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a little sad today (note to self - really)


Monday, March 10, 2014

the tears finally come
after
yeah… after the drive to the natl walking park where i sat and listened to npr intw with Edward Snowden and Russia expert on Putin's position looked at with equanimity
yeah… after bleeding through a tampon at a coffeeshop (an enigma of perimenopause)
yeah… after eating ALL the kashi bars in the car (note to self- don't buy those again)

A friend of spirit is going to die this week … after a long and terrible debilitating illness
A friend who I always thought I would "be there with and for"… but I wasn't
She is my sister's college room mate and another "sister" of a kind
I was too encumbered with my own crazy this past year -- I could not "be there for her"
but Laura was.
Laura and I always putting others first -- a habit she and I both got growing up…

I spoke at length with my beautiful sister Laura this morning.
Her brand new kitchen is what I couldn't get over in the Skype frame.
My sense of how accomplished she is has long been in the way of my seeing her more clearly. Or in the way of me seeing my self more clearly.
Laura just came back from Italy…saying good bye to jill.
Laura has skyped Jill 1-2 hours a day for almost a year.
Laura's dog has cancer too.
It is the end of a chapter.

And our mom turns 80 this year.
Our mom took care of herself for 2 whole weeks. And then resumed her self-neglect.

I am afraid of losing my mom
I am just understanding my over attachment to her
Having been unable to get the 'help' and friendship from her I'd hoped so for last year
Inappropriately or not

55 is about time
hey

Lack of commitment
Fear of commitment
And OCD around purchasing

Sell the chicago place NOW?
Yes - maybe - IF i'm ready to have no known place to go back to

I sway…. like trees
blown in the wind

Do I love Joe enough?
Do I love myself?
Do I know myself?

I want to stop window shopping.

Why is it so hard for me to get to the center of ME
and so poignantly clear to get to the center of others
Or is it?

a little sad today
which came first?
the blood, the roses, the lilacs
the too many trail bars
the roads untaken

And the day is only beginning.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
NONIE_C 3/24/2014 4:08AM

    I love the way you wander your soul with words, and I love that you share your beautiful soul with us. I wish you peace where there is pain, clarity where this is confusion, and joy where there is sadness. And, more than anything, I wish you the ability to feel the uncomfortable feelings without storytelling that perpetuates those feelings.
Sending you powerful wishes of hope and courage.
emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 3/10/2014 9:10PM

   
What a beautiful soul you have.

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BABY_GIRL69 3/10/2014 5:58PM

    So much to be grateful for because you have had beautiful people in your life & still do. Big hugs to you and even in difficulty the sun still peaks it's head out and guides daily...

God bless & hugs!

Dee

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POSITIVEHOPE 3/10/2014 3:58PM

    So much honesty in this blog. I can only speak to one piece.
I had a rough time coming to terms with my mom and our relationship. I wanted so much more than she gave. I wanted to give so much more than she could accept. I was angry, hurt, longing for what I needed.
Finally, I accepted that she did the best she could. There were things in her life that limited what she was able to do. I stopped asking why she couldn't overcome her issues. Once that really sunk in, I took ownership and responsibility for the empty places in my heart I wanted her to fill. I looked for other ways to fill them. I reached out and served others to take the place of giving to mom. I accepted the love from others even though it wasn't mom's. Slowly, the empty places fill. I was focusing on overcoming my issues.
Hope your heavy heart feels the (((hug))) I'm sending your way.

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