day 119 - feeling low and revenge eating
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Not a low as in a weight low! A mental low!
I have been tracking and struggling and biking and I had hoped I was doing ok! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I weighed myself today when I got back from around the bay!! Never had a sip of alcohol but I may have eaten (heck..I did) too many calories. I have been doing well, or so I thought! The scale did not move at all. Not at all. Not a smidgen. Six nights of biking and according to the tracker burning 501 calories per trip...why am I not losing weight???
I must be doing something wrong. this whole thing ...eating and tracking and weighing myself is bloody nerve racking. I suffer from a roller coaster of emotions. Happy, excited, sad, anry disgusted!! I think I felt everyone today. Right after I got weighed, I went to the local store and bought about 25 chocolate covered Jube Jubes. This was a standard Sunday activity until I started my journey to day 300. Then I bought a package of salt and vinegar rice cake minis. Then I came home and told my husband I was going to our bedroom and if anyone called to say I was not there. Then I closed the curtains, ate all the candy and all the rice cakes while I watched TV. Not sure if I mentioned it but I am lactose intolerant. If I eat a small amout of chocolate my stomach can tolerate it but if I eat a lot of it, like 25 chocolate covered jube jubes, I have a problem. After about 15 mins or so, my stomach starts to churn and I throw up! So I planned to eat enough so it wouldn't stay in my system. Not sure if that makes me bullimic but thats what happens and I knew it would. I was so angry and upset with myself. The last time I did that must be a few years ago. Anyway it is done. I felt even more disgusting afterwards. I spent most of the afternoon just wallowing. Anyway eventually hubby came along and lay down with me and then we had a nap. When I woke I felt a bit better but still like my afternoon has been a log drawn out sigh!
I am so angry. Seriously..I eat so well. I never ever ever ever have fried stuff or junk food. Myself and hubby gave up processed food a few years ago and we do not have any in our house. I don't bake because I don't want to eat sugar. I should have shares in the boneless skinless chicken breast company we eat so much of it. I am constantky at the supermarket buying fruit and veggies! The only snack food we have in the house is a giant contained of unsalted mixed nuts! For the most part, I stay within my calorie allottment. I am biking for 60 mins a day!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sick and tired of all this effort...sick and tired.ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
So I decided to make comfort food for dinner. Pasta with no salted added tomatoes and a ton of veggies and extra lean ground beef. I rarely make this because I love eating it so much. Pasta is a trigger food for me. I don't want a measly serving size of pasta...i want ALLLLLLLL the pasta!!!! So it is safer for me to not eat it at all. Well this evening, I made it and I ate two big sevings!!!!!!!!
By now I am sure you are convinced I am a lunatic! Maybe I really am. I certainly have issues around food and weight!!!
I call what I did today "revenge eating",,,,so I never lost weight...damm**t, I will give you a reason to not lose weight...bring on the carbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still angry..omg...I am pounding the keys.!!!!!!! Hubby just gave me a raised eyebrow!
Gotta settle down and find that freeaking horse.
So angry though....all the effort....then nothing............sigh sigh sigh......
Taking a new approach now. I am going to stop eating bread. I am going to stop eating peanut butter. I am revising my menus. I am going to focus my choices to vegs, fruit, cereal( branflakes is the only kind I alow myself to eat, without milk of course due to the lactose intolerance) and protien. Lets see how that goes. I am also going to try to eat more food I don't like, at least I won't overeat on that!
Branflakes and pineapple for breakfast tomorrow.
Tossed salad and tuna for lunch.
An apple in between.
Poached chicken breast and salad and other vegs for dinner.
fruit as an evening snack and then biking for 60 mins!!
Now the internal debate starts...to bike or not to bike this evening! Might go eat a few more bites of pasta and contemplate that!!!