The Ever Evolving Mind of Tracy

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Hello! It has been a long time since I blogged and it is probably one of the top things I miss about SP, besides all the support. I wish I had more time to get online and be as active as I was. There are two reasons for my lack of being around.

1. I am so much busier!!! We bought our new house in October of 2014 and I spend a lot of time keeping things up, where in the old house I would go on cleaning sprees, cuz it needed to be done, here I have a great routine, which does take up time. We also moved 15 minutes from town, so I am still getting down the habits of getting everything while I am there, that is getting much better lately. Samuel is now 4 years old, and he keeps me super busy as does driving him to and from school in town, three days a week. James is a huge part of my day, he is failing miserably in school and I am constantly on top of this, I could blog about my challenges with him for hours. Kaleigh is in her first year of college, she is doing really well, but we have a whole new realm of struggles between us. Honestly I think she is maturity wise behind her peers. She is 18, but acts about 15 and wants to be treated like she is 25. It is hard mentally.

2. I feel like I am cheating coming on here. I am not counting calories or exercise minutes anymore. I am trying new things in terms of weight loss, exercise and foods. But I looked at it differently when one of my dearest SP friends challenged me to come on. I don't need to do those things to be a part of SP. I can do what makes me comfortable and I have time for and still get all the support and benefits of being here. It isn't about calories and minutes.

So, here I am back to blogging. Which is something that will help me since starting March 1st, I was going to keep a journal anyhow, so what better place! Let me sum up where I am in my journey and how I have gotten here.

I hit my goal in September of 2012, of 165 pounds. I knew I would keep losing weight but I was sick of saying I was on a weight loss journey. I don't know why I felt this way, but I did. I just wanted to live life. I was running and had goals, but was running a lot. I had a strict schedule and lived by it. By December of 2012, I even made a commitment to run everyday that month at least a mile, but I never did a mile, I always did more and ended up running 100 miles that month. Through the next few months I was very focused on my running and miles and times and distances, I was obsessed, which is just a tendency in me. Then one day I hit a wall. I was sick of always going out to beat myself. I was sick of trying to get faster, go longer and get stronger. I felt like I was in competition but I was the only person competing. So, I started trying some different stuff here and there, trying to find a healthy balance.

Head to July 2013 and my husband has been feeling off for a couple of weeks, he has these short strange bouts of pressure in his chest. Sometimes shortness of breath. This is always when he was working outdoors and he does have asthma, I finally convinced him to go to the doctor. He went and though all the tests they could run then and there came back fine, they scheduled him for a stress test but told him if he started experiencing the symptoms again to head to the ER. Four days before his test, he calls and says the guys from work are bringing him to the ER. We go, they run tests, nothing is showing anything at all for his heart. He wants to leave, the dr and I convince him to stay overnight for observation and they will do the stress test on him the next morning. At the end of the test, he starts to feel very slight symptoms, but nothing really shows up on the monitors. Four drs say they think it is just how he is built, the 5th dr says he isn't comfortable sending him home and suggests an angioplasty, now we have to convince him to do this. Goes in the next day and has a 90% blockage in his artery. This totally throws me off schedule. I stopped running, went to drs visits with him and started to try to help him start living again, he was so afraid to do anything. Eating wise I was okay, since we were trying to eat healthier. Since then he has loosened up a bit and life has returned to mostly normal. But in the fall, my eating goes to hell.

I keep trying to regain control. I keep trying all kinds of different strategies, and things would work but nothing stuck long term. I tried challenges, running Biggest Loser challenges, different programs, back to what I remembered from Weight Watchers, bought Dolvetts book and was doing that. Something always got me right back to a cycle of binge eating. Which would last anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. I couldn't stay on track with exercise. I was frustrated with running and dreaded it, which made me more frustrated because I LOVE to run. I was back at 190 pounds before I knew it.

A few weeks ago, around the same time I signed back on here, which lasted two days I think....I really started thinking about what my goals where. My whole mind set started changing. I think that my weight loss journey was nothing like how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I had to sit and evaluate what I wanted and the best way for me to achieve that. (Another long side story that I won't even get into is that I never did the Disney half marathon this winter, mostly due to timing, finances and details....I think this was another added reason that I just threw in the towel, I felt like a failure, even though I KNEW it was the best choice for me and my family) So, I thought about going back to SP and counting calories and minutes. I KNEW this worked for me to lose weight before. But then I got sick of the logging and such very quickly. This isn't something I can for life.

