Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Once upon a time I was succeeding in my weight loss goals. Then October 5, 2013, all hell broke loose in my life, and I wasn't able to return to normality. I have always secluded myself from the lives of others, but the one person I had always depended on, emotionally snapped, and ended up tearing up my life, and my family in the process. I am still recovering, without therapy, without friends. And because of this, I haven't been focusing on me. I have just been performing the actions of my life. Doing what I needed to do to survive. And yet some days I don't feel like surviving at all. I have quit drinking alcohol (nothing since Christmas). And I am still working on my college (officially in the masters program now). I am still working full time. But I think that is the whole of the good parts. Now I have begun compulsively eating, and I am depressed, and completely stressed, and overworked. I have not exercised more than an hour in three months.The winter weather doesn't help either. It feels like its never going to stop snowing. Usually I use walking to help kick start my mood and lifestyle change, but its too crappy outside to even consider a walk, and my treadmill is in my dungeon. That and I have suckered away about two grand in the casino in the last two months, just trying to find a reprieve, a release, and that keeps me away from eating, but leaves me just feeling as terrible as I had after eating. Like a failure. Today I have probably already consumed 2,000 calories, and it just was lunchtime. I am so stuffed. I started the day with a healthy mindset. 2 Liters of water, a slim fast beverage, a banana, and two 90 calorie special k bars. That was the intention of my day's calories until I got home, with the exception of a cup of applesauce in the fridge that I could have gone to if I had ate all that. But by 9 am I had ate all that. Then I walked to the other side of the plant to purchase "Bluberry Blasts" which turned out to be nasty preservitive laced glazed donut things that were 560 calories for 2, and I justified that as lunch. but it was only 10:30, so at 11:15 I ordered chinese. Which made me feel junky some more. But I returned to my desk, only eating half of it. Threw the rest away, threw my pop away, and grabbed my water. But now, I am depressed, and in tears, and too full, and its snowing still, and I just want a break. I want to feel better, and feel good. And I don't. I am miserable. So I came back to sparkpeople. Depressed. I have gained 26 lbs since October, and I need to fix this. So I am hoping someone has time for me. Despite me not having time for anyone. I am hoping someone will coach me. Or be my chearleader. Lord knows I can't do this on my own. Thanks for reading.
Tired of crying.