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I can't let it stop me from living

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I had a very pensive week.

Let's just say that I was in a better place, but not quite sure how to continue to hold on to it.

It started with a bucket list.

It started with a bucket list, because when I sat down to really think about it, I realized that life can be what I make it. I can do ANYTHING.


I have never wanted, nor dreamed of, a typical life. For some, it is their dream: a house, family close by, raising children. I mean yeah, I want that. But I don't want it the way most people do. Just like I didn't want a classic wedding. I never dreamed of a beautiful dress. Honestly, I never even thought I'd get married. If it wasn't for DH, I'm pretty certain I'd be unattached (oh, and about kids - I would have adopted and still plan to!). I've never dreamed of a white picket fence, either. For the people who want that? It's awesome. No judgement here. Ironically, it's kind of what I have. But I want to change that.

What I truly, honestly want in the deepest depths of my heart:
1) to travel
2) to be spontaneous and to feel like life is an adventure
3) to have good changes in my life (I don't want to live in the same town and work at the same clinic for the next 40 years)
4) I want to live in unexpected places (maybe not for good, but for a few months at a time?)
5) to wake up every morning and enjoy every breath that I take

I spend so much time worrying.

Will I ever have kids?

Will I ever find a place to work where I'm 100% happy?

Will I ever get to my goal weight?

Will I ever feel competent?

We use negative self-talk because it is easier to JUST BE infertile, not good enough, not smart enough, lazy, ugly, fat and too weak. Being the person who has given up is easier than being the person who fights for what they want.

I've been playing the victim. Poor me. Everyone else is having babies but me. I'm infertile (not that any doctor has told me that). Everyone else can eat what they want but me. Everyone else can buy the clothes that they want but me. Everyone else goes on vacations but me.

I want to be a mom. I want to be fit. I want to be happy. I want to travel. I want to feel fulfilled.

I keep looking around for someone to give that to me and all I see is my own face staring back, because it is all up to me.

Not only can I not let my doubts and fears keep me from living, I have to take control of my life and make things happen *for* me instead of waiting for them to happen *to* me.

Life may never be what I expected it to be:
- I may never have my own, biological baby, but I can still be a mom.
- I may never be the jet-setter I want to be, but I can still travel and see new places.
- I may never be 100% happy where I work, but I can still feel fulfilled and be proud of the fact that not only did I have a dream as a kid, but I accomplished it. The life of a general practice Veterinarian may not be what I expected it to be, but the beauty of this career is that it is also my passion and I can *make* it anything I want it to be.



Here is my bucket list with DH...we've just started it, so it isn't very long.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HPEFUL25
    I see so many similarities in what you want and what I want that it makes me feel less alone. I'm not ready for babies just yet, but part of that is because I work at a daycare and take care of 4 babies every day. I do want kids though. It seems everyone around me is having them, and sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not ready for a baby yet. I have been married long enough and I am at the age that many people begin having a family, but I'm not ready from a financial stand point.

    I want to travel and live in a new place too, I feel like where I live right now I can't grow. Part of the reason I feel that way is because there is no need for an ESL teacher in my area, which is what I have my degree in. My husband and I are pursuing an opportunity to teach in South Korea for a year in August. I have been saying that I want to live somewhere different since I was a teenager and now I am in the process of making that happen. It is a very slow and frustrating process, but I am hoping it will all be worth it to live on the other side of the world. I didn't think I would ever be able to just pick up and move somewhere, but lately I feel like there is no way I could not do it.

    All of this to say you are not alone in your frustrations and it is nice to see that I am not alone either. ;)

    940 days ago
    We have more in common. I never intended to get married. I planned on going to college and having a career. Living in Florida. My mom found it upsetting. When I did get married the first time I eloped so mom was very upset. Her dreams of the white dress went up in smoke. I didn't really want any kids and was told I might not be able to have them due to trauma when I was in an accident at 15. I wasn't using birth control most of my marriage until the end and didn't get pregnant so we kind of figured it was true. I didn't have a wedding on the second marriage either and we didn't intend to have kids until my doctor told me at 31 that if I were going to try ot have kids it would have to be then, no waiting, as I was high risk. Benny and I talked and to our surprise we did not want to never have a child if we could have one. I miscarried the first one and had lots of problems with the second and had a preemie at Barnes but he made it. My doctor said to me. "No more kids!!!"

    I kind of have different taste in practically everything. The white picket fence doesn't interest me nor the typical brick/stone/vinyl sided beige cookie cutter house just like the one next door and the other 100 in the subdivision. While everyone else wants beige and white everything and cherry/maple/white cabinets those don't appeal to me at all. Not into modern.

    I probably would have traveled too but kids tend to tie you down so we put down roots. I loved both of your bucket lists and hope that you start knocking some of these off before you have a baby. Much easier to do places like Yellowstone without a baby.

    On a note of interest- my hubby's grand adventure occurred when he was 17. He and 2 friends went out west to Gardiner. Montana - one of the entrances to Yellowstone National Park. It's a tiny place. He got a job as a ranch hand working alone on the upper ranch on the side of a mountain, accessible only by sled. It was a fascinating experience. If he had known me then he might have stayed there but, to be honest, I would never live in a place like that. LOL.
    945 days ago
  • THESB25
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog post. I needed to hear those written words! I have to have accountability, but it takes ME to make a difference. I nearly the same concerns as you:
    Will I ever lose the weight, will I ever have children, will I ever be happy where I'm working...all very familiar to me.

    Thank you for sharing!!! I really needed the support you probably unknowingly gave with this post.
    945 days ago
    Looks like you need to go hang out with Phebess on her awesome adventure! It's so interesting how some ppl wanna stay so still and others can't handle it. My dad never wanted to stop working at his practice, it was so important to him to work til he died. I can't handle doing any one thing too much or I start panicking. You will get to your goals, might take a bee line but you will get there.
    945 days ago
    YAY! Absolutely!!!! You can make your life into whatever you want it to be - or rather, whatever you and your DH want it to be. Some of it is the actions you take, some of it is the attitude you make - but you can do it!

    And think about being a vet in, oh, St. Thomas! Really, you can be a vet anywhere!! (You can scuba dive there, too!)
    946 days ago
    Great bucket list and blog, Eddy. I can relate to a lot of that.

    Thank you for sharing! Also, great picture of you and your dh! Very sweet!
    946 days ago
    Great blog!
    946 days ago
    Awesome! You have grown!

    946 days ago
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