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    MEDDYPEDDY   131,408
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Not again...

Friday, February 14, 2014

Had another of those anxiety situations where it comes totally impossible for me to do things I have to do - in this case to pay bills....

They were due the last of january and the reminders have started to drop in... and I keep postponing it "IŽll do it tonight..." "IŽll do it first thing in the morning... " "IŽll do it the minute I come home from work..." this has been going on for about fourteen days, incredible! AND painful!

An hour ago:

ten minutes ago...

so it is done, and the relief is instant. As the feeling of energy, it is so obvious that all these postponings I dwell in binds a lot of energy and make me feel bad.

There has been very little exercise this week – it might be that I set the goal of 2000 minutes, it seems as if I fix goals like that, I immedeately start to sabotage them to myself.

A tough thing I did this week was to confront a friend who has acted a little hostile towards me for a couple of months... no big things, just little remarks that made me unsure, were they only jokes or was there something behind it? Finally I spoke up and asked her if something was going on? SHe denied it and said I was overreacting and too snsitive, but as I insisted she after a while said that it might have been last midsummer that influenced her.

And reminded me that I left a company of friends last midsummer rather abruptly without explaining afterwards or talking about it... I had forgotten but remembered that it was awkvard, I was uncomfortable and not feeling good about leaving - mostly because I was so bored by the company, they were drinking and I am not. And in my book it is not allowed to feel that others bore you, especially not dear friends. And the awkwardness made me act a little clumpsy and not being as smooth as I normally am in situations like that

The good thing was that I learned that my "stomach feeling" was right - I did sense something was wrong and I kept insisting on that feeling in spite of her denial - and I was right! If I want to become steady in my recovery from COE, this is something I have to learn, to take care of my "stomach feeling" and act on it or not, just to learn to believe in it, that when the alarm goes off something needs to be taken care of.

But the cost was pain. Going home afterwards (and we talked it out and there were no harm between us) I was feeling total panic, nobody would ever like me anymore, I was going to be abandoned and lonley and starving to death since nobody would help me if I got in trouble,,,very primitive and obviously childhood stuff coming to life.

But 24 hours later I was fine and some energy was released. But I keep on struggling with anxiety, it is probably because I donŽt work full time and I donŽt sell the spare time I got, I am totally paralysed and waiting for disaster to struck...

The good thing is that my business edition is very well planned and I have not postponed that much, if this continues I will have a dealine week were everything is ready to edit... miraculous!

Other good things - my "dog lady" messed yesterday and told me that she will be released from the mental hospital next week, another big stone falling from my chest because it has been really hard to work and take care of doggy in a proper manner. This weekend I was supposed to go on a course but I cancelled, could not get anybody to take care of doggy. It is a very fragile situation, I have no idea if my dog ladys recovery will continue but for the moment I will rejoice in the fact that a solution seems to come and that part of my stress will go away.

Today I will contact authorities to see how it works with pension - it is possible to get part of it from the age of 61 and I should probably ease my stress by adding some of that to my reduced wage... afraid that it will hurt me in the long run as it means that I will get less when I get to the "real" retire age...

Another denial that has to be revealed - I have gained eight of my 16 lost kilos back since the beginning of december, time to wake up and smell the roses...
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1SALMON1 2/17/2014 1:40AM

    Hi, Meddy! I read this blog the day you posted it and have been thinking about it. I often do the same thing- put off a chore that is perhaps not very difficult but somehow has turned into something I just can't get done. The anxiety and tension you describe are exactly how I feel in those times. And each time the situation passes - somehow I do what needs to be done. The only thing I can think of that might be comforting is exactly that - we've been here before, we don't know why it keeps happening, but each time we get through it. That thought has helped me in recent years - I laugh at myself, 'well, here we are again! how long is it going to take this time?' and knowing it will pass, that I will get things taken care of, does help relieve the stress. Enough about that - I have to say BIG CONGRATULATIONS! to you for working through the situation with your friend. I so admire you for following your sense that something was wrong and insisting. That is true courage!

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DAWNFIRE72 2/15/2014 5:03PM

    Thank you for sharing this. I too am having a hard time dealing with stress and hearing your success on finding ways to cut your own stress has helped me to realize I need to focus on what I can change and let the rest go.

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AJDOVER1 2/14/2014 4:38PM

    Thanks so much for writing this! This is my second reminder today that my recently-acquired habit of paying my bills on time has helped me immensely!

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TOKIEMOON 2/14/2014 4:35PM

    Stress that we leave unaddressed can become crippling. It sounds like you were on your way when you relieved some of your anxiety by tackling the bill paying. Your Higher Power can help, if you are open to accepting the guidance. I'm glad you were able to clear the air with your friend. Our gut feelings are there for a reason. Good job!

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JOYINKY 2/14/2014 10:05AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MAGNOLIA416 2/14/2014 9:18AM

    Dear you, you have a lot going on! Hope today is easier.

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INGMARIE 2/14/2014 7:55AM

    You got the bills paid, I think the rest will fall into place too now when you have one less stressor(bills).
I think you are competent enough to get out there and sell your time.
Retirement partially ,not a bad idea either.
Your friend is still your friend, they would not abandon you, but yes tact is sometimes a good thing LOL I lack in that department too sometimes.
Hang in there ,things will be fine. emoticon

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ANNEMARGAR 2/14/2014 7:50AM

    MeddyPeddy - so sorry to hear about the stress and anxiety that you are experiencing in your life right now. I am very glad to hear that you got your bills paid off :) I have a work project sitting on my desk that should have been done some weeks ago that I keep putting off - so I can understand how this happens. I guess it has to do with what we TRULY prioritize -- what we will accomplish each day. (Today I will complete the project!!)

What I was wondering - do you have a group of new friends (not the alcohol drinking friends) that you can hangout with? At the age of 44, I find it is not so easy to make friends as when I was younger. But I joined a church (Unitarian Universalist) where I have joined some discussion groups, book club, and find it very welcoming. I thought you were volunteering a little while ago. Anyway - perhaps you should focus your attention on your new friends who accept you for the person that does not drink alcohol?

I hope you enjoy a wonderful Friday MeddyPeddy!! Big HUG!

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    Big compliments for taking care of the bills, for organising the business edition so well, and for getting clarity with your friend.
I very much understand that type of feelings that you had afterwards, the fear of abandonment.
I hope you can find more people that are willing to take care of the dog. Hang in there. You're a brave woman.

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KASEYCOFF 2/14/2014 2:38AM

    You, my dear, have a lot going on right now - emotionally and mentally if not physically. You seem to see a lot of what you need to do, what you should do... but the question becomes, how to motivate yourself to do what you know you need to do?

Alas, I am in the same boat - it's just that I don't necessarily see as clearly where the stress and anxiety come from.

And I'm super-impressed that not only was your intuition regarding your friend's behavior correct, but you had the courage to confront her, and persist until the air was cleared. Even if you had the subsequent worries about abandonment and loneliness, you are right to recognize that you've learned a valuable lesson and that you can rely on your gut instinct. If something feels wrong, it probably is!

Re the bills and weight-gain and money problems and denial and procrastination and what to do about arranging early payment of part of your pension... nothing for it, Meddy, but to work through it as best you can. As you already know. If I was there I'd give you a big hug. It wouldn't help solve any problems, but I hope it would make you feel calmer about them.

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