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Am I too dumb??

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I grew up believing I was really stupid. As well as being self conscious about my weight as a kid I also was very self conscious about feeling really dumb. Which is one of the reason's I used to not talk often. I mean I did block so much out, that is how I handled my childhood. I did have it drummed in my head from a young age that I was : "an imbecile, retarded,lunatic, cretin etc" referring to dumb. And I have believed it ever since. Except over the last few years with my soul searching-about seven or eight years, I have learnt to accept myself the way that I am-even if I aren't super quick mentally. I often do things or say things and I wonder "why did I do that, or say that??" Stupid things that either make me look like a fool, or just plain dumb things. But as I said I had leant to accept that part of myself, although I have always been very sensitive to being called an idiot or for people to think that I am.
Recently I went for a job interview. It was a long interview and I thought I did okay. I got to do an observation shift at the place I applied for. To see if it was for me and also I guess for them to see if I was okay for the job. I did that shift and saw the boss afterwards. He said he would talk to my referees etc, and to call back if I hadn't heard by Friday. That was last Friday. I decided to ring back on Monday-this week. And I got the lady who answers the phone there(typical-you have to go through someone to talk to who you want to talk to)she said he was on a phone call. She's get him to call me. Talking to her, I sounded like a gibbering idiot. I rang again this morning-early. The lady who got the phone said he was at a meeting. I rang again half an hour later and she said he was with someone. Both the times today I didn't say who was calling.
Last night I was in bed thinking how I would juggle a couple of my clients from my currant job to do with the job I'd applied for-(still believing I may still get the job). The job I do at the moment I have clients who I go to their houses to care for -personal care and housework.My hours were not enough and I applied to a place that is an institution where they live. Well this morning I woke up early and my brain started thinking of all the odd stupid things that I had said in the two episodes that I'd seen this boss. After all these years trying to rethink about how I see myself-not dumb, but not a super genius either. Now here I am going back to how I used to believe about myself. I had accepted myself as being not a master mind, but not an idiot either. And I really do say and do odd things at times. So what am I getting at?? Scars don't heal over night, childhood abuse and truama don't just vanish. As much I I try to move on and not let yesterday spoil my present and future it will always be there. Preferably not in the here and now constantly following me.
People often don't understand how some of us carry past truama and difficulties etc into the present day. How we don't just leave it behind and get on with it. Healing is not a fast process for some people-not emotional healing. And as much as we know it hinders our growth, scars can be deep.
For me doing every day things can be a struggle sometimes. People might not realise it, but while my son was growing up and I brought him up on my own with no adult support I so often struggled. It was hard, I had nobody to turn to and I have always felt alone in that sense. As a child with everything that was going on there was no one for me then and I have always felt that way.
This is not meant for any purpose what I am about to say, well not pointed anywhere or at anyone. But please don't judge people by your stardards of what you manage well and what you believe people should be doing. Some of us really struggle. I have found that I express myself so much better in writing than verbally. Verbally I can be such a clutz, I can't say how I feel or what I am meaning to say that well. Don't judge a book by it's cover, that cover might be only one tiny facet of the story. It might not even look like it belongs to that story, but the depth involved might be so far from what the cover shows.

I am going to ring the man again to see if I got that job or not. I just need to know rather than wasting more time. I can handle a no, but being held waiting is not great. Please don't judge!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So glad you got the job. I know what you mean about people judging. The old saying "walk a mile in my shoes/moccasins" is so true. I had a good childhood, mainly, but I had something happen about 13 yrs. ago with an ex-husband which caused us to loose everything. I was shocked when some folks blamed me "because I should have known"... I remember thinking, "you need an experience of some sort like this to learn a bit of compassion and understanding". Just remember, some people are just shallow and totally self-involved. Ignore them. You are worth more than they'll ever understand.
    1488 days ago
  • KIM22211
    you are so right. We all have different things we excel in and you are VERY smart!
    1488 days ago
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    1490 days ago
    Thanks for the supportative comments, they are very much appreciated!!!
    Karen, it was my step father who verbally,physically and sexually abused me. My mum was sick and lived in a hospital. With the truama of my mum being sick, and I love and needed her so much. if I had a supportitive adult things may have been okay. i might not have been so messed up. But the one adult other than mum , who I saw once a week when we visited her in hospital was my step father. He brought us up. In so many ways he did do his best, and I always excused his mistakes. But now since my soul searching I can no longer except his "mistakes". I never talked to another person about his things he did or his style of parenting. I always blocked things out, just hid them away to deal with when ever. And it is these last few years that i have confronted my past and it is more out there on the surface.
    But on a brighter note I GOT THE JOB-YAY YAY-I GOT IT!!!!
    I got it, I thought the worst, and I got the job!!!!
    1490 days ago
    As you know, I deal with abuse issues too and, you're right, the issues just don't go away because we are older. As soon as you hear the negative voices, talk back. I do! Sometimes I say the opposite of the voice "yes, I look great" and other times, I clap my hands loudly and say "stop". You and I, and other survivors deserve happiness now. Yesir!! emoticon emoticon
    1490 days ago
  • KAREN608
    Such a soulful honest blog!
    I had kids verbally cut me down all my childhood, and do better writing than verbally, so understand somewhat, what you are saying.

    Surviving alone like that is a big accomplishment!

    Places of work are rather cold and sorry they will not say either yes or no and be done with it. There may be lots of applicants for the job.

    I always do badly in job interviews, get nervous. And saying things others do not say: that is me to a tee.
    I think we are sensitive people, and are great friends and employees for the ones that get to know us.

    May you get better hours in some job where they will appreciate you.
    1490 days ago
    I hate waiting and not knowing. Hope you hear soon.
    1490 days ago
    We are the sum if all the experiences we have had. You can't just say to yourself "This thing that affected me deeply, yeah. I'm going to ignore that now." But scars are the things that make us unique, distinguish us from the rest. Two people can suffer the same type of injuries, and the scars remaining (physical or mental) will not look alike. They are with us forever. All of us.

    I hope you do get the job. But if you didn't, just remember that it's one more bump on life's road, and look back without judging yourself (to the best of your ability) to see what elements you feel you can change in the next instance.

    The scars will always be there, but you can try to hide and deny them, or you can learn to embrace them as the things that make you unique. Try to remember, you wouldn't have made it this far with so little support if you truly were as flawed as you see yourself when you are most insecure.

    And in the end, scars are just tattoos with cooler stories.
    1490 days ago
    Good luck on getting a new job. Don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of people still carry the old negative thoughts about ourselves until we are old and gone. It is a hard process to change these beliefs. You can do it and you are worth it.
    1490 days ago
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