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I'm F.I.N.E.

Sunday, February 23, 2014


Yep, that's me, I'm FINE...

Frustrated... with weight gain, binge eating, lack of exercise and my bad attitude about all of it. I have no one to blame but myself.

Insecure... about my body. I haven't felt this bad about myself... ever. My clothes don't fit right, I had to buy jeans and dress pants that are 2 sizes bigger than I've been wearing for the last year and a half.

Neurotic... about things going on in my personal life. It's been a big cause of the weight gain, which stresses me out even more, which leads to more binge eating... yeah, you get it.

Emotional and exhausted... about all of it. It's an ugly cycle, and I'm trying to break it.

I have a plan. I know, I ALWAYS have a plan, but I feel like if I don't *plan* to fix it, I'll just get worse. I can't promise that I'll stick with the plan, but I have to have one. My SiL and I have devised a food and exercise plan for the next 6 weeks, and we're going to do it together. Six weeks will get me to the first weekend of April and hopefully some good weather. Six weeks is long enough to make a difference, but not too long that it's overwhelming me.

I know you're all tired of hearing me complain and probably wondering why I just don't STOP all the nonsense! I'm wondering that myself. I thought I had gotten past emotional eating, eating when I'm bored, and eating out of frustration...

I guess I'll always be the fat girl inside, no matter who much my physical body shrinks. I'll always have those mental demons to fight. My friend ADVENTURSEEKER told me that I may not be able to control things going on around me, but I can control the food I put in my mouth. She's absolutely right!

I need to get it under control, and I WILL get it under control... I do NOT want to be HER...

I want to be ME!

I want to be happy again. I want to be healthy again. I want to be proud of myself again.
And I will be.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRADMILL2922
    No matter what, you will not be her again. The old Holly is gone and the new one is here. Live in this present moment and remember the work that you did to get to this present moment. This bump in the road (and that is all it is) will pass. You have a plan. You have always had a plan or you wouldn't have gotten to be "ME" when you did! You are fine but I would describe you with two different F words...FRIEND & FIGHTER!

    emoticon emoticon
    1446 days ago
    I am here for you!!! We need to get together before DG. I miss you girls. I'm getting back on this wagon with you. We can do it! We will do it!!!!!!
    I am completely here for you. Text me if you need a shoulder. Love you!
    1446 days ago
    All, that happens on this journey, I wrote a blog about my weight gain back in January and I'm still pushing girl, just like I know you will.

    I'm here for you Holly, I believe in you and I know you can and will do it.

    1447 days ago
  • PATIB13
    Holly, you are such an inspiration and even during the months I have not been on here I have often thought of you and the other spark friends I had here. You have done something many have not done and I am sure there is a lot going on that factor into the FINE feelings you are having. You can do this and your can be FINE (Fit, In control, Not giving up, Enduring) because you have done and that is how you know you can do it again. It's one step each and every day, it's moving forward when we want to stop and eat the whole box of ice cream, it's knowing that you have come along way and the feeling is so worth it.

    You are so worth it Holly and know that so many people out there, including myself, have been touched by your kind words and your awesome journey.
    1448 days ago
    I hear you and I can relate. Please hang in there and fight for you! You'll get through this.
    1452 days ago
  • ALOFA0509
    Girl Your on it!!!! U got this- emoticon
    1453 days ago
    I feel so incredibly bad for you, Holly :( Sorry you have been going through some rough times. I hope that partnering with your SiL helps you see get past the junk that is pulling you down.

    But one thing -- I am not "tired of hearing you complain." I appreciate your honesty about how hard it is (even after achieving as much as you have) and how you are showing trust in the SP community to offer support. That's what we are here for, right? I know it's why I haven't totally given up, even though (after more than 1.5 years) I have barely begun the physical changes.

    Supporting you in your journey!
    1453 days ago
    I love you Hol'. I understand. I didn't get it either. Why if I had come so far...felt so good...worked so hard....lived again!? I can't answer that. I don't know where to find the motivation. All I do know for sure...

    You don't want to go back. This isn't living. If I could only snap my fingers. Maybe I needed to be reminded that this is not where I want to be. After all, I also had a hard time adjusting to such big changes. No matter the size, I still wasn't content. After the loss, I still had more to go. As I lost, the body shrank, but it stil looked gross... Still wanted to cover myself up. (No matter the loss).

