Monday, February 17, 2014
Like many of my sparks friends doing this challenge, I really struggled with writing this but then I went to write to someone else "It's because it's hard that it's important to do" and realized that I should be saying this to myself.
So here's mine.
I know it's sometimes hard to see, but you are strong, stubborn, smart, capable and nice. I know right now you are feeling overwhelmed--anyone would feel overwhelmed with what you are juggling! You've talked to enough other people in grad school to know that this stage IS really hard, and yow know that you have had the extra challenge of juggling the redone comps and the deadline for the dissertation at the same time. You have conquered all... you know this material inside and out.... you are articulate, educated, and informed.
You are not as invisible as you think you are! I know that, too, is hard to believe, but enough people keep saying that so it must be true. You may not be the best fencer on the list--give yourself a break, girl! Many of the people you fence have been doing this for 15 or more years... and try not to compare yourself to the young'uns who are almost 20 years younger than you are--they may be stronger, more flexible, and have more endurance, but you are tempered steel. You know how to overcome, how to be determined, and consistent, and to not give up. You've already overcome challenges that they haven't even faced yet. That counts too. And the fact that the young new fencers still have to work to keep up with you--own that! You do not suck. You've even had people compliment you on your progress and tell you that you are a fun person to fence, and even that you are good at teaching without being patronizing or intimidating.
You are not invisible in other ways. You love to teach and you are good at it--believe people when they say so! People remember your kumihimo--especially the karakumi. They remember that you are friendly and willing to answer questions and to show them how to do it and to learn kumihimo and other crafts. They recognize your willingness to help out when you can--behind the scenes is not the same thing as invisible! So stop hiding. You don't need to hide.
Learn a lesson from one of your friends this weekend and learn to take compliments without trying to deflect them, because they are sincerely meant. It's fine---and even good to be humble--but you are too hard on yourself. You would never be so critical of anyone else--why do you insist on setting impossibly high standards for yourself and then berate yourself because you don't achieve them?
Remember the most important thing--you ARE loved and you ARE worth it. You are worth the effort. You are worth the effort it takes to get fitter and stronger. You are worth the effort it takes to buy and prepare good food. To get a good night's sleep. You have people who are willing to help you out--let them! You are worth talking to. You are worth taking the time out for yourself sometimes.
*hugs and love and tea* Because I know tea is what is keeping you going right now.
Oh, yeah, and go eat, silly!