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Sunday, March 09, 2014

As of this morning, I am back to my starting weight. I have lost zero pounds. It hurt to log that in my weight tracker. Why in the world would anyone post a blog about going backward? Well, because it's my reality and I just need to be real with myself right now.

It's been a hard Winter for me and my fat. Well, it's been a good winter for my fat, I guess. It's flourished nicely. I, on the other hand, am struggling.

What happened? Did I get caught in a blizzard with no way to exercise and only junk food to eat? No. Did I have a catastrophic thing happen in my family and ate solely for comfort and had to eat casseroles with gobs of cheese in them? No.

What happened was just plain winter. I got sick. My kid got sick. My husband got sick. And again and again and again. We had travel (some planned some unexpected). The result: getting over a week behind in school (homeschooling my kiddo w/autism). While cramming to catch up, I missed 4 gym appointments (& 2 other appts) in order to do school work. And then (dunh dunh duuunnhhh) migraine. Today is day 4 of the migraine. This should mean I am done tomorrow, except that we got a weather condition today that always triggers the ugly beastie, so maybe not done.

Here's the thing with migraines for me - I can't think! I mean I can do routine stuff, but teaching lessons is pretty much ridiculous. I made it through 3 days before shutting down yesterday.

When I'm behind in schoolwork, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. And when I have guilt, guess what I do? Easy, right? I eat. Oh, and I had to do grocery shopping yesterday so what do you think I bought? Yes, things I haven't bought in years. I found out I can eat 9 Mounds bar pieces and not feel sick. How can this be? How was I not feeling physically awful? Was that all I ate? Hah. No. But you don't need a listing. The thing is, I never felt sick. I never felt like I'd had enough, and the only thing I kept thinking was, "My *#$%^&* head hurts," alternating with, "aaaauuuggghhh we were almost caught up with schoolwork!"

Yes. This binge happened when we were nearly caught up. Almost there. Isn't that the story of my weight loss journey? Going nuts when I'm "almost there?" Why? What do I fear? Do I not want to succeed? Am I sabotaging myself? Or is it coincidence? I'm not a stupid person. In fact, I'm not only pretty smart, I'm introspective, analytical, and your typical nerd., I'm sick of not being able to DO what I think.

I can think my way down to my goal weight. I can calculate it, allow for life's little gifts of reality to whack me around a bit, and arrive at a sensible, achievable goal. So why can't I achieve it? Why can't I get out of my own way to make it work? Why does a migraine = whole day of eating? And eating junk. I'm SURE the junk just adds to the headache - all those preservatives...yow.

And yet, I decided this morning to get on the scale. Oh surprise - gained all my weight back. Back at my starting weight. I thought, no, I won't log this, maybe this is just a false high, maybe this is just a momentary blip. But then I decided that I DO want to live in reality, I am NOT a mess, I am NOT a zero. I will log it, hold my head up, and live.

I will try to unravel this stupidity. I will try to figure out which lie I'm telling myself to allow this behavior. I know my family loves me no matter what size I am, but will they still feel the same way when I exit their lives early for being obese? Is that showing them how much I love them? Enter more guilt. Guilt is a HUGE trigger for me. I seem to be unable to avoid tipping from motivation (I do want to live longer for me and my family) to guilt (if I don't do this, how tragic, how senseless, how avoidable, my fault).

So how do you face reality without the guilt? How do you get back up after falling, without feeling guilty? I know Confucius was among the first to say the thing about what's important is that you get up one more time than you fall, but the thing here is, I'm pretty sick of falling. But mostly I guess I have to figure out how to whack this guilt on the head and get it out of my head. If I have another bad night I'll be a higher weight than my starting weight. I really don't want that. I need to return to mindful eating - maybe let the guilt come and just try to feel it instead of trying to shut it down? Man, I'm not sure I even know how to just feel guilt. Maybe that's at the core of my problem. Something to explore.

Today. Not tomorrow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've sort of gone through the same experience where I looked in silent shock at the scale. Only thing is that I made the decision not to beat up on myself OR feel even remotely guilty. I mean, life happens..we all do the best we can and sometimes health suffers..anyway, after some positive self talk I went on a complete veggie day (only veggies..nothing else) and then decided to add an over abundance of veggies to my diet along with a serious focus on exercise. So far its going well..I'd recommend ditching the guilt, moving forward and picking just one thing to focus on that you can succeed drinking 8 glasses of water a day for the next 2 days..and then adding all the other habits back in. p.s. thanks for the sesame oil and soy sauce idea with veggies..I love soy sauce stir-fry so I'm going to try the microwave version. emoticon emoticon
    1466 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/15/2014 7:31:23 PM
    I'm with MAMA. You're doing the best you can with the tools you have.
    And I also want to join you in this journey to mindful eating. I want to do that so badly for myself. I also want to be able to control my crazy mouth too, so we can cheer each other on, day by day.
    You told me recently that we face extraordinary challenges you and I. At the time I kinda dismissed that since I was too busy blaming myself for my behavior. But you were right. You are right. It's flipping TOUGH, every single day.

    Thank you for always being so honest about the struggle, but also honest about the desire to get to the finish line. And you will.
    And those school lessons will be finished,even though the days will still be crazy challenging, and sometimes laden with migraines and drama.

    I'm here for you, and in here WITH you!

    1471 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Yes, I vote you sit with it. Sit quietly with the truth and reality (and good for you for facing up to it - it just adds to my respect for you). Sit with the guilt and hear what it has to say, but bear in mind, guilt is sometimes a liar. I know, for me, I don't feel guilt about my eating disorder and resulting overweight, so much as I feel regret and I feel baffled and bewildered. I have overcome a lot of things in my life, thank God, but this one has me in its grip. I, too, am struggling mightily. I don't care why so much anymore, I just feel weary weary weary from the long-a$$ed struggle. I feel compassion for you. You are not alone. It is not as if everyone is doing well, except you. You are in a rough period. You need to show yourself extra kindness, and get extra rest. If guilt and recriminations and regret and shame worked, we would not be hauling around extra weight, or shoving in food we don't need, right? I am thinking of you and praying you get a break from the pain and the struggle. emoticon
    1472 days ago
    First of all, you are not alone. Second, I just love you. 3rd, guilt is for doing something wrong or bad! You are struggling, you are overloaded, you are doing the best you can with your tools you have at the time...geez woman, get off your back! One day, one mi ute at a time. I'm here for you. In the same boat. I think you're brave you faced the truth. That's the first step.
    1472 days ago
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