    There's no magic number. There special time frame. No secret method. It's all about finding your way... To loving yourself. To being healthy.

    I remember literally watching the weight come back. (Defeated) I don't know when I stopped stepping on the scale, but when I decided to hop on one day..."error". I never stopped caring. I wake everyday and think about it as I surpass the clothes I cant fit into in my closet. Think about it as I pant walking across campus, taking a breather before entering class to sit at my "special" (handicapped) desk.

    Why did I allow this? I can't answer that. Maybe it was stress, life's obstacles, not enough support... I don't know. I'll get back in the swing of things... I'm trying. I have to learn better coping skills, because mine are usualy... Throw in the towel! Eat some sh!t!

    don't look back...only look ahead. Can't get back tomorrow, but you can do something today! The more you let the setback get to you, the harder moving forward will be.

    You got this!! You've cleared supermarket shelves Hol'! (How many lbs per can of chef boyardi?! We're not built to be grocery clerks. We are friggin Social Workers!! Got all the tools! (Just need to apply it all to ourselves!)

    It's life! There will be setbacks. It's learning from them that matters. It's knowing you can move mountains, but kicking stones sometimes may be good enough for the day. You're here. That in itself is a commitment! You've made AMAZING progress!! Knowing that you've accomplished so much, even if the roller coaster takes you for a ride will be important in moving forward. It comes off!! Takes work, but doesn't everything we want bad enough?!

    I'm here with ya sistah! I just couldn't help but respond. I wanted to scream NOOOOO!! It's ok Hol! Keep going! Don't look back! ❤️
    1453 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/26/2014 6:34:47 AM
  • STAY39
    It's so hard to hang on tight to this roller coaster of a journey. I am sorry you have been in a rough spot. I have total faith in you that you can push on through it! And you will be even stronger for it! We are all cheering for you! emoticon
    1454 days ago
    Holly, Love You Girl! I sense you've lost your motivation. Try to "fake it until you make it." One day, one hour, one minute at a time if necessary! You've done this before -- WHY did you want to do it? Can you reconnect with those feelings?

    If not, maybe you need to feel good about where you're at. There's your "lowest ACHIEVABLE weight" which is different from your "lowest SUSTAINABLE weight." You are doing great. You are an awesome woman. You are an inspiration to many.
    1454 days ago
  • KONRAD695
    WOW! After reading what many others said, there is not much for me to add. I can say this. You have come a long ways from your starting point. Now you had a little hick-up, and that happens. I have full confidence you will point it in the right direction and get it moving again. Looking forward to reading your progress blogs.
    emoticon Konrad
    1454 days ago

    Think about dividing the six weeks of your plan into smaller increments. I know that when I'm stressed it can be overwhelming to plan a long ways out. Sometimes it's good just to plan for the day. When that day is done, plan for the next day. Those days will add up quicker than you know. Be kind to yourself and care for yourself.
    1455 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    My dearest friend,

    You are HUMAN and life happens. As much as we want to we cannot be Superwoman all of the time (even though we’d love to). Emotional eating is 1 of the hardest habits to break if that was your main source of comfort and an outlet for your negative feelings (it is for me). LOOK AT WHERE YOU’VE COME FROM. You are an inspiration to so many, including myself. You are PROOF that it CAN be done. You are a miracle. Your struggle is only temporary, you WILL get back to where you’d like to be. Take it from someone who has gained around 40-50lbs back of the original 100 she lost, you are amazing and such a wonderful person.
    Please know your REAL friends here on Spark will never tire of supporting you or hearing you complain. Ever. We both know that if you don’t take care of the emotional issues, they’ll always come back to haunt. Try working on WHY you’re overeating, WHY you’re binging and take steps to correct whatever needs to be corrected. It may take you a while, but I think in the end you’ll be glad you made an effort to fix your emotional eating.

