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My secret.. I am finally telling

Friday, March 21, 2014

For the past 4 or 5 days, I have been sooo tired and sleepy. Then at night I can't get to sleep until about 3 or 4 am. Guess I have my nights and days turned around. This isn't helping the scale any! My goal this week was to pay attention to my urges for food and figure out why I am eating.

I found that I am eating when I am tired. When I get really sleepy, instead of taking a nap, I am eating to stay awake. I feel guilty if I take a nap. I will not go into it here, but I do know why I feel that way. I have to give myself permission from now on to take a nap if I need it instead of sleep.

I also found I was wanting to eat when I was bored, so I make myself do something, even if it is the laundry to see if it will stop the food urge.

I found the number one reason I want to eat when I am not hungry. I eat instead of dealing with my feelings. I am going to have to find a way to deal with emotions. I am not sure what to do or how to deal with emotions because I have never done that. I have always pushed everything back inside and been cheery and happy to everyone about everything.I guess that is going to be a goal.. to work on and research how to deal with feelings and situations.

There is something larger than that I need to deal with. I have ignored it many years, made it out to be less than what it is in my mind so that I could survive. We all have little secrets, but mine is a big secret and I have to stop hiding it. This will be the hardest part of my journey..... but I feel I have to do this if I want my life back. I have always kept it a secret because it is embarrassing. My secret? I am abused. I am emotionally and mentally abused every day by my husband. Physical abuse... that is not very often because he found out he can go to jail for that.

It is hard enough to deal with chronic pain and illnesses that will last the rest of my life, but to be trapped with an abusive partner is worse than that. I want my life back... actually,I just want a life. I would leave in a heartbeat, but I have an autistic son to think about

To those that read this, please, I do invite any support. I do not mind talking about what I go through. I am not looking for sympathy, I only put this out there because I feel it is safe for me to do it and I need to "say" it.

This is an addition to my original post.... I do have a plan, and it will not be long before I get out. When you are in this situation, you do have to make a plan before making it happen. :) I will be ok. I just needed to get this out so I can start to heal on the inside
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    oh i am so happy that at last you are looking at what your body is telling you. Is there anyone else that you turn to for help . it is great that you told us . now tell someone else . soon you will be feeling better . i am so sorry that you have to deal with a child that needs special help . you need a better partner to help you deal with this problem . you know that fact though . I am going to tell you will feel much better if you left your hubby . i think you can find help but i do not where . ask someone will have the answer . you know you deserve to be treated better . when you marry you think for life and that is the way it should be but sometimes it just does not work out that way . do not allow yourself to be held down . you can be happier and better . it will be hard but you can do it . emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1432 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    I'm so sorry you and your son are living that way. Verbalizing your secret is an excellent first step... now you need to share your secret with someone who can help your whole family. Do you have a minister or a doctor or extended family members who could help set healing in motion? Counseling would be a good start and don't wait for him to go. You take the first steps to living a life that YOU deserve... praying for all of you emoticon
    1433 days ago
  • JUSTTAT123
    ok lets talk about how to deal with emotions- write about them until you get an ahha moment, sit and feel it for a short while then either burn it while giving it to god or flush it which ever one feels more like a release to you
    1433 days ago
    That is one tough one for sure and boy if you can't leave then how will you and your son ever be happy. ! Do you have family to help you both leave. Just worried for you cause that isn't good And not having enough sleep will prevent you from losing. That was my thing too until I finally got sleep. Journal would help you let go of things thou so you can sleep better. Thinking of you and sending hugs!!
    1434 days ago
    This entry makes me so sad but more so mad - mad at your husband. No wonder you are over eating. Anyone with an emotional eating pattern would in your situation. I am sooo sorry. You really need to get help though. That is not a world you should have to endure any longer. Get out now. I know easier said than done, but really get out. I wish you the very best of luck in this. Please heed our advice though.
    1434 days ago
    We all have secrets, you are brave and have taken that step to share with others but more importantly yourself! You are strong to have survived and now that you are reaching out that is good! Reach out, find help and take care of you! That is the only way through, is through. And you will not only help yourself but your son and even your husband.

    1434 days ago
    Praying for you.
    1434 days ago
    Thinking and praying for you! emoticon
    1434 days ago
    You should think about your autistic son! If he grows up in a home where the father abuses his wife, your son could become like his father later in life. An autistic child IS aware enough to see how his father treats a woman and learn that this is the way he should be as an adult. Not only for yourself, but if you are really thinking of your autistic son, seek help and a way out of this terrible condition both you and your son are living in.
    1434 days ago
    Get out! Find help in your community! What good will it do for your son to grow up in an abusive household. He needs a calm environment if he is going to lead a better life. Sorry all of this was easy for me to say as I have no idea what it is to be abused, my husband has never laid a finger on me in 44 years and parents did not believe in spanking and yet we really knew when we did something wrong, the look of unhappiness on their faces was all it took. So please forgive the ease with which I say get out but I truly believe you deserve a better life. emoticon
    1434 days ago
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