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3/18/14 Some Thoughts...

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Well, I've been rather stuck in my thoughts this afternoon. Not completely sure why I've been so introspective. I guess I'll just start at the beginning of today.

I got a phone call this morning from the dentist's office. They had two openings tomorrow for me to get my wisdom tooth pulled instead of having to wait until April 2. Needless to say I grabbed one of them because even though the antibiotics and that special mouth rinse stuff they prescribed me last week have helped immensely with the pain since I don't feel like the excruciating pain is no longer going to kill me (like it was last week), it still hurts quite a bit. It's just at a manageable level now. So yes, even though I know having it pulled tomorrow is going to hurt like crazy, at least it will heal and I can move on instead of lingering in pain. Told my bosses this because they know it's got to be done and that's all set. I figured I'd go in tomorrow for a couple of hours before heading back in to town to get it done and staying home for the rest of the day to recuperate. Had to ask my husband to take an early and long lunch tomorrow for me so he can drive me home. Novacaine gives me a really bad case of the shakes for some reason or other. So I am preparing for that.

Then, about a half hour after that, we get hit with a white-out blizzard out of nowhere. And I do mean no where. One minute it's just windy and cloudy, the next it's just an outright blizzard. I stuck around for an hour and a half to get a few things taken care of, but as I kept watching the storm progress, I just got this bad feeling and knew that I had to leave. So I get permission to go and leave. Driving home was rather gnarly. Visibility wasn't even a quarter of a mile and in some spots it was so bad, I couldn't even see the hood of my car. And I have crappy rear wheel drive, so it just made matters even worse. But I made it home okay after a 45 minute drive. And of course about 1 or 2 pm, the storm just disappeared. Almost looks like we never even had a storm now. It's beyond insane. And the part that upsets me is that I got approved to take Monday off. Now I won't be able to take it off because between having to have my tooth pulled tomorrow and making me 6 hours short for the pay period, I had to leave 5 hours early today for the storm, making me 11 hours short for the pay period. Normally I probably wouldn't care, but Monday is my birthday. I wanted to spend the time at home with my husband doing something fun like watching movies or something because he gets the day off, but now I'm stuck having to go back in. And not only that, I have to stay late a half hour for 6 days to make up the other 3 hours or stay an hour late for 3 days to make a full paycheck. It seems like every bloody time I try to make any kind of plans whatsoever to have fun and actually celebrate my birthday, something happens to screw it all up. Sometimes it feels like it's a conspiracy. Like on my birthday 2 years ago. I had to go in to work. On a Saturday. By myself. Yeah, that was fun. I honestly don't know why I bother caring about my stupid birthday anymore. I like to try to celebrate life and whatnot, but when this crap comes up, it just makes me feel like I'm not allowed to. Like it's against the rules or something. I don't know. Okay, rant done on my birthday and working.

So, I've been home most of the day watching TV shows on my computer off of Hulu. I'm watching 16 and Pregnant. I enjoy watching this show for several reasons. The big one is the obvious: the babies. I want one so bad and watching these precious gifts be born makes me happy. I also enjoy watching it because the drama that these girls create for themselves sometimes just makes me feel like my life isn't so bad and for a while, I can take my mind off of my problems. But at the same time, this show really isn't good for me to be watching. Most of these boys that these girls got pregnant from remind me a lot of some of the guys I've let take advantage of me over the years and it makes me angry. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I am not that young and stupid anymore, it was in the past, I can't change it, just move on. And then there's the whole baby issue. I want one so bad. It kills me.

So where do all the thoughts come in? Well, it's convoluted. Which is why I've told you all that other stuff. I just keep thinking today about a lot of different things. I keep thinking about how lonely I am. I don't really have any friends. I live so far away from where things actually happen. I just. I don't know. I don't belong here. And then I keep thinking about the baby I want so much. And I keep thinking about how large and unhealthy I am. What am I going to do about it. I really don't know. I keep thinking about maybe considering getting a lap band surgery. But I'm really torn on that because on some levels I feel like I'm quitting and trying to take the easy way out, but at the same time I feel like I'm getting absolutely nowhere and need some kind of help. Not that I could afford it anyways. Granted, I'm getting MUCH better insurance next month, but they'd have to approve the surgery if I did decide to go ahead with it. I know most of my problem is mental. I'm lazy, I don't like getting up in the morning to do anything even though I'm more successful at doing that than trying to do it at night after work. I'm not creative in the kitchen and I'm lazy in there as well and I get bored with what I'm eating. I'm depressed and I hate my life and I hate my job. I want nothing more than to just pick up and leave and start fresh somewhere else. And yet at the same time, I feel like it's also a physical problem as well. I get hungry like an hour or two after eating unless I eat a really huge meal. So I really just don't know what to do anymore. I don't. And I don't know where to turn to anymore.

So, yeah. I guess that is it for my ramblings and musings and even more ramblings. Just needed to verbalize a few things, I suppose.... emoticon
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