    I wish you the very best in your 6 week plan. If you need anything please do not hesitate to ask.
    Love you,

    1455 days ago
    Awwwwwwwww hon... first of all you are a genius because that acronym is so clever! Second of all, we all go through phases where life gets challenging. Be gentle towards yourself! But also remember to put yourself first when you can, and your health is definitely part of that! Knowing where you WANT to go is the first step in the right direction. You can do it! You are fabulous!!!!!!
    1455 days ago
    Maybe you have already, but have you considered revisiting your journey...you posted a few pictures, but maybe take some time to read your blogs and any other journal's you may have kept about your SUCCESS in the past and your motivation. If you can't change the issues that are stressing you maybe talk to someone about how you can better deal/accept them. It could be the weather too!! Worst winter since I was a child 35-40 years ago. I bought my son a SAD light because he seemed to be struggling over the winter.
    1455 days ago
    Girl, we've all been there OR are there right now. I'm like you...i PLAN no matter what. Without a plan i get further away from my goals. Keep your head high and review your plan often. You know what you need to do.
    1455 days ago
    Oh Holly I am FINE too. maybe not for the same reasons but FINE all the same. I am proud of you for putting it out there and getting it off of your chest. Now that you have your plan laid out- take it day by day and April will be here before you know it. I agree, personal stuff going out affects us no matter how hard we try not to let it.

    I've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a couple of days now and I think I am going to go blog it AND write it down so I have a concrete roadmap. I was just going to do a month plan, but am going to stretch it out to 6 weeks to journey with you. emoticon emoticon
    1455 days ago
    I want to be there with you chickie!! Hugs!
    1455 days ago
    I like the 6 week plan and I like that your SIL is doing it with you. Everyone gets off track, everyone gets upset. We have had a lifetime using these coping ,mechanisms..it is NATURAL to go back to those techniques...please don't beat yourself up. One day at a time. I love you. Don't forget your my hero. Even if you don't feel like it. You are,
    1456 days ago
    emoticon I sooooo understand how you feel. I'm active, but my nutrition is a hot hot mess, which leaves me basically treading water in the weight loss pool. I think it's so great that you have your SIL there so you guys can support each other! You'll get it back, I completely believe in you!
    1456 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Holly, I didn't even recognize you in the first two pictures! You are doing an amazing job on your journey. You're not giving up so don't be so hard on yourself!! emoticon emoticon
    1456 days ago
    Your strategy seems pretty doable, Holly. Of course you can correct this blip. And along the way a little reflection perhaps on how you could catch yourself next time you are tempted to get off the pony.
    And if it seems like you can,'t work that out by yourself, get some help with addressing whatever you need to address. Then if you start to slide too far again, you have already got your safety net in place.

    But, uh, if you don,t mind me saying, you seem to be very eager to be down on yourself. What happened that was so bad? You let old habits have some rein, and got what you would expect from eating and exercising that old way. That is what got you fat in the past isn,t it? What,s the big surprise? You,ve been silly. Of course your old habits will try to reassert themselves. And you can,t be vigilant every single second, especially when you haven't thoroughly embedded your new improved coping strateges.
    But you have caught onto yourself and you are dealing. Will you know better next time? Will you do differently next time? Are you not still 100lbs lighter than before you first started? So you have maintained a huge weight loss for how long?
    So why are you being so mean to yourself? Is this helping? Or is this part of what got you fat in the first place?
    Just asking....
    1456 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/23/2014 9:23:39 PM
    Holly, hang in there! I am slowly coming out of where you are right now. I had hip problems for almost SIX months and my exercise all but stopped. I gained 30 pounds and was out of control. I started the weight loss program at my new job and am finally going down again. I was frustrated, mad at myself and feeling very alone. It's wonderful that you are reaching out to us here at Sparkpeople. We are all here for you! HUGS!
    1456 days ago
    Holly, I am proud of you for putting it all out there. I know when I lost a lot of weight, I still saw the fat me. And when I got hit in the face with life still being the same (or worse) in spite of my weight loss, I let all the garbage get to me and I gained almost all of it back. But I was never as honest about what was happening as you are here. Keep venting, complaining, whatever you want to do! It is a step in the right direction.
    1456 days ago
    Oh sweet Holly. You are fine in the most positive sense. Now honestly I'm not where you are and I haven't lived through the circumstances you are living through and life can be very hard. What I do know is that you are an overcomer and a true inspiration to many sparkpeople. What I mean by that is that we don't expect you to be perfect we find our inspiration through your honesty and your tenacity to fight on when it would be easier to quit. Your friend is right...you control what falls into your mouth and you will get there if not today, tomorrow, or the next day because it's not in you to stop until you have reached the goal you have for yourself. Fight, fight, fight!!! You are worth it. emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1456 days ago
    Your physical transformation is incredible. You need it work on your internal transformation now. You know how to lose the pounds but you do need to lose the mental weight as well. Please look at how far you've come and give yourself a pat on the back. You are a strong and determined woman, you will get there. I'm sure of it.
    1456 days ago
    Hang in there Holly! I'm in the same place, have been for quite a while....your plan sounds like a good one. And know that you are not alone!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1456 days ago
    Oh, Holly, I've been where you are many times in the past and feel your pain and frustration. Be gentle with yourself and try to take everything one day at a time, doing the best you can each individual day. Tough times come, but the good thing is that they do eventually pass. Hang in there and if there's ever anything I can do to help you out, please don't hesitate to ask me. I'm here for you!
    1456 days ago
  • KELAN5
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1456 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Coach Nicole talked about getting back on track today in Spark Coach. The Spark articles on getting back on track are spot on.
    1456 days ago
    I dont' care what anyone says - stuff going on in our personal lives can affect us like nothing else can. It's bad. Bad bad bad. I hope whatever it is that you're dealing with will get better and soon Holly. I think a six-week plan is a great idea.
    1456 days ago
  • PEGGY11
    Yes you can emoticon . Don't go back to that dark place after being in the sun. emoticon
    1456 days ago
  • GABY1948
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1456 days ago
    In control
    1456 days ago

