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A whole lot of thoughts...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

SparkPeople: I love you. I feel like I'm slowly and steadily building a network here and I'm enjoying the socializing, especially since I am avoiding Facebook like the plague. I seem to have more in common with most of you than with 99% of the people on my Facebook page. I also have Google+, but can't quite seem to get into it. I think SparkPeople is the perfect replacement. So, thank you!

Friends: I don't know. Ever since the blow-up with my "best friend" (I'll call her B), I'm not sure what to do. I put best friend in quotation marks only because I think she's my BF by proxy. She's the only friend I have that I talk to regularly who isn't also a work colleague. Other than B, the only other friend I talk to regularly is L, and she's at an internship in Washington D.C. Ironically, B and L do not like each other. At all. If I had to make a choice, I'd go with L. She's a total nerd like me. She isn't overbearing. She doesn't need me to call her 5 times a week. I remember having dinner with her a few months ago when she was visiting and she said "I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but C is having another baby". I said, "Oh, I figured...let's not talk about it" and she just laughed and said "I understand" and completely changed the subject.

With B, that conversation would have turned into a huge fight because she would have gotten mean about it and judgmental and it would have turned into a big deal. The honest-to-goodness truth is: I don't really like B all that much and I think we're friends because we got thrown together and that's it. Otherwise, I really don't think I would have picked her for a friend given the choice. We met at the Wildlife Safari before going to vet school and stayed in touch, then became the obvious little click in school with 2-3 other girls (I say 2-3 because one started in our click and got booted and the other took her place, you could say). Vet school is so much like high school. The click situation is for real there - everybody gets into these little groups for Gross Anatomy in the first year and those groups tended to just stay that way even outside of class, since we spent 24 hours a day with each other. So it wasn't like I could decide I wanted to be friends with another group instead...that first year in anatomy class kind of determined the clicks for the next 3 years. Point being, we were thrown together and it is quite an unnatural pairing. We should seriously not be friends. Yes, I think she feels the same way as I do. She's commented before that she isn't sure why we're friends. My opinion? I was her bridesmaid and she has made mention of the fact that she doesn't want to look back at her wedding pictures and see people that she's no longer friends with in her wedding party. With that said, her wedding party was not her first choice: best friend was super pregnant and due that month and couldn't risk it, other two girls were out-of-state and couldn't make the three of us that were her bridesmaids were second string. I mean, of course she was happy to have us. The two from out-of-state were childhood friends and I think she felt obligated to ask them. But now I feel like we're friends still because we have nobody else. I'm pretty sure I'm the only friend she spends time talking to and I know that's true for me, as well, since L is far away and so busy on her internship. Even if she wasn't, we wouldn't be talking every day...but that's why we are such good friends. We like our independence. Anyway, I've decided to take a step back for now. I'm not tossing her out, I'm just not going to be as available as I have been. I need some space. Is it sad that I don't have more friends? I prefer quality over quantity, I guess.

Work: we've been busy. What can I say? Am I happy there? I'm happy when I'm seeing clients. I'm happy when it comes to my veterinary work. I'm not happy when it comes to dealing with my bosses or with clinic policies or just the annoying part of being an employee. But is that the clinic's fault, or is it mine? Do I think they are good people to work for? Meh. I think they want to be and they think they are, but I don't think they are good at it. I do not feel valued whatsoever, but then again, does anyone? Am I expecting something that isn't out there? A shangri la veterinary clinic that doesn't exist? This other place I'm keen on - they know how to run a clinic. They've had many. Does that mean it would be perfect there? Probably not. Maybe it is unreasonable of me to expect everything. I know everyone has these issues with work, but I have the added bonus of a 100+ mile commute daily, poor pay and am getting very little surgical experience. It isn't just about the bosses. It is also about more practical things. The other associate just did her first inguinal hernia repair in 7 years since she graduated. WHAT!?!?! I do not want that to be me. Any clinic looking for a new vet wants them to have good surgical skills and I'm not getting that. If I stay at this clinic, I'm going to become less and less desirable. I can't go to another clinic 5 years from now and say I've never done an inguinal hernia repair. They'll laugh me out of the door. Most people at my level are doing a dozen surgeries a week or more (from simple mass removals to dentistry to spays and neuters, to foreign body removals, cystotomies, fracture repair, amputations, etc.). I do MAYBE 3-4 a week and almost always dentals or spay/neuter. In 2 years I've only done 2 foreign body surgeries. That is unthinkable. I think purely for professional interest reasons, I need to find another clinic. I also donít appreciate constantly being asked to increase my hours here and there to accommodate them without any increase in pay. Iím salaried and they seem to think that means they can increase my hours here and there as needed. Maybe thatís normal for salaried employees? I guess if I made a bit more than peanuts I may not mindÖbut as it is I work 10+ hours a day without lunchÖincreasing hours means 12+ hours a day without lunch and that gets old.

Husband: ugh. There is an end in sight now Ė furniture in the new building, signs are all upÖhopefully that means they are opening soon and he can stop the 24/7 work. This is getting old.

