Sunday, March 09, 2014
As of this morning, I am back to my starting weight. I have lost zero pounds. It hurt to log that in my weight tracker. Why in the world would anyone post a blog about going backward? Well, because it's my reality and I just need to be real with myself right now.
It's been a hard Winter for me and my fat. Well, it's been a good winter for my fat, I guess. It's flourished nicely. I, on the other hand, am struggling.
What happened? Did I get caught in a blizzard with no way to exercise and only junk food to eat? No. Did I have a catastrophic thing happen in my family and ate solely for comfort and had to eat casseroles with gobs of cheese in them? No.
What happened was just plain winter. I got sick. My kid got sick. My husband got sick. And again and again and again. We had travel (some planned some unexpected). The result: getting over a week behind in school (homeschooling my kiddo w/autism). While cramming to catch up, I missed 4 gym appointments (& 2 other appts) in order to do school work. And then (dunh dunh duuunnhhh) migraine. Today is day 4 of the migraine. This should mean I am done tomorrow, except that we got a weather condition today that always triggers the ugly beastie, so maybe not done.
Here's the thing with migraines for me - I can't think! I mean I can do routine stuff, but teaching lessons is pretty much ridiculous. I made it through 3 days before shutting down yesterday.
When I'm behind in schoolwork, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. And when I have guilt, guess what I do? Easy, right? I eat. Oh, and I had to do grocery shopping yesterday so what do you think I bought? Yes, things I haven't bought in years. I found out I can eat 9 Mounds bar pieces and not feel sick. How can this be? How was I not feeling physically awful? Was that all I ate? Hah. No. But you don't need a listing. The thing is, I never felt sick. I never felt like I'd had enough, and the only thing I kept thinking was, "My *#$%^&* head hurts," alternating with, "aaaauuuggghhh we were almost caught up with schoolwork!"
Yes. This binge happened when we were nearly caught up. Almost there. Isn't that the story of my weight loss journey? Going nuts when I'm "almost there?" Why? What do I fear? Do I not want to succeed? Am I sabotaging myself? Or is it coincidence? I'm not a stupid person. In fact, I'm not only pretty smart, I'm introspective, analytical, and your typical nerd. But...man, I'm sick of not being able to DO what I think.
I can think my way down to my goal weight. I can calculate it, allow for life's little gifts of reality to whack me around a bit, and arrive at a sensible, achievable goal. So why can't I achieve it? Why can't I get out of my own way to make it work? Why does a migraine = whole day of eating? And eating junk. I'm SURE the junk just adds to the headache - all those preservatives...yow.
And yet, I decided this morning to get on the scale. Oh surprise - gained all my weight back. Back at my starting weight. I thought, no, I won't log this, maybe this is just a false high, maybe this is just a momentary blip. But then I decided that I DO want to live in reality, I am NOT a mess, I am NOT a zero. I will log it, hold my head up, and live.
I will try to unravel this stupidity. I will try to figure out which lie I'm telling myself to allow this behavior. I know my family loves me no matter what size I am, but will they still feel the same way when I exit their lives early for being obese? Is that showing them how much I love them? Enter more guilt. Guilt is a HUGE trigger for me. I seem to be unable to avoid tipping from motivation (I do want to live longer for me and my family) to guilt (if I don't do this, how tragic, how senseless, how avoidable, my fault).
So how do you face reality without the guilt? How do you get back up after falling, without feeling guilty? I know Confucius was among the first to say the thing about what's important is that you get up one more time than you fall, but the thing here is, I'm pretty sick of falling. But mostly I guess I have to figure out how to whack this guilt on the head and get it out of my head. If I have another bad night I'll be a higher weight than my starting weight. I really don't want that. I need to return to mindful eating - maybe let the guilt come and just try to feel it instead of trying to shut it down? Man, I'm not sure I even know how to just feel guilt. Maybe that's at the core of my problem. Something to explore.
Today. Not tomorrow.