I finally came to my first conclusion, I really wanted to run a half marathon, I know those feelings of having not gone were going to continue to make me feel bad about myself. I signed up to do a half marathon on Mothers Day (what the BLANK was I thinking here.....but I am determined to do it anyhow, no matter how I have to cross that darn finish line). I laid out my own schedule and made it so it would work for me. Right at the beginning I realized that I was so out of running shape. I have since went back to the SP walking/running plan while training. Before I started this and was training, I was dreading my runs still. I would get off the treadmill and immediately start dreading that in 48 hours I was going to be back there. Having stopped completely running and doing the running walking program, that has totally gone away. I am looking forward to them again and am enjoying my running again. I thought that the running would keep my eating in check, since in the past it has.

My eating was not doing so well. I would have a few good days and then fall off the wagon again with a binge and pick myself back up and do it again. There was no rhyme or reason to the number of days or anything, though I rarely went longer than two weeks. I stopped weighing myself then. This began as a fear of not wanting to see the number on the scale but in time grew into something else....I liked not weighing in. I like not beating myself up over the number on the scale, especially with my binge eating, I was beating myself up enough as it was. So, I haven't been back on the scale in a long time. Not necessarily out of fear (though it is still there, since I am pretty sure I am still around 190), but also out of the freedom I have. This battle has been mentally wearing on me and is exhausting to me. I started looking into food addictions, binge eating disorder and sugar addictions. I don't eat too much as it is, but what I was reading about made sense about why when I was indulging in a little bit, I was spinning out of control. I also started to re think my weight goals. I hated how much work it was to be in the 150s, it was nice to buy size 8/10 jeans and it was nice to say I was in the 150s and even for a short time in the 140s, but it was a lot of work, or at least felt like a lot of work to me.

So, here is where I am standing right now. I am taking on the biggest challenge I have done yet and doing Whole30 for the month of March. At first it was down right scary to me. I wasn't sure I wanted to give up cheesecake, brownies and cookies forever, as the first book I read suggested. Then I started reading It Starts with Food and talking to a friend who did Whole30 a few months ago, only meaning to do it for one month, but has since has been able. This seemed like an easier goal, thirty days and the benefits seem to outweigh any food I might miss in that month. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I figured it is worth a shot. Especially since the life I am leading with binge eating isn't easy either. So, for this month I wanted to be able to journal about my daily struggles and accomplishments, I am going to track a few things, not just weight and measurements, but also sleep patterns, muscular feelings, running feelings, my feelings in general, hair, skin, nails, who knows what else. I figure this may be something as a food addict I have to do. I have to start looking at my addiction to food as an alcoholic would look at a drink or a drug addict would look at their drug. Sugar/wheat may be something I have to give up, and I have actually reached a point where I am coming to peace with that. Maybe someday down the road, I will be able to enjoy things in moderation, but after reading all the info and talking to my friends, the benefits easily may outweigh in the things I think I will miss. In the past couple of days I have been on Pinterest and online, finding recipes. I found 4 breakfasts, 4 lunches and I will easily be able to do dinners with what I am making for the family. I will make double the recipes for the breakfasts and lunches and rotate them through the week. I will not be counting calories. I will not be logging my food more than listing what I eat for each meal. I will not be doing weekly weigh ins or measurements, but will do those again at the end of the month. I will be constantly reviewing the other things I am monitoring though.

