If you have ever been an alcoholic and dried out, you know how it feels. Every time I do - meaning go on program with my food - there comes a time during the initial stages where I simply am at a loss with how to deal.
It doesn't take long to get to this point. The longer I stay on program the deeper I feel this way. The good news about this is that's exactly what is supposed to happen when one gives up the old self for a different self that is getting closer to the inner Self. Translated: going from a life filled with chaos, grief, victimization, loss, etc., to one where we find Peace, Calmness, Kindness, and yes, a few moments of Love.
Tonight I'm typing this out, kind of teary eyed. Not because of anything special but perhaps everything all rolled up and no where to go except in front of my face for me to look at.
I know how to be a bitch!
I know how to defend my position and kick another's arse!
I know how to protect myself and I don't know judo, karate, or carry a gun.
I know how to, figureatively speaking pull someone's guts out and stomp on them, leaving them in quite a bit of pain. I do not wonder why my siblings cower at the sight of my anger. They have tasted what I can do when provoked.
What I do not have a clue on is life without going off program for one reason or another.
When I'm not "using" (eating food that does no one's body or emotions/brain any good), it initially makes me feel like a Superwoman. Then I crash and get depressed. Sound familiar?? My life has been mostly in this realm. Thank you "food" producers!!!
When I'm clean and sober (on program and especially on raw food), I am a totally different person. This isn't so much a better person, but a DIFFERENT person. I feel so much like that Indian in Brave New World. I watch what everyone else is consuming and watch how they act. It is like being a sober bartender at a New Year's Eve celebration!!
So, for some reason, maybe because of everything that has hit me in the last 6 weeks, my thoughts are quite clear. Probably also because I've been studying my Spiritual path for about 6 hrs minimum each day and it's finally done some good.
I no longer want to be in a bad situation and resolve it by doing harm to another.
I no longer want to be mean, unkind, thoughtless.
I no longer want to even think mean, unkind or thoughtlessly of others. And when I do (like very second!) I smile gently at myself and move on towards more Loving thoughts.
What I do not have a clue about though is how to resolve difficulties with others, without resorting to what I don't want to do.
And, again, this is good! Perhaps instead of figuring things out on my own, by myself, from past experiences, I'll go within to the Peace and Love and simply allow that to lead.
Thank you for allowing me to be straight up and honest. I'm tired and off to bed soon.