Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Well here I am again failing at the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. I have been so depressed lately and I know that when I am depressed I eat everything in sight. Everything from chips to popcorn. I havent got the will power to take and do this again because I know I will fail again. I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I even covered up my mirror in my room and I stopped stepping on the scale because I know what it will read when I step on it.
I have tried to eat right and exercise each day but I have a family that puts me down for everything I try. My next step is starving myself but I know what you will all say so that is no good for me. I am sorry for this but I want to take the time i need to put everything in perspective again so I am going to think of what is more important to me. My health or my family I cant have it both. I need to be strong and be able to see my future the way it should be. I know that I have all of you behind me cheering me on but its not enough for me. I have to hold my head up high and realize my dreams will never come true because I dont have my family behind me. I love that I can come in here and post blogs about my feelings and what I want but I am failing and I hate it.
I cant even get on my treadmill because my boyfriend packed stuff on it again and I havent got the strength to move it. I lay awake each and every night thinking about what my family is doing to me. and it is not enough to have them help me around the house and tell me that they are there for me because I know they are not.
I need to sit somewhere quiet and think about my life and what I want to accomplish from it. My goal has not changed but I hate restarting this all the time. I need to lose weight in a hurry because I have a reunion to go to this summer and I dont need my boyfriends family seeing me fat and ugly. I use to fit into a size 20 jeans but now I wear a size 24 which is a 44 in plus size.
My legs and feet swell like big balloons all the time and it hurts when I walk up and down my basement stairs. What can I do please help me. Weighing in at 244 lbs is very bad for me. I think my next resort is to buy diet pills or something that will flush out my system. I am going totally crazy now.