Today is day one of my current streak.
As I had blogged about previously, I have gained back 31 of the 71 lbs I'd lost, and naturally my clothes have gotten really tight on me. I hate that feeling of being squashed into what I'm wearing and seeing all the "extra bits" poking out. I'm all about loving yourself no matter what you look like, but the truth is...its hard for me to love myself right now. I look in the mirror and its embarrassing to see how I look in my tight clothes. These clothes fit me perfectly just a couple of months ago!
Yesterday I had to go to the store, so I got dressed in the loosest of my tight clothes (and even they were way too tight) and then put on a long sweater to "hide" in. I felt so lumpy and frumpy, I just wanted to disappear, so I did what I always do when I feel shy or insecure....I pulled my hair into a ponytail and slapped on a baseball cap. No makeup. I just wanted to get to the store and do my shopping, and get home before anyone I know saw me!
As I was shopping, I started thinking of how close we are to Spring, and warmer weather. And then I realized that soon, I won't be able to wear a coat or a sweater to hide the fact that my clothes are too tight! Yikes!
For a moment, I thought that perhaps I ought to go to Goodwill or Walmart, and buy a few things in my new larger size. Just a couple of t shirts and pairs of pants to "tide me over" until I lost the weight. It seemed like a reasonable idea. But then the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was NOT so reasonable!
I have lost significant amounts of weight a couple of times in the past, only to start gaining some of it back, and slowly slipping into larger (and larger) sized clothes. And then I would ultimately gain back every pound that I'd lost, plus more. For me, buying larger clothes was always the first step towards giving up on myself. Having those larger clothes made it easier to just go ahead and gain the weight back.
So for now, I'm not going to buy larger clothes. Instead, I'm going to start working hard to start losing weight again, so that the clothes I have now will fit again! I know me....and I know that I can do this. I know that I MUST do it..otherwise, I'm going to look pretty silly when the weather is warm, and I'm wearing jackets and sweaters to try to hide under! Yeah, thats a pretty good reason to stay on track.
And I'm going to work on loving myself, even in my too tight clothes. Because no matter what size I am or how I look...overweight or healthy weight....I am always going to be me. I will love myself and my body, because this is the body that is going to do the work and carry me to my goal size.
**In memory of Little_Queen. I miss you, sis!**