Thursday, February 13, 2014
Yesterday was an awesome day. I met my weigh in, a day behind schedule but I did it!! And to celebrate I had myself a little shopping spree. It was heavenly. I started out trying on cloths that were all to large. It didn't take me long to hop back into my clothes in celebration and run out and gather every adorable thing in my new smaller size. Technically I have been wearing a size 14 pair of pants from 2006 but they were snug. So I was leery to try them on but they fit amazing. In some sizes I even wore a 12. And shirts were in-between a large and even medium!!
I really didn't go crazy, I just bought a couple pairs of skinny jeans. I am not crazy about the patterns and cuts of tops right now. However, I did by an adorable pink dress I am going to wear out on my valentine's date with hubby. We are going to the melting pot. Yum! Back to the dress. It fits awesome, it is super sliming and I am so excited!
I will have to post some pics from our night out.
Now something just a tad more serious. Last weekend I got sick and had a little "melt down" I cried until there were no more tears. I realized that I have anxiety, well I have always known, but I really came to terms with how much of a role it plays in my life. How it is starting to shape my children. How it has a huge toll on my marriage. Almost every aspect of my life has been influenced by my feeling so out of control. I decided last weekend I was going to do everything in my power to break the cycle of anxiety I have been living in since I was about 13.
Monday morning I called my dr. office and they booked me a cancelation appt for the very next day. I saw the dr and she agreed, I had been suffering from anxiety and depression like thoughts brought on by anxiety. She prescribed me an antidepressant.
She told me the pill would take about 2-3 weeks to take effect. However medications have a really potent effect of me. They always have. Take your reaction to any kind of medication and multiply it by 6 and that will probably be my reaction (not kidding, if you give me any kind of narcotic, I am seriously comatose for 8 hours.) But I am about 90% sure I am already feeling some of the side effects.
My whole life there has just been a constant buzzing in my brain and body. I can never sit still for more then 5 minutes. I itch and fidget and just have to move or I start to become really irritated. This morning I was laying in my bed and my whole body felt so heavy. I had never ever felt that sensation where I just was. I started describing it to my husband and he says "babe, you are just relaxed." Hm, so you mean in 28 years I have never just been relaxed? The funny thing was I kind of didn't like it. But maybe its just one of those things you have to get used to.
I noticed it was much easier to find joy in the little moments I had with my kids. Normally I feel so far away from them even when I am tucking them in at night and cuddling them. Last night I could just really listen and appreciate their little thoughts and there need to be close to their mama.
Overall it just feels like a very crazy fog is lifting and its scary to break free from familiarity but I am grateful at the opportunity to welcome the sun!