Thursday, February 20, 2014
I was feeling pretty good the last few days but today and yesterday I've been more lethargic again. The night before last my 3 year old had a terrible stomach ache and woke up every few minutes most of the time in pain. It was pretty distressing and affected my sleep, obviously. And then I stayed home with her yesterday and she had a few hours of pain and vomiting in the afternoon. I know it was a stomach bug, it was going around her school but I think the stress of it took a toll on me. I just can't handle any kind of stress anymore. I completely shut down and I get very tired. I also didn't eat very well. Although I stayed "paleo", I was having major cravings. So I made some paleo muffins and ate like 4 of them.
Probably the fatigue is a combination of too much (unrefined) sugar, the stress of my child, the fact that I'm probably withdrawing from the junk I was eating, and also my period is like 2 days away. I tell myself that to try not to get too frustrated, but I am frustrated.
On top of that - I'm having a lot of anxiety. I spend endless amounts of time researching food and homeopathic solutions to my issues and its such a rabbit hole. I definitely have that form of an eating disorder where you're obsessed with healthy food - orthoexia. The more I research, the more my head spins. There's barely any food left that I feel completely confident in being "ok" to eat and even food groups that are "ok" like vegetables - have limitations like conventionally raised, FODMAPS and night shades. And anyone who tries to tell me about moderation gets brushed off because clearly they just don't know as much or have read as much as I have. And I'm truly not meaning to be critical. That's just the process my mind goes through. I'm not sure anyone has the ability to "talk me off the ledge." I think it's something I have to work through myself. But it is difficult. I'm hoping that taking things in stages will help take some of the pressure off. Like this month is just about establishing good habits, not about nit-picking or isolating any food beyond what's not included in standard paleo. And then next month, I can try eliminating some things like FODMAPS for example and see if there's any improvement there.
But the thought of further restricting, even if only on an experimental basis, is so depressing. So I guess that's why feeling fatigued is frustrating. I need to try to stay in the moment more and not get too ahead of myself.
The other thing that's making me anxious is my kids - mainly my son. The two of them together are really trying. They bicker and do things to provoke each other and will not leave each other alone. And my son, who is 5, throws these giant fits every time he gets in trouble for something. If I tell him to go to his room because he didn't listen or whatever, he stomps in there crying and wailing and slams the door and kicks the walls and throws things. He is always cranky which has always seemed to me to be a result of being overtired but I'm noticing more and more that its ALWAYS that way. He goes to bed at 7. He may lay there for 30 min to an hour before he falls asleep. He wakes up at 630 on his own and he won't take a nap at school. He gets in trouble every day for not listening or throwing fits. Everyday, when his dad picks them up, he throws a fit if they can't go to to the playground OR if they do go, he throws a fit when they leave. He screams and wails at the top of his lungs all the way to the car. Every. Single. Day. and then we get home and he and his sister start. Either they fight with each other or if they are playing together, its wrestling or running or something where someone gets hurt and then the other one gets mad and lashes out and it turns into this whole episode. Then we have dinner and they bicker the whole time and whine because they don't like the food. Then shortly after that it's bed time and my son usually throws a fit because he doesn't want to go to bed or brush his teeth. It seems like the whole day is just one tantrum after another and my husband and I are both so worn down from it. I find myself being less and less consistent with them, even though i know that's only going to make things worse, but i just physically do not have the energy to put up a fight. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out, first of all, is this normal parenthood and I'm just unable to roll with it as well as other people? And if it's not, what is my son's issue? Is it just his personality? he seems unhappy so much of the time, unless he's getting one on one attention and everything is going his way. Does he have mental illness? Now im wondering if it could be a food intolerance? i recently read an article about how one of the signs of food intolerance in children is dark circles under their eyes. I've been saying to my husband for months, maybe longer, that i dont think he's getting enough sleep. 1 - because he always seems an overtired kind of cranky and 2 because he always has dark circles. I definitely want to transition my kids to a more paleo way of eating, but the thought of doing it right now when I personally have so much going on that I'm trying to get on top of, is so overwhelming. I made an appointment with an allergist. I dont have much hope for it. My insurance is so crappy. I've spent so much money on doctors trying to get to the bottom of whats wrong with me and most of the protocol i follow is what i researched and found myself. So racking up yet another unpaid medical bill and getting nowhere.... I'm not too excited about it. It's crazy, i can feel the tension I'm holding in my shoulders as I type this.
Anyway, that's just where I'm at today. I'm probably just feeling overwhelmed from pms. But i do wish i knew what direction to move in with my kids. i feel so lost when it comes to parenting.
At least I've not caved and gone for junk food. I haven't been doing too well with tracking. I'm just making journal entries because trying to enter it all into the food tracker is still too much for my brain to handle at this point. I LOATHE trying to figure out portion sizes.