Friday, February 28, 2014
Starting February I knew I was going to push hard through fitness. When I saw the numbers on the tape measurement on the first there was a wake up call of sorts to me. a pound here and there are to be expected but the loss of my hard earned inches well that is not acceptable. It enlisted a fear response in me. I will never go back to where I was and if that makes me a bit of an obsessive person then so be it. The flip side for me of not being obsessive is what 40 years got me, which was obesity ridicule and loss of self respect. Don't get me wrong not every day was filled with misery. I dont know any obese person who is miserable all the time. It just isnt the make up of the mind of a seriously overweight person. The ones I know personally are generally happy helpful respectful people and very knowledgeable of the fact that they are obese they just feel a sense of helplessness as to how take on the job of loosing the magnitude of weight so they just go on till something happens that makes them have to change.
I woke up on the day that I literally could not get off my couch. When it took me 30 minutes to rise onto the crutches. When the images of some poor person trying to get my almost 400 pounds off the floor. Images of being dropped as ball bearers toted my coffin to the grave. No I was not as obese as some and no i didnt look hideous but none the least this was what brought me to my change. I have gotten stronger, I am by far more confident while still holding on to the traits of me that I like. I never set out to change me as a person just to change my body. Having said that who i am as a person has taken a beaten and some days are harder than others. I can not speak as to the masses here but only of myself. Yesterday was one of those beaten days.
Fifteen hours a day I am me the new me. I laugh and giggle and have fun with my process. I enjoy my gym and fitness. I am calm and for the most part have no need or desire about food and my emotions. Even on bad days there is never a want to turn to food i just work through it all and move on. Yesterday morning was no different as I did not want food to deal with my emotions but I had very strong emotions about food. I felt vulnerable, helpless and defeated. It is hard to live two seperate lives as i do. I have my healthy life that is just me and then I have the others that live in this house that i also have to contend with their needs and wants and desires. Those things never go with mine. There is never a time where any one says i will have what you are having. There is never a time when someone says lets take a walk. There is never a time when someone says help me change. I have resided to the fact that is just life for me. However. at times i look on in disbelief and wonder how i can do this.
I generally dont eat in the same room with my husband. I know it is a horrible thing but he has turned meals into something i can not deal with. Wednesday night however i ate with him. I had 4 ounces of shake and bake boneless pork chops, 1 cup of squash and a half of cup of mac and cheese. I dont usually eat mac and cheese but I need the carbs as i wiped out all my energy level. He on the other hand had 6 of these boneless pork chops at least 4 cups of mac and cheese with at least 6 cups of mashed potatoes my son had cooked topped with at least a quarter cup of sour cream. I promise I am not exaggerating here. This is two sittings for him. I sat watching him eat and I thought to myself i am doomed. It will never be where it is not cooking for an army. I got up when i finished eating and just went to bed with this sinking helpless feeling. This is not just a one time thing for him he eats like this every night. All i wanted to do is go workout the fear inside of me rose so powerful. When i got up yesterday morning i had to clean the kitchen and i stood looking at the reminisce of minor amounts of food there had been enough food cooked to feed at least 8 people with second helpings. and yet in my kitchen there was no left overs. i cried the entired time i cleaned the kitchen as this will never change. The nights of gorging on food and then drinking to a stooper. It is very saddening and discouraging to think about. I couldnt stop the tears I dont know perhaps i was just tired perhaps i hate pork chops all i know is that I couldnt get it out of my head.
I suited up and went out to do a quick walk. The first half mile i said when i get back to the drive way i will go in. At the drive way i was still crying so I said back to the end of the road that will be two miles when i get to the end of the drive i will go in. at the drive i am still crying so back to the end for another mile then i will go in. after 3.1 miles i had quieted the tears so i went in. each time the tears came back i went and did something as i will not fall into the bed and swallow my feelings. I couldnt write this yesterday but i have today with only the want to cry not the actual tears. I am better today but my head still is trying to put aside the feelings. i dont put this here because i want or need anyone's pitty but to say that no matter what fight for your change. I deal with anxiety and depression and in a lot of ways those are worst than obesity. I am not always perfect in my program but I try to be true and honest about it just others who may read this will know You can do a lot but you really do have to want this and yes even obsess about at times. But i survive and you can to. Ok it is time to go walk. One more day and the measurements I take great pride in knowing that those have changed for the good without even seeing the tape .