Friday, February 14, 2014
You don't know you're at the bottom until after you leave.
So I don't know if I'm at the bottom. Yet.
Been feeling so negative about my weight. I'm old enough to know that this isn't the same as hating myself. I don't. But I hate what I've done (or not done). I have to hate it, I think. I have to absolutely be disgusted, in order to blast myself out of this rut.
Yesterday I posted about food addiction. I finally knew it when I realized I was once again eating just to be eating, often when I wasn't hungry. I have learned enough to know when that's happening. I guess that's some kind of progress.
I fooled myself when I lost weight the last time, but now I can't not admit it to myself anymore.
Hence the plan I outlined yesterday. Last time I ate in a range of 1350-1500 for almost a year. Which is no doubt a better idea than 1200-1350, but I'm going to just up and say it - I am more impatient this time. Which could well be setting myself up for failure. So if I do need to move it up, I will. But not yet.
What has changed, more importantly, is my frame of thinking, as I said yesterday. I have to look at eating off plan like any other addict going off the wagon. It's not that I shouldn't do it, I just must not. Even after I hit goal, I'm going to have to make a plan for the caloric and activity level I must maintain and then not fall off.
I have selected 120 days as a time frame in which if I stay on plan, I'll feel better. I won't be at goal, but I'll be far enough along that I won't feel so awful about my size. I'll start to feel like I used to.
Now I'm at day 118. All I'm going to worry about is doing my walking and my eating plan today. Today is all that matters.
And today and this weekend is going to be hard. Today I'm going to a pre-conference session about soil building. Outside my plan issues, this is one of my favorite weekends of the year. It's my ag conference, and I'll be there Saturday and Sunday (glad it's only an hour away and I can drive).
I bought meal plans (months ago) for lunch, supper, and Sunday lunch. Plus TONIGHT we are going to a four-course wine-pairing supper for Valentine's Day at our local bed and breakfast. Nothing like facing long odds. :D
But the ag conference serves all organic and healthy food. I can skip the cookies and dessert and not go nuts on the portions. Tonight I will try not finishing everything on my plate, though it's one of those fancy dinners and they don't serve huge portions in the first place, which is good. No refills on the wine.
Since I have a plan, if I stick to that plan, I will feel I've accomplished my goal, even though technically I will go over on the calories. But I won't go over my plan. Since it's about attitude right now, I think I will be okay.
I think I will be okay.
I'm going to just carry that thought on today.