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    ESHARA43   21,382
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I AM A BIG FAT FAILURE AGAIN

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

emoticon Well here I am again failing at the one thing that I wanted more than anything in this world. I have been so depressed lately and I know that when I am depressed I eat everything in sight. Everything from chips to popcorn. I havent got the will power to take and do this again because I know I will fail again. I hate the way I feel and the way I look. I even covered up my mirror in my room and I stopped stepping on the scale because I know what it will read when I step on it.

I have tried to eat right and exercise each day but I have a family that puts me down for everything I try. My next step is starving myself but I know what you will all say so that is no good for me. I am sorry for this but I want to take the time i need to put everything in perspective again so I am going to think of what is more important to me. My health or my family I cant have it both. I need to be strong and be able to see my future the way it should be. I know that I have all of you behind me cheering me on but its not enough for me. I have to hold my head up high and realize my dreams will never come true because I dont have my family behind me. I love that I can come in here and post blogs about my feelings and what I want but I am failing and I hate it.

I cant even get on my treadmill because my boyfriend packed stuff on it again and I havent got the strength to move it. I lay awake each and every night thinking about what my family is doing to me. and it is not enough to have them help me around the house and tell me that they are there for me because I know they are not.

I need to sit somewhere quiet and think about my life and what I want to accomplish from it. My goal has not changed but I hate restarting this all the time. I need to lose weight in a hurry because I have a reunion to go to this summer and I dont need my boyfriends family seeing me fat and ugly. I use to fit into a size 20 jeans but now I wear a size 24 which is a 44 in plus size.

My legs and feet swell like big balloons all the time and it hurts when I walk up and down my basement stairs. What can I do please help me. Weighing in at 244 lbs is very bad for me. I think my next resort is to buy diet pills or something that will flush out my system. I am going totally crazy now. emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMLILA 3/11/2014 8:22PM

    Wow, I am so glad I talked to you earlier... what amazing responses you got here, they were truly inspiring to me too.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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ESHARA43 3/11/2014 2:39PM

    Thank you so much ladies. I have read your post and I understand now that I am worth it and I will try again because I am not only doing this for me but for my dad. He wants to see his little girl thin again and I want it more than anything. I am going to start by not putting myself down and telling myself that i am a failure because I know its not me. My weight has always been my main goal and baby I worth it . I am going to sit down and focus on what I want and I will succeed. Like you all say baby steps at first and for me baby steps it will be. emoticon

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SIEGRID 3/11/2014 12:34PM

    NEVER EVER CALL YOURSELF A FAILURE!!!!! You have already taken the first step by writing this blog. The other ladies here have written excellent advise. Stand up to your family and tell them THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! The rest will follow.....
We may be cyber friends, but we are all here for you...

emoticon .



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NEWMOON 3/11/2014 8:21AM

    There is no such thing as failure. Not at this. You are trying. You tried just as hard to stop yourself as you did when you had a day when you ate healthy.

This thing we have with food...it's complicated and it's so much more about what's in our heads than most people know.

You needed comfort. You just happened to pick food for it, as I have so many many times.

Unless someone has these issues with food, they probably don't understand.

I know it's really hard when you have little to no support in "real life". I am the same. My support comes from this website.

Do not look back. All you have is this moment. One moment at a time. Don't waste your time dwelling on what happened and why. You already know.

And it's hard, but for now, don't spend your time thinking about the future. It's important to have goals, and hopes and dreams, but right now, try to stay focused to the present.

At this moment, if you're choosing to use food for comfort, choose to stop. Put it down. If you have food in the house that is going to scream your name, get rid of it. I don't know your situation...if you have other people in the house that are adults and they are insisting on eating foods that you know aren't healthy and are triggers for you, nicely inform them that if they have to eat it, they need to eat it OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. They can keep it at work, in their car, anywhere but in your house. Tell them, in all seriousness, that you are killing yourself slowly with these foods and for now, you cannot have them anywhere near you. Tell them to think of you as a drug addict and those items are like drugs. They might laugh or make fun of you if they are that unsupportive, but be strong. It's your life. If you aren't going to save yourself, they are not going to help.

You are not asking for them to give them up, but they should at least support you enough to not have them around you.

I know they are not supporting you, but you can no longer wait for them to change. They are going to do what they are going to do.

If your boyfriend put heavy stuff on your treadmill, ask him to remove it. Show them that they are wrong. Tell him you need it and then use it. Prove to them that you KNOW you are worth it, even if they doubt you.

Besides, you don't need a treadmill to exercise. Of course, you know that. But I would still make him move his stuff. If he won't and it's too heavy for just you, get someone else to help you lift it. There is always a way.

You can do it. If the support here is not enough, look for it in your community. There are groups of people like Overeaters Anonymous, and I think they have meetings pretty much every day, somewhere. I'm sure there is information on their website.

You might also want to think about counseling. My therapist is amazing. She specializes in food issues and she has helped me find my strength.

Those voices that are telling you that you can't do this, or that you are a "failure", whether they come from people or from yourself are liars. You can tell them that. Tell them they are wrong. Because they are.

It's time for you to step up and get what you want. It's time for you to be your own hero.













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RUBYSNANA 3/11/2014 8:14AM

    I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. So many of us are on this same roller coaster……lose weight…..put weight back on, and it is so discouraging, especially when those closest to us are not supportive. But, we need to do this for ourselves. We deserve to be healthy. This is all about us. It is not easy, but even small changes over a longer period of time will make a difference.

Have you considered signing up for the spark coach program. I have been considering it. I think it might give me the incentive I need and help keep me accountable. It would be a support system that might make a difference and I believe it is free.

I will be thinking of you and hoping that you won't give up on yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/11/2014 8:16:09 AM

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BABYSOX 3/11/2014 6:07AM

    You are already succeeding by writing a blog. That shows that you are very strong and that you want to succeed. You need to get healthy for yourself and no one else. Once your mind is set that you want to get healthy, your body will follow and you will not allow any excuses to stop you. emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:58AM

    And by the way, please don't talk bad to yourself, you wouldn't say that to your best friend, would you? emoticon

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STRONG_SARAH 3/11/2014 3:57AM

    Walk up and down the stairs as much as you can. When it hurts, stop, but when it stops hurting, start again. I know, it doesn't sound like fun, but it works, and you won't need your treadmill.
I know things seem bleak, but the sun will be coming out soon, spring is almost here and maybe that will inspire you. You can do it! You just have to decide to.

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ISLENAA 3/11/2014 2:36AM

  tough love...

if your life depended on it (and it does)..you would do what needs doing. you know what to do and this site is filled with everything you need to get going. just need to put it into action sis.

is it simple??? fk NO, but it's worth it and so are YOU!

sometimes wanting something badly, is not the same as being ready to do the work but when we're ready...NOTHING can stop us except ourselves.

all the best sis. I know you can do it. emoticon



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