Saturday, March 15, 2014
I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I wrote a blog. That's exactly how long it's been since I started working in the clay studio, refreshing my wheel skills. It's going very well. I go to class one day a week and go to the studio two additional days a week. I need to get a few pictures posted after my first firing of pots comes out of the kiln, which will be on Sunday. It is such an excited feeling to anticipate seeing the finished products. I used interesting glaze combinations and it is fun to find out what they look like. The other days of the week are busy with helping my daughter with her three little ones, meeting my son once a week, and getting things done to encourage hubby.
He and I had an intense discussion, in which we came to the conclusion that each of us had areas to work on to show and tell the other that we love them. I had been too wrapped up in myself, and by nature he isn't demonstrative. We both don't naturally have the urges to do the things that the other needs to feel loved. For him, it's having a clean house, not having to be involved in grocery shopping as much as he has been, having me let him know I appreciate how hard he works for the family and for me to be involved in the budget. Truly I have let these things slide. I wrote down all these things and put the list in a visible place, to remind myself to work at them daily. One thing he also mentioned was that he wishes I would help with earning money for the family. I had written "get a job" on the list. After our discussion, he went into his office (where he spends most of his time) and I did a thorough cleaning, putting all my anger into the effort. Got a lot done. Later he thanked me for cleaning and he said that the main thing on that list that really matters to him was for me to do housework, even just keeping things picked up. I was surprised that that was all it really took. But since then I've cooked him a good meal complete with a dessert he likes. I am not one to cook for him, but I am going to make more of an effort. I've kept up with laundry and shopping. I'm encouraging him on being a great caretaker of the family. I am putting out a daily effort, the list is right where I pick up my keys, so I see it and am reminded to do a little every day. I'm happier that I am doing my best.
His part in this was only that I don't hear that he loves me. I know it from how he takes care of my daily needs and is always willing to give me advice when I ask for it, but I always have to fish for the words of encouragement that he likes me, or loves me. He said he'd work on that. Somehow it always feels like I'm the one who is failing in SO many ways. I reminded him that every time I've told him I need to hear words of affection, he says "that's just not in my nature" "I will never change that" I said why should I have to make changes? It's not in my nature to want to cook, or clean, and he never lets me know when he's working on the budget, so how do I know when he's doing it? He is in his office all the time. When I do go in there, he's working on work, and I hate to interrupt him. I told him he needs to let me know when he wants my input. In the end he said he'd change that and tell me that he loves me. So far I haven't heard it. But I'm not going to be nasty and not do the things that help him feel loved and appreciated.
Sorry! I just had to vent a bit. Actually one thing that he is doing is taking a more active role in helping with his mother. I had become stressed out and overwhelmed with the feelings that it is always me that it falls on to be there for her. I had to recently spend all day at the hospital with her. I am the one not working. (though I have my class) And I am "free" to step in. We live a half hour drive from her. A daughter lives an hour away and is sickly. Not a very big help. I'm also anticipating that my parents are going to need my help. I'm the only one of their children that isn't working or have kids that live at home. Again, I feel trapped that it all falls on me.
I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I feel overwhelmed and inconvenienced. Where is my gratitude for all my parents have done for me?
With all this going on, I'm getting about 1000 calories burned a week. Which isn't much, and sometimes I know that if I could just fit in a nice long walk, I wouldn't feel the stress so bad. Of course on the days I find time, it's a day that it's raining. Walking relieves my stress better than other exercise. I'm doing lots of push-ups, squats and planks, because I can fit them in a couple times a day for a few minutes.
Again I apologize for dumping on you. If any of you actually read my blog to the end I am grateful for your kindness of doing so. I haven't been making myself very available on SP. But I log in daily. Sometimes that's all I do.
Keep smiling. Hugs to all of you!