Saturday, February 15, 2014
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
A. In floats
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a'la mode.