I can't do it, I tried.
Sunday, March 09, 2014
I have tried to out eat the pain. I has not worked.
I was told on Thursday that my best friend of 59 years has been told she has cancer in her liver and pancreas. How can this be? Her first oncology appointment is tomorrow. I of course pray for a misdiagnosis, but know it is unlikely. So, I pray that it is slow growing and able to be controlled. We have been there for each other during kid problems, husband problems, miscarriage and yes, a multitude of happy times that we got to share over the years. We are the keeper of each other's secrets. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I will be there when called, just to sit. I am making her cards to send every day. I pray when I construct them. Though the mail only delivers 6 days a week, I make one every day. (She does not live very close.) Yes, I am sure she will be glad to have mail. But, I do it for me, not her. I need to do something, anything. When my daughter in law had breast cancer, I sent a daily card all through chemo, clear until remission 6 years ago. When my brother in law had colon and liver cancer, I sent cards all through chemo clear until remission, 8 years ago. From their standpoint it was a diversion, a little something to break up the day.
For me, it is the only thing l that I can control. I need to do something to prove they are being thought of and prayed for every day. I need to try to make them smile, even when they don't feel like it. I need for them to have something tangible to have in their hands, or hang on their wall. An email or even a phone call are gone. Calling and interrupting a nap, or company does not seem fair, but a card can be opened on their schedule.
After receiving the news, I headed to a restaurant because I was too stunned to cook. The next day, I went to my default setting........bake for comfort. Then I have eaten my baking. (I tracked it.) It has been 4 days. The baking is almost gone. I assume I have gained weight, but frankly, right now that does not matter. The point is that it is not helping her. It is not helping her distraught husband. I am needed for other things right now, and feeding my face is not going to help. I need to be healthy in case I am called upon for anything. The food 'stuffs' the pain, but does not eliminate it.
I am not one to ask for prayers online, but I sure would appreciate it if you could either say a prayer or think good thoughts for my best friend. I love her.