I had a very pensive week.
Let's just say that I was in a better place, but not quite sure how to continue to hold on to it.
It started with a bucket list.
It started with a bucket list, because when I sat down to really think about it, I realized that life can be what I make it. I can do ANYTHING.
I DON'T HAVE TO SUCCUMB TO DISAPPOINTMENT.
I have never wanted, nor dreamed of, a typical life. For some, it is their dream: a house, family close by, raising children. I mean yeah, I want that. But I don't want it the way most people do. Just like I didn't want a classic wedding. I never dreamed of a beautiful dress. Honestly, I never even thought I'd get married. If it wasn't for DH, I'm pretty certain I'd be unattached (oh, and about kids - I would have adopted and still plan to!). I've never dreamed of a white picket fence, either. For the people who want that? It's awesome. No judgement here. Ironically, it's kind of what I have. But I want to change that.
What I truly, honestly want in the deepest depths of my heart:
1) to travel
2) to be spontaneous and to feel like life is an adventure
3) to have good changes in my life (I don't want to live in the same town and work at the same clinic for the next 40 years)
4) I want to live in unexpected places (maybe not for good, but for a few months at a time?)
5) to wake up every morning and enjoy every breath that I take
I spend so much time worrying.
Will I ever have kids?
Will I ever find a place to work where I'm 100% happy?
Will I ever get to my goal weight?
Will I ever feel competent?
We use negative self-talk because it is easier to JUST BE infertile, not good enough, not smart enough, lazy, ugly, fat and too weak. Being the person who has given up is easier than being the person who fights for what they want.
I've been playing the victim. Poor me. Everyone else is having babies but me. I'm infertile (not that any doctor has told me that). Everyone else can eat what they want but me. Everyone else can buy the clothes that they want but me. Everyone else goes on vacations but me.
I want to be a mom. I want to be fit. I want to be happy. I want to travel. I want to feel fulfilled.
I keep looking around for someone to give that to me and all I see is my own face staring back, because it is all up to me.
Not only can I not let my doubts and fears keep me from living, I have to take control of my life and make things happen *for* me instead of waiting for them to happen *to* me.
Life may never be what I expected it to be:
- I may never have my own, biological baby, but I can still be a mom.
- I may never be the jet-setter I want to be, but I can still travel and see new places.
- I may never be 100% happy where I work, but I can still feel fulfilled and be proud of the fact that not only did I have a dream as a kid, but I accomplished it. The life of a general practice Veterinarian may not be what I expected it to be, but the beauty of this career is that it is also my passion and I can *make* it anything I want it to be.
I MAY NEVER CROSS EVERYTHING OFF OF MY BUCKET LIST, BUT I'LL NEVER HAVE TO SAY I DIDN'T TRY.
I MAY NEVER HAVE EVERYTHING I DREAM OF, BUT I CAN'T LET THAT STOP ME FROM LIVING...BUT IF I DON'T AT LEAST KEEP HOPE, WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?
Here is my bucket list with DH...we've just started it, so it isn't very long.