Thursday, March 13, 2014
I'm not doing so well right now. I have come through a pretty dark tunnel and managed to come out on the other side pretty much intact. There are times when it is easy to almost forget what it was like. And then, for what seems like no reason at all, life comes knocking and I find myself feeling like cowering in a corner and telling the world to please go away and leave me be. Questioning and second guessing everything. Wondering why I'm not getting as much attention as I think I should. Wondering if what is going on is just me WANTING attention. (how could it be anything else, worthless human that I am??) Wondering if I'm being too overbearing. Wondering why I would think anyone could ever like me in the first place?? Wondering why, oh WHY can't I just be better, like nothing bad ever happened in the first place. Why can't I be "normal"?!
Now, I understand that this really is "normal". I'm not unique. And that it will pass. It always has, it always will. But I kind of like that "pink cloud" and I really don't like it when it turns gray! And understanding doesn't help when I'm feeling the tears falling as I'm trying to go to sleep.
Sooo, I'm doing the healthy thing and I'm writing about it. NOT hiding under the bed and waiting for it to go away. Or not...which is my biggest fear of all. What if it doesn't this time? See what I mean? Who is this knocking around in there trying to destroy all the work I've done? What does she want from me? Certainly not to go back, we were so very scared and unhappy there. Ugh...STOP, please!!
I don't have my therapist anymore so you guys will have to help me out here and be her for me. Thank you for being my sounding board.