Saturday, March 08, 2014
This is a challenge for one of my teams that I almost forgot to do LOL. At least on a paper (computer). I've been working on it in real life though.
The first part is where I am or where I've been very recently as far as my weight loss goes. I had gained a little bit at home with my daughters. Mainly eating too much junk they brought into the house there and feeling stressed out and wanting to get them out of my house. Very long story and I won't go into the whole thing. However I was walking long distances daily, doing strength training and some water aerobics. That was before Halloween 2013, or a little over 4 months ago. Then everything changed and if you don't already know I had a stroke and major life changes. Upside down. Anyway, I spent almost 5 weeks in the hospital and then a couple of months in outpatient therapy and living with my son in a different state. Then insurance ran out for the therapy and I'm doing some on my own. But during the time of hospitalization I had nothing much to do except to look forward to whatever was going to be on the meal plate. I had a lot of problems with vision then due to a brain bleed and swelling in my brain so I couldn't read, do things on the computer, watch tv, look outside etc. Also very dizzy. I listened to tv with my head covered a lot. On Nov 21 I was moved from a hospital in Phoenix (home was in Silver City, NM) to a hospital that specializes in brain injuries and inpatient rehab in Dallas closer to my oldest son's home in Ft. Worth. I was there until Dec 3rd when I went to son's house (and family). There we had a menu to call in our orders for the day with all kinds of things on it. That was really fun for a foodaholic like me. Still main interests were food and therapy. Then I got out and ate what was at there house and where they went out to eat. I still continued to gain some weight back. Not to where I started but definitely too much. I felt like I couldn't change. But along with the food came also the dependence I had on my son and dil through this. I am not a person who depends on others most of the time, and everytime I have relied on people to take care of me or make me happy I've gotten hurt badly. They did an excellent job and first and were really helpful. Neither is good at long term care though. And I have found out I am not either. The fact they aren't there for me much now is actually a good thing, although it's been hard to deal with a t times. And what do I do when stressed? I turn to food!! I have such a hard time seeing it, but the fact that my family is not going to take care of me is really a good thing. It's been a major factor in losing weight for me though. And at the same time there is some grieving to this whole process. I am not home, I don't even have my home that rented anymore at this point. My daughters sent a some clothes when I had my car finally transported from a friend's house over here last week but not anywhere near what I need. It's 780 miles over there, where I guess they still have some of my stuff, but I can't drive there and flying into that rural town is a nightmare. I am trying to get my birth certificate, and other vital records that I don't have. If I send them money to send items to me I think they will spend it on other things. My daugthers' have a lot of problems. The point of all that is that there is grieving too, and my challenge is to separate what is legitimate grieving and what is dependence on others apart and make my life work. And find who I am and how I can lose weight in the process. It's in my brain and in my faith in God, who is the only one I've found to really lean on. Please understand I am in no way knocking my oldest son or his family. I am so very very grateful for what they have done. The problem is me when I expect things that aren't going to be there and often aren't even supposed to be there because I'm supposed to go a different direction.
Part 2 - so what does it mean for me going forward and how can I change this?
I have to remember that people, no matter who they are, do not hold answers for me. They hold treasures and the gifts they may have for me are to be treasured and used, but not to lean on anyone except my Higher Power who really does know what is ahead. This may be hard to some to read, but it is what has always worked for me. It may be hard but in the end I am happier. I love the people who have brought so much into my life. But I can't depend on them to keep me on feet. Only God and I can do that. So the past few days I've stuck to my food better because I am not turning to it because people can't do for me what I want. That's hard to remember though and every day I have to keep reminding myself of that. I've had to learn this in the past but then I forget again. I have to do it again and make it work for me. And I will and I'm doing it one day at a time. I also don't have to be what others may expect of me, or what I perceive they expect of me. When I am true to myself in lots of the other ways, my food comes more into place. And also my exercise on my own to keep getting better and better.