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I simply do not have a clue.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

If you have ever been an alcoholic and dried out, you know how it feels. Every time I do - meaning go on program with my food - there comes a time during the initial stages where I simply am at a loss with how to deal.

It doesn't take long to get to this point. The longer I stay on program the deeper I feel this way. The good news about this is that's exactly what is supposed to happen when one gives up the old self for a different self that is getting closer to the inner Self. Translated: going from a life filled with chaos, grief, victimization, loss, etc., to one where we find Peace, Calmness, Kindness, and yes, a few moments of Love.

Tonight I'm typing this out, kind of teary eyed. Not because of anything special but perhaps everything all rolled up and no where to go except in front of my face for me to look at.

I know how to be a bitch!
I know how to defend my position and kick another's arse!
I know how to protect myself and I don't know judo, karate, or carry a gun.
I know how to, figureatively speaking pull someone's guts out and stomp on them, leaving them in quite a bit of pain. I do not wonder why my siblings cower at the sight of my anger. They have tasted what I can do when provoked.

What I do not have a clue on is life without going off program for one reason or another.

When I'm not "using" (eating food that does no one's body or emotions/brain any good), it initially makes me feel like a Superwoman. Then I crash and get depressed. Sound familiar?? My life has been mostly in this realm. Thank you "food" producers!!!

When I'm clean and sober (on program and especially on raw food), I am a totally different person. This isn't so much a better person, but a DIFFERENT person. I feel so much like that Indian in Brave New World. I watch what everyone else is consuming and watch how they act. It is like being a sober bartender at a New Year's Eve celebration!!

So, for some reason, maybe because of everything that has hit me in the last 6 weeks, my thoughts are quite clear. Probably also because I've been studying my Spiritual path for about 6 hrs minimum each day and it's finally done some good.

I no longer want to be in a bad situation and resolve it by doing harm to another.
I no longer want to be mean, unkind, thoughtless.
I no longer want to even think mean, unkind or thoughtlessly of others. And when I do (like very second!) I smile gently at myself and move on towards more Loving thoughts.

What I do not have a clue about though is how to resolve difficulties with others, without resorting to what I don't want to do.

And, again, this is good! Perhaps instead of figuring things out on my own, by myself, from past experiences, I'll go within to the Peace and Love and simply allow that to lead.

Thank you for allowing me to be straight up and honest. I'm tired and off to bed soon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIIDA 2/14/2014 6:28PM

    You're shaking yourself up and reassessing everything. Maybe we do that when hard things from the outside hit us, and then we learn a lot.

emoticon to you as you go through this process.

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MARUKI52 2/14/2014 3:20PM

    I have found that when I meditate regularly then answers to problems can surface from my unconscious into my consciousness while meditating. Meditating seems to clear all the fog away and, without even asking for an answer to a particular situation I find myself in or others find themselves in, that allows what needs doing or saying much clearer. Sit quietly and delve into your inner being and allow a solution to present itself to you without force, without pressure of any kind. There you may find an answer.

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    I like the part about moving on when you are not on program or where you "should be" as I think you are taking the good and the bad with balance and grace. emoticon

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FANCYKAYAH 2/14/2014 9:46AM

    Great goals to strive for, fabulous! It takes a lot of practise to go toward the light~

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GENRE009 2/14/2014 3:19AM

    Sometimes when I listen to how you struggle within your self or with people or food, I feel like I am listening to a wise guru who struggles for inner peace, yet has all the answers within. In the end you seem to always lead yourself back to a place of peace. And for that I am very happy. I always like good ends. yet the struggle isn't always pleasant to get there. The analogy of being like a bar tender was pretty great, cause I definitely can relate to that part, since I don't drink. many times I watch people gorge themselves, or drink till they stagger. Why I think, when I know they are going to get sick? I want to be high on life, not medicate myself down. Anyway, I am glad you found peace with the struggle you had today. Now tomorrow that's another story for all of us. eva emoticon emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 2/14/2014 3:09AM

    Some situations just need to pass and unravel on their own, some need no action, or just a look, or a silence to convey what needs to be said.
Today is a fresh day, a blank sheet.
Happy Valentine's Day babe emoticon

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PHYLISSCR 2/13/2014 10:51PM

    I think you are in a very GOOD place. I don't know how to deal with those people either, meaning I can't change how THEY act only how I react.... and sometimes that was eating in an unhealthy manner...did that change things? NO so way did I do it? I Don't know!!!! But I am learning how to handle things differently now....LEARNING....sometimes I fail terribly...but there will always be another test.... I hope I can learn slowly how to react differently. Keep going toward your new self I like her. emoticon

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BARBANNA 2/13/2014 10:29PM

    YOu are sounding more positive and level headed, glad you have better stability. The rest will come in due time. Hope the rest of the week is better and you are coping with it effectively. emoticon

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AWESOMECHELZ 2/13/2014 9:29PM

    Some situations, for me, lend themselves to just waiting, just being quiet. Then answers come. I am impressed with your new spiritual journey. emoticon emoticon

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CAT-IN-CJ 2/13/2014 9:13PM

    Tomorrow's a brand new day! Let's make the most of it!

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GIANTPANDA 2/13/2014 9:12PM

    Very moving blog! I used to use Gabrielle Bernstein's mantras on my first fast. One of them that really stayed with me is this: "I am love." It is amazing to say that outloud and to meditate on that. "I am love." There are many others, too, but that one comes to mind now. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 2/13/2014 9:08PM

    Touching blog. Big hug.

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