Friday, March 21, 2014
For the past 4 or 5 days, I have been sooo tired and sleepy. Then at night I can't get to sleep until about 3 or 4 am. Guess I have my nights and days turned around. This isn't helping the scale any! My goal this week was to pay attention to my urges for food and figure out why I am eating.
I found that I am eating when I am tired. When I get really sleepy, instead of taking a nap, I am eating to stay awake. I feel guilty if I take a nap. I will not go into it here, but I do know why I feel that way. I have to give myself permission from now on to take a nap if I need it instead of sleep.
I also found I was wanting to eat when I was bored, so I make myself do something, even if it is the laundry to see if it will stop the food urge.
I found the number one reason I want to eat when I am not hungry. I eat instead of dealing with my feelings. I am going to have to find a way to deal with emotions. I am not sure what to do or how to deal with emotions because I have never done that. I have always pushed everything back inside and been cheery and happy to everyone about everything.I guess that is going to be a goal.. to work on and research how to deal with feelings and situations.
There is something larger than that I need to deal with. I have ignored it many years, made it out to be less than what it is in my mind so that I could survive. We all have little secrets, but mine is a big secret and I have to stop hiding it. This will be the hardest part of my journey..... but I feel I have to do this if I want my life back. I have always kept it a secret because it is embarrassing. My secret? I am abused. I am emotionally and mentally abused every day by my husband. Physical abuse... that is not very often because he found out he can go to jail for that.
It is hard enough to deal with chronic pain and illnesses that will last the rest of my life, but to be trapped with an abusive partner is worse than that. I want my life back... actually,I just want a life. I would leave in a heartbeat, but I have an autistic son to think about
To those that read this, please, I do invite any support. I do not mind talking about what I go through. I am not looking for sympathy, I only put this out there because I feel it is safe for me to do it and I need to "say" it.
This is an addition to my original post.... I do have a plan, and it will not be long before I get out. When you are in this situation, you do have to make a plan before making it happen. :) I will be ok. I just needed to get this out so I can start to heal on the inside