It's the up and down of my flickering resolve that confuses me the most.
I'm saying, as a simple matter of fact and without the least bit of drama, that I feel that I'm somewhat missing from myself. It's the only thing I can come up with to describe how, day in and day out, I am still flopping around on the shore when I have every intention to jump in and SWIM! The journey, the hard work, the victories and the tears are all still ahead of me. I wake up every morning like the movie "Groundhog Day", only to live that same day (as it applies to my health and fitness choices) over yet again.
So, I've been noticing this and wondering to myself about who it is I used to be and where in the world have I gone and just when will I show up and rescue my own self.
But there are glimpses...
I seem to remember that I am notoriously stubborn when I am convinced. This has been the case since birth, I was told this by my Mother on many occasions when our ideas wouldn't quite match up. Liver for dinner? I could stay at the table all night. And I mean, I was never the one to fold. Not once. I have my own sense of style, which usually rebels against whatever trends are the most mainstream. Of course, I've shut style out of my life for the past 20 years due to my "situation". And, as a (gulp) plus-sized woman on a budget who is not given to graphic prints and polyester, my size requirements have all but swallowed my style whole. And the freedom I relinquished, though I'm not sure when, of my outgoing, loving personality. It was what made me ME. It's what attracted my husband and made every stranger my potential friend. These things are missing at the moment.
And I mean to find where I left them.
I have a memory from when I was around six or seven. I looked down at my thighs and they were wider than those of my little friend, who was sitting next to me. That's when I first felt that I was not "as good" as those around me. I didn't know to consider that she was a year younger than me and that I have a muscly German background. I just felt wrong. My biggest underlying fear became, in every situation, that I would be that one in the room who was the biggest. Today, I live that nightmare. And I'm the ONLY ONE who can fix it.
So this morning, waking with the re-realization that I need to MEAN to, in every moment, fight for the girl I left behind , I returned to my Pinterest vision board. It's not very literal. Where you see a stick thin model, I'm seeing the dress or the expression. I have no fantasy of becoming bony and suddenly tall. But I do enjoy remembering the swish of a flouncy skirt on the back of my knees. The quotes aren't hard-core "Fitspiration", but things that speak to me. And watches! I truly loved wearing watches. Some images are simply about the mood of the moment that is portrayed.
I just want to soak in some inspiration and use that to fuel this thing, which I am determined to accomplish. I'll spend some time remembering my stubborn inner child and see if I can't remember what it was like to stand, fully, in my own space and feel my own power.
My Board: www.pinterest.com/shawne
Anyway, HAPPY SATURDAY, all.