Day 12... Dependency
Thursday, February 27, 2014
I looked good today. I wore my new bright blue skirt with the black poka dolt blouse and my makeup looked great. I wore my new coat. I felt good. I went to work expecting compliments, and people noticed. It is nice dressing up and feeling good.
Then I noticed that one of my coworkers wasn't there. I asked someone where he was, and they said he went out of the country for vacation. I didn't ask when he would be back.
And suddenly I didn't feel as good. I guess you could say I have a small crush on him. I feel weird even admitting that. I'm 23 and I have a crush. I feel like I'm in high school. He is really cute. But I barely ever say two words to him. Every time he is around I clam up and get awkward. I can talk to any of the other guys in the office normally, but this guy, it's like I want to start a conversation but I just can't.
I had no idea that he would be out of the office, and I was kind of surprised at how disappointed I felt when I found out he wasn't there. I guess a part of me was hoping he would see how hot I looked today and... I don't know. I have no idea what I expected would happen. Firstly, he is younger than me. I doubt we have much in common. It is just a small office crush... Then why was I looking forward to 'showing off' for him?
If we only wanted to look good for ourselves, we would never leave the house. What's the point of getting all dressed up with no where to go? Of course we love hearing compliments from friends and family, but if it is from a cute guy that you like, it feels much better.
I went to therapy briefly to deal with some family matters. The one thing I took out of it is that the only validation you need is your own. It sounds so simple. But it is hard to put into practice. As children, we grew up with our parents' approval, or sometimes disappointments. Everyone wants to feel accepted and validated.
When I was younger, I did not have the greatest relationship with my mother. She would say horrible things about me and my character, negative things that I didn't feel were true. She would tell me that I had to change, or I would lead a miserable life. I tried so hard to not believe what she was saying, to tell myself that she didn't really know me at all, that she was making it all up, But it seeped in. So I would behave selfishly and say, well my mother told me I'm a selfish person, so I guess it must be true.
I moved out of the house and got away from that. My mother has since changed. She apologized. She told me I changed and I'm different now. I don't want to need her approval but the child in me always will. I have to fight to leave the negative voices behind, and have a new mantra in my head.
When it comes to men, I want to get noticed. I want to feel attractive, and desirable. But that is the mistake I made the last time I lost weight. I experimented with guys and bars, and it didn't feel good. I didn't get the approval I was seeking, and none of the relationships I was looking for were real.
I know that I have to learn to validate myself, and to not be dependent on other people's approval. A part of me was kicking myself today, like how could I not have known that my cute coworker was leaving, I should have spoken to him, said something, anything. I even saw him randomly on the street Saturday night. I was coming back from the weekend and I felt disheveled. I'm like, great, the best time to see this guy. So I said, hi how are you, and walked away. And then felt like banging my head against a wall saying, stupid stupid stupid.
I don't want to be that girl that gets so caught up in a boy that she loses herself. I don't think I will. This feels like just a crush. I'm losing weight for me and not for anyone else. But in a way, I can't even think about getting into a relationship now. I keep thinking, once I'm at my goal weight, that would be a good time to date. Then I will feel happy and settled, and I will feel confident in meeting guys. I don't want to take my emotional baggage into a relationship. I don't want to put that on anyone else.
But that doesn't seem too realistic. I'm gonna have to let someone in sometime, whether now or later. But even at my goal weight, my journey won't be over.
I guess I just want to find other things to make myself feel good other than a guys approval. Today I got an email from the college saying registration is open soon for summer semester. So that at least is something to look forward to.
I spoke to my mom today. She's in Florida for vacation. I kind of just wanted to say, 'Ma I'm sad, make me feel better'. But I didn't.
I'm Miss Independent. I wrote a whole Valentine's day post about not needing a man:
Walking home from work today, some guy said to me, "Hello, how are you? Do you need a man?". There are unsavory characters in the area near my office. Stare straight ahead and keep walking. Repeat silently over and over, 'please don't follow me, please don't follow me'.
Um, no. I don't need a man. Particularly, I don't need you.
I'm not trying to fool myself. Yes, eventually I will meet a great guy and get married. Someday. But I don't need a man. I am learning more about myself each day, and what it takes to be the strong confident woman I know I am meant to be.
I don't need a man to be me. I am learning how to be me on my own. How to be the best me that I can be. And when I do G-d willing find the person I will spend my life with, we will be two complete wholes joining together as one.
But tonight I'm feeling kind of lonely, and like, maybe I need a man after all.