Today is day 3 of my current streak!
After coming clean in yesterdays blog about my 30 pound weight gain, I made a promise that I would be completely honest about how I am doing on my journey....good, bad or ugly. I'm not going to hide the truth from my Spark friends, or from myself. Being honest and open about everything helps me to stay accountable, and thats something I obviously need.
So here are the good, the bad and the ugly of the past three days.
I weighed myself three days ago, and found that I had gained 30 lbs. Well, 31 to be exact. So why am I calling this "The Good"? Well, the weight gain was certainly not good, but the fact that I weighed myself was VERY good, because it was the slap in the face that I needed. I am not a fan of the scale. I hardly ever weigh myself. I prefer to judge how I'm doing based on how I feel in my clothes, and how I feel during my workouts. And trust me, as I was gaining those 31 lbs back, I KNEW I was gaining, because I was having to dig into the back of my closet for some bigger clothes...and then even THOSE clothes started to get tight. I could also tell that I was gaining weight because my workouts were getting harder for me to get through without feeling total exhaustion. And of course, I knew I was gaining weight because I was eating unhealthy food, and lots of it.
But I was lying to myself. I was telling myself "Oh, its probably no more than a 10 or 12 lbs gain." As if that wouldn't have been bad enough! But then I decided it was time to weigh myself and admit the truth. Deep down, I knew it was more than 10 or 12 pounds gained. So I got on the scale...and faced the truth. Dirty 30. Ouch. I've gained 30 lbs! (Okay, 31, because I'm being completely honest.)
That was my wakeup call. Time to start working HARD again, and stop making excuses. Time to accept where I had really gotten. And thats why getting on the scale is "The Good.
Now for The Bad.
The steering wheel.
I was once so proud of the fact that I could sit in the car without having to tip the steering wheel up first, and by the fact that the steering wheel didn't touch my belly anymore while I was driving. That was one of my favorite non scale victories!
This morning I had to go to the grocery store to get a few things. And although I didn't have to tip the steering wheel up, I had to honestly admit that my stomach ALMOST touches it when I am driving! Not only is that uncomfortable, its dangerous! So....I had to move the seat back. I have resisted doing this for a long time. Its embarrassing, because when I got home, hubby had to go to work...and when he got in the car, he had to move the seat back up. I felt so ashamed as I stood there on the porch and watched him do that. But he knew how I was feeling....he rolled down the car window and said "Its okay!" And he gave me a big smile. So that made it better. But I'm not happy with that situation, and I WILL work hard to lose this weight again so that the seat won't have to be adjusted back and forth for much longer!
And on to The Ugly.
Once I started my weight loss journey, I made a rule; I would never wear elastic waist paints except for workouts. And I stuck with that rule, so proud to be out in public wearing regular jeans instead of elastic waist ones. But then I started gaining weight. And I was literally STUFFING myself into my jeans. Then hubby was in the hospital. I was SO uncomfortable sitting in that hospital room for hours in those too tight jeans. Plus, I felt like I looked like a lumpy sack of potatoes. I wore a jacket to try to hide the fact that my belly was rolling over the top of my jeans. (Muffin top? More like a Bundt Cake top.) After that first day visiting hubby, I headed to Walmart on my way home. And I bought a pair of elastic waist jeans.
Let me just say (and please, excuse my language) that it totally sucks to be back in elastic waist jeans! I've avoided looking at myself in the mirror while wearing them, but this morning before I left for the grocery store, I went and stood in front of my full length mirror and took a look from all angles. I feel so ugly and frumpy in these elastic waisted pants...and I am going to change it. I am on track and everytime I even THINK of going off track, I'm going to remind myself of how I feel in those elastic waist jeans, and I know that will help me to stay strong. I can't wait until I am able to report that I have thrown those pants into the donation bin outside of the grocery store!
But before I close, let me be sure to say that I love myself. I have taken some steps backwards, I have gained 30 pounds (yeah, 31, right) and I am not perfect. I am not happy with how my body feels or looks right now. But no matter what, I am still me, and I will always be me, no matter what size I am wearing or what the scale says. And because I love myself, I am not going to ever give up. I will lose this weight and I will reach my goals. I am still my own hero.