Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I have been AF now for 721 days. In 9 days I celebrate 2 full years of sobriety. Along this journey to stay AF I also discover things about who I really am and how I got to where I am in my life. But none more then the one discovery I made on Sunday evening. As I had dinner with my husband, one of the waitresses that I am familiar with came over to talk with us and say "hi". As we spoke she relayed something that was told to her from my own sister. Without getting into detail, it was something that my sister really should have shared with me first before someone not even related to us. My only reply I could think of was to say, "Well, obviously my sister doesn't speak to me very much anymore." I looked at my husband and said, "I hate my sister". Of course I didn't mean that, but all my life, as I told him, I have been trying so hard to be my sisters friend, to be accepted for who I am. Not only to her, but also to my mother. I always felt as though I needed to prove myself, yet, I never succeeded. For I always did something, not necessarily to them, but to disappoint them in a way that was not what they thought to be up to their moral standards. I told him I don't know who I really am. At the age of 54 and I still have no idea who I really am! How many therapists have I gone thru? Yet, none of them could help me answer that one question. The only time I feel I am myself and can comfortably be me is when I am with my grandchildren or at the assistant living center doing my volunteer work. He looked at me and said, "Because they accept you for you...not who they think you should be. They like/love you for you". I piped in and said, "Unconditionally". I then got so excited because I realized something...something very important in this journey of healing and staying AF. This journey of finding just who I really am and what got me here. I looked out into space, with excitement, yet sadness in my voice and said, "I never drank around my grandkids, never! I never drank around those I visited with at the assistant living center, ever! Why, because I never felt I had to. Because I enjoyed who I was when I am with them. But when I was with everyone in between those ages, I drank for courage. Courage to face what I was unsure would love me for me." I cry tears as I write this for two reasons. One, tears of happiness that I finally understand why I drank like I did. And two, tears of sadness, that even those that I loved, and were suppose to love me, didn't.
I told my husband, I can't stand the thought of hurting anyone. I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me. If I hurt someone, I will do whatever I can to make it right. If someone doesn't like me, I am just sick to my stomach with worry and wonder of why. He said I should not worry about hurting someone that I don't like. That not everyone is going to like me and I shouldn't worry about it. This, I still can not do. But am working on it.
I suppose if I would have started this journey with the help of AA or some other sort of meeting groups, I may have made this discovery sooner. I think I now am ready to do just that. I think I need to move forward with this journey and get more serious with discovering me.
Since I quit drinking, I no long hear from my older brother like I use to. My sister never calls or invites us over anymore. I do not make anyone uncomfortable with my being AF. But lately I am tired of trying to fit it with those who do! I stayed away from situations that involved alcohol when I was starting my journey because of temptation. I have no desire to drink again and am not a bit worried about temptations. I am not invited to my families homes or to coworkers gatherings anymore because all of those involve alcohol. I need to venture out and find REAL friends. Those who love and accept me for me, not for how silly and stupid (what they call fun) I act when drunk!
Well, I guess I've said enough. Time to end this blog. I just wish these discoveries would make me happier then I feel right now. I am very proud of myself for what I have accomplished with becoming AF. I just wish those who loved me when I drank, still loved me now...or did they ever?