Every morning I wake up. All I want to do is keep sleeping. Or the couch grabs my butt and I melt there until it's time to go for work.
I end each of my days with regret. Regret that I've let myself regain all this weight. Regret that I didn't do ANYTHING to change this.
This picture was taken in early Dec 2009. I worked hard that year. I found the secret to weight loss. In fact, that same month, I really pushed. I lost at least 6 more pounds over where I was in this picture before New Years Eve.
I would put my mind to what I needed to do for weight loss, and get out and do it.
Over the past year, I was trying. I trained hard for a race in Regina last September. But I did not loose the weight. I still haven't figured out what went wrong for me. I trained hard. I was running 5-6 days a week. I did not have a PR time for the race, but my recovery was under an hour. In fact, within 30min of crossing the finish line, I was good to go.
This is a picture of me on NYE this year. I am right back to the same weight I started this journey on in 2009. I cried when I saw this picture.
I have given up on myself again.
I became so frustrated after I ran the race in Regina. I worked hard, but didn't seem to loose any weight. I think I lost maybe 2-3lbs. When I saw the video of me crossing the finish line, I was embarrassed. I could not believe what I looked like. I'm so embarrassed by it, I didn't even post it.
After Regina I got really sick. It's easy enough to understand why I'm trapped here at the bottom of the mountain again. I was really sick. Shingles attacked my face. I couldn't sleep for weeks. There was no way I was able to do anything more than just try to rest and let my body heal. It honestly took me 3 months to get over the worst of the attack. Then it's been at least a couple months more for my body to recuperate. I've tried a couple of times to get back into fitness. Exhaustion - both physical and emotional, as well as mild injury have kept me from really stepping up to the plate.
Now that I think about it, maybe it was just my bodies way of trying to stay lazy.
Let's face it. It's easier to just melt into the couch like this every morning than it is to get out and do what I need to do.
But I have to say, living with the regret every day is not so easy.. It's taking a toll on my, on my emotional health. It's fueling a negative cycle. It's fueling the belief that I just may not be able to do this.
I know the same workout/activity can either be fun, or torture. The difference is in the attitude. Your internal dialogue.
I hate to admit it, but right now the best I can do is to stop the negative thoughts in that internal dialogue. I'm not sure I can even come up with some encouragement for it for today. But as long as I can keep the negative and self defeating dialogue out, that alone will be an accomplishment.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to where I was. It was a lot of hard work to get there. When I was on that journey the first time, I told myself every day it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It really was. I don't understand why in my mind now it wasn't so bad. The reality is I struggled with it every day.