Fertility: weíre a no-go this month since heís out of town and Iím in Iowa next month so another no-go. When youíre trying to get pregnant, nothing is worse than not being able to even try. Having a bit of hope each month is the only thing that keeps me going. He told me yesterday if we do IVF, it is purely for me. He doesnít think we need it, but if thatís what I want, weíll do it. Great, thanks for being so on board with something that will be extremely expensive and stressful. Iím pretty sure that after almost 4 years and 3 miscarriages, it is time to try something more extreme. Iíll be 34 next month and when youíre not dealing with infertility, that isnít a big deal. When you are dealing with infertility, age is a major factor and time is running out. He is sick of hearing me complain about other women having babies. Heís right. Iím uber negative and maybe all of that negativity is sucking the fertility right out of me. Stress is a large component when it starts to affect you physiologically and I already know from having tests run that my adrenals are shot and my cortisol is highÖall of which can inhibit ovulation and therefore affect fertility. I donít ovulate much. So being negative and depressed about all of it isnít helping matters.

Weight: yesterday I was at 187.6. Iím loving life on Paleo. Iím not having a lot of cravings and Iím able to make it through the day without running out for ice cream. Iím not even thinking about food that much. Yesterday I made pumpkin pancakes from the Practical Paleo book and I have to say...not impressed. I think the lesson I learned was that if I want something not Paleo-friendly, the substitution may not do it for me. I donít eat pancakes much anyway, maybe 2-3 times a year. So if I really, really, really, really desire pancakesÖIíd rather go out and have some buttermilk pancakes and get it over with then try to substitute them with soggy pumpkiny and eggy pancakes. Ick. Iím sure there are a lot of other recipes with substitutions that are great, but not this one!

Plan for today:
1) read a lot of Game of Thrones
2) clean my car, finish laundry
3) make some egg, mushroom, onion and garlic mini muffins to have for breakfasts Ė sautee veggies well and then half-bake the muffins and then freeze? Thatís the plan.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    it sounds like you and B were situational friends and have outgrown each other. At my age I've been through it a million times.

    I think you should look for a new job. I was concerned too when I quit my first job as I have been there for 10 years. I did find there were better places to work. All of the places I worked at were better. LOL.

    I sure hope your hubby gets to start soon!

    I agree with you about exploring your options on fertility. In my experience with it, men don't seem to worry much about it and I have no idea why.

    I have some paleo cookbooks but have not tried any recipes yet.

    949 days ago
    Break up with B and give her a black sharpie to x you on any pics she may have =P Seriously she made u a bridesmaid cuz her other friend was pregnant, what a ..... ugh! My closest girlfriend lives in portland, she came for my wedding, I didn't go for hers. I am so happy I am not a go to person for wedding planning. I hate weddings and the wasteful amount of money shelled out for them. I am sorry you gotta skip this month and next in baby trying. Maybe it will give your body some time to relax.
    949 days ago
    You have a LOT going on. Time for new friends, and yes, time to think about a new job if you aren't getting the work skills you expect. The baby thing? I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy.

    So more hugs!
    949 days ago
    Friends: *sigh* Might be best to let that one wither on the vine. Don't feel "obligated" to have a big circle of friends. Some of us are perfectly happy socializing with our spouses and relatives.

    Fertility: The stress factor is TOTALLY problematic. We were trying diligently for two years and were heading down the road to intervention when my company sold out to another outfit who I did NOT want to work for. I quit my job (which I already THOROUGHLY despised) and took a nice long 7 week break to work on some remodeling and plan what I wanted to be when I grew up. I went back to temping after that and was SO much happier. Within another month I became the Goddess of Fertility, three pregnancies within 15 months - I miscarried the first and then my two boys were born one year apart. Even if it's not the complete answer for you, just imagine how much better your body will feel by working on getting it under control!

    Weight: I don't like making faux-foods much either. I keep trying gamely to make a perfect paleo muffin but I'm not there yet. The food is so good in and of itself I don't feel the need to replicate pizza crust or breakfast cereal, lol!
    950 days ago
    B sounds like a real B. (smiling) Seriously, true friends do not get mean and angry. If you don't really like her, expunge. Honestly, it's tough to do, but the rewards are many.

    I can't tell you enough how all your advice played into my good decisions this morning. I truly have to do a lot of exercise today to get out much stress. So many things going on and I feel at a loss.

    I have a harsh blog coming up that I may or may not post. It is about loss and impending loss. Having lost so many dear ones recently, you'd think I'd be an expert by now on letting go. But it's just the opposite.

    The harshness comes in feeling sometimes that I disagree with "better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all." I recently heard a mother say that, if she knew how tough it would be to lose her children, she would have never had them. Yes, it sounds harsh. But having lost 2 out of 3, plus so many other loved ones (and my mother currently dying), I often wish I was an orphan.

    After these two love bug cats of mine depart, no more. I am not weak nor a coward, but I cannot bear to lose anything or anyone else.

    Big hug of thankfulness. Will expound in sparkmail about some of my decisions later today, when I've got more of my rational mind back.
    950 days ago
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