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    NANALISA-4   44,009
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Learning on my AF journey

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I have been AF now for 721 days. In 9 days I celebrate 2 full years of sobriety. Along this journey to stay AF I also discover things about who I really am and how I got to where I am in my life. But none more then the one discovery I made on Sunday evening. As I had dinner with my husband, one of the waitresses that I am familiar with came over to talk with us and say "hi". As we spoke she relayed something that was told to her from my own sister. Without getting into detail, it was something that my sister really should have shared with me first before someone not even related to us. My only reply I could think of was to say, "Well, obviously my sister doesn't speak to me very much anymore." I looked at my husband and said, "I hate my sister". Of course I didn't mean that, but all my life, as I told him, I have been trying so hard to be my sisters friend, to be accepted for who I am. Not only to her, but also to my mother. I always felt as though I needed to prove myself, yet, I never succeeded. For I always did something, not necessarily to them, but to disappoint them in a way that was not what they thought to be up to their moral standards. I told him I don't know who I really am. At the age of 54 and I still have no idea who I really am! How many therapists have I gone thru? Yet, none of them could help me answer that one question. The only time I feel I am myself and can comfortably be me is when I am with my grandchildren or at the assistant living center doing my volunteer work. He looked at me and said, "Because they accept you for you...not who they think you should be. They like/love you for you". I piped in and said, "Unconditionally". I then got so excited because I realized something...something very important in this journey of healing and staying AF. This journey of finding just who I really am and what got me here. I looked out into space, with excitement, yet sadness in my voice and said, "I never drank around my grandkids, never! I never drank around those I visited with at the assistant living center, ever! Why, because I never felt I had to. Because I enjoyed who I was when I am with them. But when I was with everyone in between those ages, I drank for courage. Courage to face what I was unsure would love me for me." I cry tears as I write this for two reasons. One, tears of happiness that I finally understand why I drank like I did. And two, tears of sadness, that even those that I loved, and were suppose to love me, didn't.
I told my husband, I can't stand the thought of hurting anyone. I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me. If I hurt someone, I will do whatever I can to make it right. If someone doesn't like me, I am just sick to my stomach with worry and wonder of why. He said I should not worry about hurting someone that I don't like. That not everyone is going to like me and I shouldn't worry about it. This, I still can not do. But am working on it.
I suppose if I would have started this journey with the help of AA or some other sort of meeting groups, I may have made this discovery sooner. I think I now am ready to do just that. I think I need to move forward with this journey and get more serious with discovering me.
Since I quit drinking, I no long hear from my older brother like I use to. My sister never calls or invites us over anymore. I do not make anyone uncomfortable with my being AF. But lately I am tired of trying to fit it with those who do! I stayed away from situations that involved alcohol when I was starting my journey because of temptation. I have no desire to drink again and am not a bit worried about temptations. I am not invited to my families homes or to coworkers gatherings anymore because all of those involve alcohol. I need to venture out and find REAL friends. Those who love and accept me for me, not for how silly and stupid (what they call fun) I act when drunk!
Well, I guess I've said enough. Time to end this blog. I just wish these discoveries would make me happier then I feel right now. I am very proud of myself for what I have accomplished with becoming AF. I just wish those who loved me when I drank, still loved me now...or did they ever?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME2BLOOM4ME 3/9/2014 11:49AM

    Wow, what is your secret? You must have some wise words to share.

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LESLIESENIOR 2/15/2014 9:00PM

    Lisa, Congratulations on 725 days (sorry, I'm late posting this) now.

The most wonderful thing about sobriety has been the daily awakenings, sometimes big, sometimes small. We begin to give up regret, remorse, resentments, and rationalization, and move on to being comfortable in our own skin, appreciating the people who are worthy of our company, noticing all the miracles around us, and loving life on life's terms. We have a new pair of glasses and life begins to take on new meaning. Nothing is more exciting than seeing the lights go on in someone who is learning to live life without the crutch of alcohol.

Thank you for sharing your enlightenment with us all. It is often said in meetings, "What others think of me is none of my business". I have worked hard on not being a people pleaser to my own detriment. I strive daily to be better than I was the day before.

Sending a big hug,
Leslie

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EDDYMEESE 2/12/2014 9:50PM

    Wow, what an amazing accomplishment! You are an incredible, smart woman!

In some situations, I think that a person just has to accept that they can't change anybody but themselves. It is sad to say, but maybe your family isn't who your "true family" was meant to be, you know? Maybe your true family is you, your hubby, your kids and grandkids...I wonder if that brother and sister that don't talk to you much agonize over these same kinds of feelings? I wonder if they hurt as much as you do? We all want to be devoted to our families and when we realize that it isn't always possible, we mourn them like we mourn the loss of a loved one. But you have an amazing life with people around you who love you. I know it hurts to not have the support of everyone in your family.

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SHERRY666 2/12/2014 4:44PM

    LISA YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.......... I'VE GOT TO KNOW YOU THROUGH SPARKS AND YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF THE THINGS YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED....... QUITTING DRINKING SOME TIMES IS HARDER ON OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY THEN IT IS ON US....... WE'RE STILL THE SAME PERSON INSIDE BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT....... MISERY LOVES COMPANY...... YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE.... THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.... AND ARE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIFE.... THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WISHED I HAD LEARNT EARLIER...... BUT WE KEEP LEARNING AND MOVING ON KNOWING A LOT MORE..... LET GO OF THE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU AND BE HAPPY WITH THE ONES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY.... emoticon 721 DAYS OF BEING AF...... THAT IS AMAZING....... YOUR AMAZING LISA. emoticon

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AJDOVER1 2/12/2014 2:47PM

    Congratulations for 721 days and best wishes for all the days to come!

We get it when we get it. I've stopped wishing I had learned things sooner. I guess there's a reason for everything. We never stop learning, even after we've found some answers and started on the right path.

Letting go of what I wanted and accepting what I have has made all the difference. You are so blessed to have a loving husband and grandchildren.
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LIZSPRINGSTEEN 2/12/2014 11:29AM

    Great job!! Keep it up!

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DEE107 2/12/2014 12:15AM

    I am so proud of you and way to go .. I know how hard you have it because my hubby hasnt had drink in 16 years having a dry wedding and a dry house help..hugs and way to go

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