    Holly. I want you to stop and remember how hard you worked to get to your goal. You worked your butt off, literally. SO, CONTINUE to be proud of yourself. You are NOT a failure. You are having a hard stretch right now and your motivation has slipped but you have NEVER QUIT. You are aware that this is a lifetime journey and losing weight does NOT fix everything, In fact, it places even more pressure on you. SO cut yourself some slack. You are human. How weird is that? You need to choose 1 small goal to work on regarding your eating. Remember babysteps? Time to dust them off and bring them out again. WHat goes around, comes around. I know that you will work all this out. There are stressful times in all our lives and we do the best we can. Interestingly, we are NOT perfect, ever. I know you and SIL are working together but remind yourself of the little steps that get you to a better place, mind and body. SLow down and smell the roses and enjoy this journey. It is one you will live with for the rest of your life.
    You ARE a winner and perfection is an ideal but a poor ideal.

    Gini emoticon
    1456 days ago
    I hear ya, girl! We have to have that strong desire to do it! To really do it again! It's so easy to let things slide, especially at a time when there's stress all around us. Believe me, I know. We need to go back to the beginning and remember what we did then. I remember doing 10 min. walks and that just about did me in! emoticon I remember cutting out all pasta and other simple carbs and getting a lot of the 100 cal. packs of things I loved and felt that I couldn't do without. I ate a lot more veggies and fruit and yogurt. I know what to do, it's just a matter of getting that desire back. I need to think of why my precious sister passed away. That's what scared me into submission!! She didn't take care of herself and she got Type 2 Diabetes and her quality of life left her rather quickly. I watched this all happen! It was so scary and I don't want to go through that! So little by little, we can do it again. Ya, we can, you can, I can! emoticon emoticon
    1456 days ago
    It is so terribly hard to be at that point where we gain some back, to be at that F.I.N.E. point. So hard. It's like the point where you began it all- you have to get there again. Something inside has to click or change, or you have to force yourself you start the healthy eating again. We can lose weight strictly on calorie restriction alone, but the endorphins gained through exercise will help with the positive mood.

    It's worth remembering (and something I have to remind myself of often): I may not be able to control things going on around me, but I can control the food I put in my mouth.

    Big hugs. You've got this!

    1456 days ago
    Your plan sounds like a good place to start. Sometimes when life gets too stressful and overwhelming, it's a good time to refocus on ourselves. We all need those moments when we regroup and remember that we are IMPORTANT even while this crazy thing called life swirls around us. You've got this!!
    1456 days ago
    1456 days ago
    Dream big....you can do anything if you really want to....you have a plan....go for it...we are all here for you. Wishing you all the best. emoticon
    1456 days ago
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