Saturday, February 22, 2014
Hello Spark friends. A huge thank you for all of the kind thoughts about the passing of my mom. It warmed my heart more than you know.
In my last blog, I wrote how she was improving when I left her Thursday evening. She was responsive after two days of being unresponsive and she was beginning to be mean to my dad. She has had many hospital stays and it was always the same pattern, she'd start treating my dad terrible and we knew she was on the road to recovery.
No matter what she said or did, he stayed at her side 24/7 every time she was in the hospital. She has sundowners so nights were painful with her. She doesn't sleep and tends to get a bit delusional and wicked. The only time he'd leave for the night was if she was in ICU and they made him go home. You would think he would be relieved but he was never happy about that.
I left there Thursday convinced we were following the same pattern and wondering yet again how he puts up with that. She had him call me shortly after I got home so she could tell me that my two sisters need to loose weight or they are going to suffer like she has. That 30 seconds was the last conversation with my mom.
Friday morning at 5am, my dad called that they had to intubate her and they had just called a code blue. We raced to the hospital, convinced he was confused that maybe they had called a code for a different room but no, I got there in time to see her room full of medical personnel and a nurse on the bed pushing on her chest.
The chaplain pulled us aside to tell us they are doing what they can but it wasn't going to help. They began to call another code and my dad and I told them to stop. I felt like the world was crashing. Everything became surreal. What did I just do?!
My sisters got there shortly after she passed. They were paralyzed in the hallway and quickly fell apart. I went into mother mode. I felt like I had to take care of everyone that was there, speak to the nurses and doctors, wait with my sisters for the transporters to take mom. Leaving the hospital room was tough! My son was wonderful, took me by the shoulders and said we shouldn't remember her like that. I was so proud of him.
My husband took my kids and I to dinner later and it all came crashing down on me. I couldn't hear their conversations anymore and my eyes filled quickly. I excused myself and lost it in the bathroom. My daughter followed me and was as calm and reassuring as I have ever seen her. I was so proud of my children yesterday.
I still have a lot to take care of. The memorial service is Tuesday evening. I've never arranged one before so I'm trying to make sure everything is covered and keep checking on my dad. I still can't grasp that this is happening. My mom ruled the roost, she was in charge for so long that I can't comprehend how life will go on. We had a challenging relationship so I'm a little discombobulated.
I've lost some of my Spark but I'm still trying to work it. I took the dog for a walk today. The sun was bright for a little while and it felt good to breathe for a bit. I promise to catch up with everyone soon.
Thank you very very much!