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    ASHLEYAMBER0710   10,092
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A pretty dress and some new hope.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Yesterday was an awesome day. I met my weigh in, a day behind schedule but I did it!! And to celebrate I had myself a little shopping spree. It was heavenly. I started out trying on cloths that were all to large. It didn't take me long to hop back into my clothes in celebration and run out and gather every adorable thing in my new smaller size. Technically I have been wearing a size 14 pair of pants from 2006 but they were snug. So I was leery to try them on but they fit amazing. In some sizes I even wore a 12. And shirts were in-between a large and even medium!!

I really didn't go crazy, I just bought a couple pairs of skinny jeans. I am not crazy about the patterns and cuts of tops right now. However, I did by an adorable pink dress I am going to wear out on my valentine's date with hubby. We are going to the melting pot. Yum! Back to the dress. It fits awesome, it is super sliming and I am so excited!

I will have to post some pics from our night out.

Now something just a tad more serious. Last weekend I got sick and had a little "melt down" I cried until there were no more tears. I realized that I have anxiety, well I have always known, but I really came to terms with how much of a role it plays in my life. How it is starting to shape my children. How it has a huge toll on my marriage. Almost every aspect of my life has been influenced by my feeling so out of control. I decided last weekend I was going to do everything in my power to break the cycle of anxiety I have been living in since I was about 13.

Monday morning I called my dr. office and they booked me a cancelation appt for the very next day. I saw the dr and she agreed, I had been suffering from anxiety and depression like thoughts brought on by anxiety. She prescribed me an antidepressant.

She told me the pill would take about 2-3 weeks to take effect. However medications have a really potent effect of me. They always have. Take your reaction to any kind of medication and multiply it by 6 and that will probably be my reaction (not kidding, if you give me any kind of narcotic, I am seriously comatose for 8 hours.) But I am about 90% sure I am already feeling some of the side effects.

My whole life there has just been a constant buzzing in my brain and body. I can never sit still for more then 5 minutes. I itch and fidget and just have to move or I start to become really irritated. This morning I was laying in my bed and my whole body felt so heavy. I had never ever felt that sensation where I just was. I started describing it to my husband and he says "babe, you are just relaxed." Hm, so you mean in 28 years I have never just been relaxed? The funny thing was I kind of didn't like it. But maybe its just one of those things you have to get used to.

I noticed it was much easier to find joy in the little moments I had with my kids. Normally I feel so far away from them even when I am tucking them in at night and cuddling them. Last night I could just really listen and appreciate their little thoughts and there need to be close to their mama.

Overall it just feels like a very crazy fog is lifting and its scary to break free from familiarity but I am grateful at the opportunity to welcome the sun!
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DRPEPPIE121 2/13/2014 1:40PM

    Great to hear so many great news!!! I know the anxious feelings at times... I have a very mild case of trichotillomania (pulling of hair)... so I understand. It's gotten better as I have slowly released control to God and allowed Him to help me. I admit it's not easy nor "perfect" because I am still just human, but He has helped me more than I know I could have. My hubby has helped a lot with my anxiety because he's so relaxed and chill that it's really worked on me not worrying about perfection so much and controlling things. It's not perfect, but it's a growing thing I work on daily. I also have a lovely older woman as a mentor to help me with my marriage and growing spiritually and she has really helped me with a new perspective.

Just do what you can do and try not to overthink things (a thing I struggle with). YOU CAN DO IT!

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MOMTOCONNOR2003 2/13/2014 9:25AM

    Congrats on everything. The smaller size and taking control with your anxiety. My husband has the same problem but will not go to the doctor. I am now considering slipping him pills in his food. (giggle). He is a stress magnet. He retired from the militaray, takes 4 classes of college and works on the weekends. He constantly complains and has a short temper with everyone in the house from stress. Because I am not that way it is easy for me to tell him to relax. He just does not know how to relax and not stress.

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