Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Today's blog is about embarrassment and shame from being over weight and the actions that got me there.
To really understand why I got to where I am now, I will have to give a short history lesson. I was always an over weight child. I was in gymnastics and moved on to soccer when we moved. I was always the chunkiest girl on the team. But that made me a beast to get past. I used my oversized body to challenge the other kids to try and get past me. I played defense.
Looking back I can recognize the shame. At the time I had no idea WHY I was bigger than the other kids. I had no concept of nutrition or healthy habits. I knew I was made fun of. And I knew I didn't fit in. It wasn't until 8th grade that I really started to figure it out. That I was fat. My self esteem was nearly nonexistent.
I cut my hair short and dressed like a boy to cover up my shame and embarrassment. Sometime in my freshman year of high school a friend of mine said she was going on a diet. That her doctor had given her pills to help her loose weight. I wanted that to happen to me so badly. I knew that wouldn't fly with my mom. So I broke down. I told my mom how unhappy I was and how I wanted to eat better and try and loose weight. So we did.
I lost 80 lbs that year. That summer I went to Europe with a symphony band. I didn't know anyone. I was so homesick I could barely eat. I lost the last 20 of those 80 lbs. I remember losing almost a lb a day at some point. It was so easy then. But life got in the way and I slowly crept back up. After completing my first year of college I was 235 lbs. I had gained every bit of that 80 lbs back. I got incredibly depressed ( I had had a bad history of depression) And I started dieting and bingeing. I began drinking and smoking alot. This was a really dark time for me. I remember yelling at my self in the mirror. Talking about how disgusting I was.
Fast forward a few years. I began taking control of my emotions and my health. I started running and working out. I was eating consistently better. Though still having some emotional eating mishaps, I was able to work through them.
Fast forward another year. My husband and I moved to nashville when he got a job. I was home alone, I didn't know anyone, and I my weight had been slowly creeping back up.
All this time I had the worst baby fever. I promised myself that I would get everything in check before I got pregnant. Well I didn't. My emotions got the best of me and my powers of persuasion got the best of my hubby. We were pregnant almost immediately.
This brings us back to the last blog and then to the present. WHEW..... Now for those of you who actually read all the way through that, Thank you! And for those who didn't, I don't blame you.
My current situation has now brought back that since of shame. The embarrassment comes from the lack of control. I cant control my eating or my life. My son IS my life right now.
I'm glad I took the time to type all that out. It gives me insight in to my past that I was not really aware of until my fingers typed it out. I am a slave to my emotions and lack of control. And I wont get it back until I understand why it left in the first place.