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3/4/14 Compulsive Eater.

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Once upon a time I was succeeding in my weight loss goals. Then October 5, 2013, all hell broke loose in my life, and I wasn't able to return to normality. I have always secluded myself from the lives of others, but the one person I had always depended on, emotionally snapped, and ended up tearing up my life, and my family in the process. I am still recovering, without therapy, without friends. And because of this, I haven't been focusing on me. I have just been performing the actions of my life. Doing what I needed to do to survive. And yet some days I don't feel like surviving at all. I have quit drinking alcohol (nothing since Christmas). And I am still working on my college (officially in the masters program now). I am still working full time. But I think that is the whole of the good parts. Now I have begun compulsively eating, and I am depressed, and completely stressed, and overworked. I have not exercised more than an hour in three months.The winter weather doesn't help either. It feels like its never going to stop snowing. Usually I use walking to help kick start my mood and lifestyle change, but its too crappy outside to even consider a walk, and my treadmill is in my dungeon. That and I have suckered away about two grand in the casino in the last two months, just trying to find a reprieve, a release, and that keeps me away from eating, but leaves me just feeling as terrible as I had after eating. Like a failure. Today I have probably already consumed 2,000 calories, and it just was lunchtime. I am so stuffed. I started the day with a healthy mindset. 2 Liters of water, a slim fast beverage, a banana, and two 90 calorie special k bars. That was the intention of my day's calories until I got home, with the exception of a cup of applesauce in the fridge that I could have gone to if I had ate all that. But by 9 am I had ate all that. Then I walked to the other side of the plant to purchase "Bluberry Blasts" which turned out to be nasty preservitive laced glazed donut things that were 560 calories for 2, and I justified that as lunch. but it was only 10:30, so at 11:15 I ordered chinese. Which made me feel junky some more. But I returned to my desk, only eating half of it. Threw the rest away, threw my pop away, and grabbed my water. But now, I am depressed, and in tears, and too full, and its snowing still, and I just want a break. I want to feel better, and feel good. And I don't. I am miserable. So I came back to sparkpeople. Depressed. I have gained 26 lbs since October, and I need to fix this. So I am hoping someone has time for me. Despite me not having time for anyone. I am hoping someone will coach me. Or be my chearleader. Lord knows I can't do this on my own. Thanks for reading.

Day 0.
Tired of crying.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
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    1448 days ago
    Wow, I could have written this myself. I've had a rough year and I turn to food, too. You'll get through this. Today was my first day staying within my calorie range in, well, a long time. Food is everywhere and it's hard to get away from it.

    The next time you're tempted to throw in the towel just remember that yucky feeling from over-indulging in unhealthy foods. Just take it day by day. We're here for you.

    p.s. If you're interested there's a DONE girl challenge that just started and it's not too late to join. It's called Blooming Beauties and you weigh in now and again on St. Patty's day, Easter, etc. until Memorial Day. Might be good to be accountable.

    Best of luck to you. If you ever need anything let me know! emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1448 days ago
    First, you need a ((((HUG)))). Now, didn't that feel good? Let me dry your tears as I tell you hope has arrived. The past is just that. It passed behind you and you have a brand new future right in front of you.
    For the next 15 minutes, just think about how nice it would be to have your life in your own control. If it were true, would you feel safe? Would you be proud of yourself for regaining control? Would you feel hopeful? Would you feel less scared? Would you feel more powerful?
    At the end of that 15 minutes, look back. Wasn't it awesome to feel that way? Would you like to feel more of that? If you could do it for 15 minutes, do you think you could do it for another 15 minutes? Are you willing to try to feel that way for another 15 minutes?
    You can string those 15 minutes out for the next 3 hours. But then what? You'll be wanting to eat soon. Don't be afraid. You can do it. You have already done it? What was the last healthy meal you ate that you really enjoyed? Could you make it again? Are you willing to put out some effort to make that happen? If you eat a healthy meal, you will be ready to start buying your life back 15 minutes at a time.
    You are worth it. You deserve to feel so much better than this. Let this be your new beginning.

    1449 days ago
  • WEIGH-2-GO
    Aww. I know where yourncoming from. Its so easy to gain and so hard to lose. Have you checked for an over eaters anonymous in your area? Maybe that will give you some help. Just take one day at a time. If I had one in my area I would go. I was so out of control with my eating . And its only my first week trying to stay away. I cant have one of anything caus3 I overindulge. it isnt easy....but I hope it will get easier. And for you to. You have the power to overcome any obstacles. One day at a timr
    1449 days ago
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