Sunday, February 23, 2014
How do you stop planning your life, and start living it?
I feel like SO much of my life is spent in a planning stage. I have lived in my brand-new home for nearly six years, and I haven't done any landscaping whatsoever. It still has absolutely nothing...yet I have a board on Pinterest with 500 pins...of flowers, outdoor furniture, garden paths, etc...all kinds of things I would LOVE to do with the outside of my home. I would love it if the outside of my home looked like that board. Instead, I do nothing, because I'm afraid it won't look right, or something will die and then my efforts will be wasted. One year my husband gave me an absolutely GORGEOUS Dolly Parton rose bush for Mother's Day...but it ended up dying because I couldn't decide where I wanted to put it :(
I'm the same about my health, fitness, and weight loss. I plan and think and obsess over what I want...but I never make it happen. I read all kinds of things, watch shows about health and weight loss, etc. But I'm heavier and more out-of-shape than I've ever been in my life.
I'm reminded of that song by the Everly Brothers, "All I Have to do is Dream..." in particular that line, "Only trouble is, gee whiz, I'm dreaming my life away..." I think about that all the time. I have for years...because that's what I do.
2013 was a year of extreme loss and stress for me. 2014 hasn't been any better so far. The past couple of weeks have been hard. We took in a stray dog who was very sick. Despite vet care, medicine, rest and love, he didn't make it. It broke my already broken heart. Add stress at work, stress with in-laws, and a very busy schedule, I cry almost every day. I hold it in all day but I just fall apart when I get home. I'm pretty introverted anyway, so having to be "on" when you're out in the real word is exhausting enough. But I'm a teacher, and I have to be "on" for my kids and their parents and my co-workers and my supervisors. I just have a lot on my shoulders right now, and I feel like it's getting the better of me and I really don't want that to happen. I want to LIVE. I want to live my life. The worst part of this is that my poor, sweet, innocent family (that seems to be one of the few bright spots in my life right now!) gets the stressed, sad, falling apart version of me. They are lovely, but I absolutely HATE subjecting them to this version of me.
But HOW? How do you live life more fully? When obligation and stress and responsibilities seem to have completely engulfed every aspect of your life, how is there room for anything else? How do you make room for hobbies or exercising or for the exploration of your Self. I so desperately want to rediscover myself...I just don't know where to begin.