Monday, March 10, 2014
the tears finally come
yeah… after the drive to the natl walking park where i sat and listened to npr intw with Edward Snowden and Russia expert on Putin's position looked at with equanimity
yeah… after bleeding through a tampon at a coffeeshop (an enigma of perimenopause)
yeah… after eating ALL the kashi bars in the car (note to self- don't buy those again)
A friend of spirit is going to die this week … after a long and terrible debilitating illness
A friend who I always thought I would "be there with and for"… but I wasn't
She is my sister's college room mate and another "sister" of a kind
I was too encumbered with my own crazy this past year -- I could not "be there for her"
but Laura was.
Laura and I always putting others first -- a habit she and I both got growing up…
I spoke at length with my beautiful sister Laura this morning.
Her brand new kitchen is what I couldn't get over in the Skype frame.
My sense of how accomplished she is has long been in the way of my seeing her more clearly. Or in the way of me seeing my self more clearly.
Laura just came back from Italy…saying good bye to jill.
Laura has skyped Jill 1-2 hours a day for almost a year.
Laura's dog has cancer too.
It is the end of a chapter.
And our mom turns 80 this year.
Our mom took care of herself for 2 whole weeks. And then resumed her self-neglect.
I am afraid of losing my mom
I am just understanding my over attachment to her
Having been unable to get the 'help' and friendship from her I'd hoped so for last year
Inappropriately or not
55 is about time
Lack of commitment
Fear of commitment
And OCD around purchasing
Sell the chicago place NOW?
Yes - maybe - IF i'm ready to have no known place to go back to
I sway…. like trees
blown in the wind
Do I love Joe enough?
Do I love myself?
Do I know myself?
I want to stop window shopping.
Why is it so hard for me to get to the center of ME
and so poignantly clear to get to the center of others
Or is it?
a little sad today
which came first?
the blood, the roses, the lilacs
the too many trail bars
the roads untaken
And the day is only beginning.