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I'm done with self-hatred, because I'm awesome and I deserve better.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

It's been about 10 weeks since I've started this latest effort to make some positive changes in my life. I'm feeling really good about the progress I've made, not just on the scale and in the mirror, but in my head. I remember writing a blog post a few months ago about having a hard time being nice to myself, but I am finding that a lot easier now. I've been thinking about things that I like about my body and my personality, instead of constantly criticizing myself and wishing I was different. For the first time in my life, I actually like myself.

As far back as I can remember, people were always telling me I was too big. I was the tallest kid in my class, all through elementary school, and everyone commented on it. I have four older brothers, all of whom are at least 6 feet tall, and adults were always saying, "You're going to be just as tall as your brothers." It made me feel like a lumbering giant, when I really wanted to be short and small, like my friends. My sister and I were both early developers, needing a bra in the fifth grade and getting our periods around age 11, and we were both horribly self-conscious about it. All I wanted was to be skinny and flat-chested like my friends. I remember being in 5th grade and getting weighed and measured out in the hallway with the other girls. I was mortified that I stood at 5'3" and weighed 115 pounds.

All through junior high and high school was self-conscious about my size. When I look back now, I know I wasn't overweight, or even unusually tall (I hit my adult height of 5'7" in high school), but I always felt like I was too big. My mother freaked out in a shoe store when I needed a size 10 shoe. She said that she was always in pain in high school, cramming her feet into shoes that were too small because she refused to wear anything bigger than a 61/2. She seemed weirdly proud of this, and was irritated because I refused to do the same. I hated discomfort more than being "too big."

I got my first real boyfriend in high school, and ended up marrying him 10 years later. I knew that marrying him was a bad idea, but I felt like I was pretty much stuck with him, so I did it. He was constantly criticizing me for being too big, eating too much, and not exercising enough. He was always pointing out skinny little women and airbrushed photos of celebrities as examples of what I was "supposed to" look like. I lost about 30 pounds at one point during that marriage, but gained it all back and more. After my daughter was born and I placed her for adoption, the ex and I got divorced and I really began to gain weight. I've put on about 80 pounds or so over the past 9 years.

Lately, I've really been thinking about that weight gain and trying to figure out why I gained so much and held on to it all this time. I think part of it is because it has felt safer to be overweight. If I have all this extra weight on me, then I don't have to worry about being worth something. It makes me sad to admit this, but the weight has helped me justify hating myself. That is terrible. I am done hating myself.

Even if I don't lose another pound, I will like myself. I will tell myself nice things. I will appreciate my legs for being strong and carrying me around. I will get a nice haircut because I deserve to look good. I will do physical activities that I enjoy because it is fun and makes me feel good. I will buy shirts that fit and not hide in big clothes. I will not apologize for being a tall woman with a big frame and size 11 feet (yep, they kept growing. Sorry Mom! emoticon ). I will not beat myself up for making the agonizing decision to let another couple adopt my daughter.

I am DONE hating myself, and it feels great.

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    1292 days ago
    Yeah for you! First, I don't see a size 11 as that big for 5'7". I'm 5'1" ish and wear a size 9.

    I think many of us have a similar story, I always felt too short/small. I would have looked at you like a goddess!

    You are a beautiful goddess! Believe that. Those models your ex pointed at were even taller than you and most of them have larger feet than you do too!! I'm so happy you have decided to be happy with yourself.

    Now tell yourself you are a GODDESS!! Cause I said so!
    1293 days ago
  • KATD13
    Yay! You deserve to both like & love yourself!

    We are different, yet oh so similar.

    I was always short & hated it. Envied the tall girls, they were so lucky. And then there was that song, "Short People". OMG, a song, on the radio, telling me how much I suck!
    Like you, I was very busty, at an early age. Which is NOT a good look, on a short girl. Tall girls can work it, short girls, not so much.

    I also had a mother who liked to point out all my flaws. Those words are still crystal clear in my head & my heart. It's hard to get past that. The person who is supposed to love you the most, is constantly telling you that your not good enough.
    Then it gets worse, having a relationship with an abusive a-hole. *sigh* Great, more negative reinforcement. Well, 'F' them!

    You know what? You ARE good enough!
    You are awesome, and you do deserve better.
    Just because someone said it, does not make it true. There's a long list of why your amazing. Love yourself, because you are wonderful, brave, smart, & talented. And beautiful, inside & out.
    Sending you big hugs emoticon just for you!

    1293 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    Freedom! I'm not there yet, but your blog spoke volumes to me. I am still hiding behind tonnage, but that is only temporary!
    1293 days ago
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