Saturday, March 15, 2014
I've been really distracted about Sparking and weight loss over the past week, so I've been trying to figure out what's going on. I haven't been exercising nearly as much (so much for my emphasis on ST this month!), and while my eating hasn't been totally out of control, I haven't been planning ahead and paying as much attention to the details. I'm acting the way I do when I'm in numbing out mode, separating myself from the world and getting distracted by TV, Pinterest, and things that don't require me to think or do too much. This really needs to stop!
The problem is that I'm really lonely.
I've been in my new home for several months now, and while I feel settled into my apartment and my job, I still don't have a social life here. It's sort of a Catch-22: I feel awkward doing things alone, but if I never get out and do anything then I won't meet people! I've met some nice people through a book club, my gym, my church and my work, but so far nobody that wants to hang out outside of those activities. It's really hard being single and friendless in your 30's! Most people are married & have kids at this stage in life, so they want to do family-oriented things with couples who have kids, too. I'll keep trying, but it's a little discouraging.
It's like I'm in this awkward in-between phase. I no longer have my old Sacramento life, but I don't fully have a life here in the Bay Area yet either. Also, I lost 20 pounds and so my clothes are fitting differently, which is awesome- but it means that right now my clothes all feel too big. I'm not yet small enough to wear the clothes I had bought when I lost the weight last time around, though, so nothing fits quite right and I catch myself being really critical of how I look. Areas of my body that I noticed progress in are starting to look bad to me again. That is also discouraging, but I'm trying to be mindful of my self-talk.
I've also noticed a lot of daydreaming going on: moving to Paris and having an amazing life there, or staying here but buying an awesome house and decorating it, stuff like that. I'm separating from the life I actually have and trying to live in some alternate universe. The thing is that moving to Paris won't fix anything because if I'm not willing to leave my apartment here, I certainly won't feel comfortable doing it someplace where I barely speak the language. Buying a house isn't really something I want to do right now, but I think what I DO want is a creative outlet. So perhaps I'll pick up some art supplies or something, too. Ooh, or maybe take art classes- it's another way to meet people!
I'm rambling now. So yeah, I've been off track a bit and hiding from the world in a dazed pity-party. I'm not giving up, though. I just need to dust myself off and find a new party to join instead.
Thanks for "listening!"