Last night, I went and visited with some of my mom's friends. They are great women and are always a great time. When I walked in, they both said "Look at you skinny mini!" And ranted about how great I looked.
Now, I've never really been one for compliments. Back when I was 275 pounds, it was because my self-esteem was so low and my self-image so negative that I thought they were saying whatever they were saying to try and make me feel better. That I couldn't possibly deserve their praise.
And even now, I still have a hard time accepting these compliments. My mother's friends both thought I was at goal weight and were shocked when I said I was around 185 currently, the same weight I've been for almost a year and a half. And they were simply shocked, thinking I was much lower than that and couldn't believe I still want to lose 40 more pounds.
And I've written so many blogs about this situation, but I just don't know when it will finally click for me that I'm no longer that 275 pound girl that I once was. I see her every now and again when I have a minor pig out. But the fact that I start the next day anew with a new effort to stay on track and exercise should prove to me that I've changed so much since then. I need to believe that I'm worthy of these comments and compliments.
I've never really thought I was a beautiful girl, and that's probably because I grew up in the 90's and 2000s and we all know the media has completely changed and defined beauty in an unrealistic way. This isn't meant to be a "woe is me" blog that leads to a bunch of comments telling me how pretty I am, so please know that is unnecessary. I've just never really been satisfied with how I look and maybe that is just the plight of the woman these days. Maybe we will never be satisfied no matter what size, shape, weight, hair color, etc. just because we are trying to achieve an unachievable perfection.
Maybe I need to find a self-help book. Or talk to a counselor about how to reset my mind and the way I think about myself. I've already started to value myself more. I would have never dedicated myself to this journey of health if I didn't realize I was worth it. But I just need more positivity and happiness with who I am right now, and less worry about who I'm still trying to be.
But when I opened my email this morning, I found my professional headshot that was taken for my new job. And a huge smile came across my face, because I just thought I looked great. No asterisks or disclaimers, I took an awesome picture and like how I look. I've grown to appreciate my chubby cheeks and dimples as just part of being me. And I'm so thankful to be able to take normal pictures and be pleased with the results.
Keep smiling Sparkfriends!