Today, I will do something utterly revolutionary on this blog. I will be completely and totally real with you, my Spark friends (and even non-Spark enemies). No code names, no forced enthusiasm. Just...me.
To say this week was unexpected would be an understatement. What began as a simple hospital visit on Wednesday morning turned into a 3.5 day marathon farmer/babysitting gig. My stepdad was admitted to the hospital with severe pain in his left hand, which we thought for awhile, was sepsis. So dangerous. So scary.
I ended up helping my Mom by staying at her house for three nights to be with my 13 yr old sister. Also ended up taking care of all her animals (dog, cat, 2 rabbits and 3 horses). It was nice to be able to assist my Mom and spoil my family a bit (with yummy meals and Starbucks, etc) and to learn how to care for horses. But I won't lie. It was difficult, spiritually and emotionally. This week, I heard nurses ask my Mom unthinkable questions about my stepdad - things that she is not ready to face and, thankfully, won't have to for awhile. All of this has now caught up with me physically.
The most wonderful part of this week was that Todd (my dear Mr. T) was there for me and for my family every step of the way. He was the FIRST to visit the hospital and he was with me and my family every free moment this week. While I held my family together, this dear man held ME together. I will never be able to repay him for his support and kindness during this time.
Thankfully, the infection was just gout and a cyst, NOT sepsis. With super strong antibiotics and anti-inflammatories, the swelling and infection were contained and my stepdad finally came home yesterday.
Throughout this ordeal, ideas began to form in my head about how much really matters at this point in our lives. What is REALLY important?
Petty jealousy over pathetic and stupid schemes of unintelligent exes - their last ditch efforts to hurt us because we hurt them so deeply by not choosing them? By not wanting to be with them because our hearts had nothing in common?
OR the fact that we are together now? That our families will merge into one and, come hell or high water, this will happen? No amount of stupidity or threat will prevent Todd from loving my kids...or me from loving his or all of us from becoming the family we are meant to be. Not a natural family, but a special unit, nonetheless.
Here is the thing...there will always be unpleasant people that do their damndest to make our lives harder. But the fact is...this wonderful and infinitely loving man wants me. He chose me. He will live forever with me. How could I ever harbor any bitterness about anything with such a wonderful knowledge in my heart? He cares for me, he takes care OF me. He cooks magnificent meals for me. He loves my children like his own. He believes in himself and his dreams because no one believes in him more than I do. He can do anything. And I know he believes the same about me. It's just pointless to waste even a moment of emotional energy or attention on some ignoramus who has nothing at all to do with our happiness. Morons will be morons, you know?
Last night, Todd helped me select a wrist guard for my aching wrist (carpal tunnel is flaring for the first time in years). In addition to wrist pain, I was struggling with exhaustion from this draining week and almost felt nauseated just being upright, walking through the store. It was the first time since we've been together that I felt the gentle grip of middle age beginning to wrap its fingers around my heart.
I looked at Todd and said, "I can't believe we're doing this. I can't believe you're helping me with this. It's only going to get worse from here, you know." He answered, "Yes." And I was overwhelmed at the thought that he would choose to be with me, knowing that we face unspeakable pain together and deaths of parents and moving away of children.
At the same time, I felt so thankful that we still have enough youth left in us...that we re-united in time to try new things, to travel, to have ridiculous amounts of amazing sex and to love life together. To some, our marriage seems hurried and rushed....but for us, too many days and years have already passed. This is the time to LIVE. And I'm so blessed to get this second chance...to live out the rest of my days with my dearest and most intimate friend.