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    ERINLINDSAY83   88,440
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When Will I learn?!

Monday, March 10, 2014

I received news today while at work, that my mother had had an "accident." Incontinence is typical of end stage Alzheimer's. Instant tears. Unable to stop bawling.... (love doing that at work...ugh.) My heart just breaks for her, my dad, and my whole family. It is so sad.

Well, if you read my Lent blog, you know that I gave up chocolate for Lent. (NOT easy for me, as I have at least one candybar EVERY day. True story. But, I wanted to pick something that would really be a sacrifice for me.) Well, I also happen to head towards one of two extremes when I'm super stressed or depressed. Eat nothing or eat everything. Apparently today was leaning towards the eat everything side.

I went to the lunch room and bought a candybar. I'd been good for the past 5 days. No chocolate (NOT EASY!) but today.... nope. Don't care. Well, I happen to have this "gift" (call it what you want... a spiritual gift, but a curse to human nature, lol.) God talks to me CLEARLY! (You can think I'm a nutcase all you want.... but there's no denying what I hear.)

So instantly after I have the candybar in my hands He tells me to put it back. We argued a bit, while I slowly walked back to my desk.

"You don't NEED the chocolate!"

"Um...yes I do!"

"No, Erin, you don't. You gave me your word to abstain from chocolate."

"Yes I know, But I'm mad and I need it."

On and on for a few minutes. It boiled down to me saying I didn't care what he thought, if he was going to be so cruel to my mom. (Yes, I KNOW better than to think this... but anguish makes the human brain dumb sometimes.) And I slammed the spiritual door in His face. So, I (now somewhat reluctantly) ate the whole candy bar. Now God's mad at me. I'm still mad at Him. And I never seem to learn!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALIGURRL61 3/22/2014 11:08AM

    God's not mad at you and it is okay you got mad at Him. He loves us no matter what, just seek His forgiveness (if you haven't already) and then know that once that is done, He forgets that transgression.

I completely understand your conversations with Him, He speaks to me also. I am so glad He does.

I'm sorry about your Mom, I understand a little since I lost my sister last year to brain cancer, it is hard to watch the decline. I pray that God surrounds you, your Mom and the rest of your family in the coming days, that His peace will just flow over you and that your feel His love lavished on you all!

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NELLIEC 3/11/2014 3:15PM

    Very frankly, I don't think God is mad at you. I suspect He is very sad along with you. He knows your heart is breaking. So why is your mom deteriorating? Good question, but I strongly suspect that while her mind may be wandering, perhaps she is even closer to God. My grandmother and several of her relatives went through that. My mother didn't live long enough to get to that stage since she died at 47.

I am surprised that you were informed about her accident since most places that care for Alzheimer's patients take it for granted that they will have accidents.

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RUTHIEBEAR 3/11/2014 7:52AM

    I am sorry for the situation with you MOM. You are enduring a lot of stress. I, too, tend to eat when stressed. I am trying so hard to overcome it. I do not think GOd is mad at you, perhaps disappointed is a better word. He loves you no matter what choices you make. He knows what is best for us and wants that. Sadly we make bad choices.
today is a new day. Pick yourself up and star again. Remember we are here for you. emoticon

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PHEBESS 3/10/2014 10:12PM

    I know how hard the situation is with your mom - lots of hugs to you!!!

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ANGELBELIEVER 3/10/2014 8:48PM

    Hi there. I'm sorry about your Mom and how much stress you all are going through and planning your wedding for next month too. I am so happy that you can clearly hear God speak to you. I can't hear God that clearly and have a conversation like yours. I would love to. But, it's ok to be mad at God. He has broad shoulders and he also knows this will pass. He is not mad at you. I'm sure he wishes he could help you through these feelings without you giving in to that candy bar. It's over and done with..You can start again. One slip (planned or not) won't mean you have failed.

I am fasting on all deserts and candy. I used to eat a Three Muskateer's snack size candy bar every night too. I'd have 2, 3 or even 4. Five is considered a serving! That is my husband's candy but of course he knew I was eating it too. So far, so good. I went to a luncheon yesterday with tons of delicious looking deserts but with God's help I remained abstinent.

Continue on with yor fast. You will feel better! emoticon

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