Thursday, March 06, 2014
my family's opinion matters way too much to me.. i believe they think the worst or that my reasons for doing things are stupid. I feel like an idiot most of the time because i'm trying so hard NOT to be. (everyone in my family is extremely intelligent, whereas i am a "mere mortal") so i say dumb things or act rudely or loudly or become extremely annoying. i don't know why i do this. i'm always looking for an opportunity to be "smart". i watch everything that comes out of my mouth and ask myself if it's dumb or something i "should" be talking about. i pretend to understand things that i don't. i must keep conversations light. i can't take the risk of having an opinion or speaking about something any deeper than tv shows
. i believe that i am being judged in everything i do or, MORE IMPORTANTLY, don't do. i believe i have to provide written documentation, a well thought out explaination, and medical paperwork in order to justify my actions. (yes, i have done that) if i simply go about my life without explaining my actions, i am lazy and selfish and dumb.
I do not feel this way in the "real world". out there i feel like i am an intelligent, thoughtful person who thinks very deeply about things. i have goals, every day is a battle to become a better, more positive person. i truly believe anything is possible, and i believe God has a hand in EVERYTHING we do.
no i cannot distance myself from my family. it's impossible, i have to take care of my mom.
i started therapy but the co-pay DOUBLED so i got one whole session. yippee. i'm all fixed.