I am planning on still following the plan for my half marathon. My workout schedule right now has me doing 30-45 minutes of strength training on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Mondays and Wednesdays are 3 mile runs. Friday is my long run. This week is my 6 mile run. Saturdays are a recovery run of 2 miles. Sunday is supposed to be a rest day. I am little worried about this schedule as well. I am thinking about changing things up for March as well. My binges have tended to start on Friday night, though that wasn't really the problem. On Friday night I would treat myself to a "cheat" meal (another thing that doesn't really work for food addicts, nor does everything in moderation.....) then Saturday I would do only 2 miles on the treadmill....this would lead to lots of careless eating all that day, but set the stage for Sunday when I didn't work out at all....full out is ugly, I am talking thousands and thousands of calories. So, I am debating two ideas. One is to take away the rest day and make it a day of choice, but I have to do something.....pilates, a walk, a hike, an extra ST session, but something for at least 30 minutes. Or I am thinking about changing my routine. It would be ST on Wednesday and Friday. Tuesday and Thursdays would be 3-4 mile runs. Long run would be Saturday and recovery on Sunday. Which leaves me with a Monday, which may be good for me to fully get some rest on those muscles I used a lot over the weekend. I have two days to pick what I am going to do. As far as the running walking, I am on my second week, which means I am doing 330 walks and 130 runs. I plan on cutting 30 seconds off the walks and adding the 30 seconds to the run each week, but if I have trouble with a change, I have plenty of time to stay on it for two weeks as well. My last goal is to blog daily, so you will be hearing from me again soon and I promise for not as lengthy!

I am going to start keeping up on my friend feed as well and hopefully read some blogs and see how everyone is doing! YAY!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Welcome back! Feels good, no?
    1421 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Welcome back and best of luck on your renewed plan! It is not always easy but figuring out a plan and going with it will help! Nice to see you back!
    1421 days ago
    I can relate to the whole not wanting to be here if I'm not following the same plan as everyone else. There were a few months in this last year that I disappeared completely. I'm learning ways, now, to connect even if I'm not the same as others.

    The user SLIMKATIE says on her page that her biggest advice is not to make changes your'e not willing to make for the rest of your life. I wasn't willing to eat less than 1500 calories a day for the rest of my life, or to do interval training, or to count calories every single day. So I didn't. And I still lost. Slowly, sure, but I still lost. You just have to find what works for you, and I think that you're on the right track with journaling and self-evaluation.
    1421 days ago
    Tracy Good luck on doing your 30 days of March! I am sorry about all the difficulties you have had in this past year. You are juggling a lot of stuff. But you can succeed! You did it once so you can do it again. I think that not be attached to the scale is a good thing for you. You had a lot of success when you only weighed yourself once a month. I am so glad you are back emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1421 days ago
    Tracy, the first step is in making the decision to change. I, too, gained 30 pounds over the past year after my knee surgery. I had the surgery and then my opposite hip sidelined me for 6 months! I went from working out 6 days a week for an hour to nothing. It was horrible. My hip finally got better after I got a new job that I absolutely LOVE! Go figure. My mother also died in April of last year-right before my surgery. As of now, I'm back down to 164 from 181 and still losing. I'm following the program at the weight loss center I'm working for now, and it's almost to cut the cord of the old job (my new one is every other week so I've still been working at the old place - but that has to stop for my sanity).

    If anyone can do this, YOU can! I would completely agree with changing your workout schedule and the whole food diet. Last year before I started gaining again, I lost 17 pounds over Lent by giving up sweets and most wheat! Totally took away my cravings.

    If you need help, let me know. I'm a Health Coach now, and can help you with your journey - but only if you need it. If not, blogging here and continuing to connect with the SP community is a great thing!

    Nice to see you again! :)
    1421 days ago
    Wow. WOW. Look at all the changes in the last two years!

    Tracy, I have to admit, I am really glad you decided to give up the calorie counting. There were some days I worried about you and the pattern of binging and then eating very little. I love that you've found a measure of balance and especially that you've found peace with your body.

    And good for you for keeping up with running! I've gotten into running, too! I ran three miles last night and the night before. Tomorrow will, hopefully, be five.

    I'm so glad you're back here, my friend. I really did miss you.
    1421 days ago
  • DR8561
    I'm glad you're back. You're smart to re-evaluate and work out a plan that will work for you long-term. As a fellow food addict (and recently diagnosed diabetic), I've learned from experience that abstaining from sugar and flour is easier than trying to eat them "in moderation". I'm looking forward to your blogs as you work out your own plan. A healthy life is a lot more than numbers on a scale. I'm pulling for you! emoticon
    1421 days ago
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