Sunday, February 09, 2014
It's funny that I'm saying hello at all because my intention with this blog entry is to pick MYSELF back up, I feel like I want to write this for myself, it always gives me clarity when I write everything out of myself.
So in September 2012 me and my partner moved to Wales, Great Britain from Hungary, Eastern Europe. Our hope was to find work, put some money aside, and then maybe a few years later go back home and buy a house and start our life. We found a job at an Amazon warehouse and let me tell you I (and everyone I know who works there) hate the place! The work itself is boring and a monkey could do it, they don't want employees to form a union and I could go on forever. But for us, coming from Eastern Europe, the salary was great. We even started working the night shift for extra money. All in all, besides the fact that we hated our jobs :), everything went as planned, even better. I even lost 30 pounds by January 2014 without obsessing TOO much about it. I have walked around quite a bit at my job, that helped too, but also I did try, it didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen by itself, but it wasn't as hard as other times.
Long story short, I got fired. Not for something I did, but it was mass release after Christmas. This happened in January, about a month ago.
Now in this place, a city named Swansea in Wales, there aren't many jobs, especially in January-February, and I'm still unemployed with no work in sight at all. I got really depressed because I got fired, I went through a lot of emotional stuff, I still am. And unfortunately my coping mechanism is eating, I have always been like that. I tried to stay positive, at the beginning I thought that 'okay, at least I'll be home and I'll have time for myself', etc. But I ended up getting more and more angry and sad and depressed with every day. I went to the gym almost every other day in January, doing mostly strength training because I just didn't feel like doing cardio, but I still managed to gain 9 pounds back. Now I know that you can actually GAIN weight from strength training, but I know that this was NOT how I gained 9 pounds, I can see that my face is fuller, my belly is bigger, so I'm not deluding myself into thinking that it's 'all muscle'... I have been eating a LOT, unhealthy stuff too sometimes. I generally feel miserable. I have gotten into this downward spiral where I'm basically just feeling sorry for myself, however pathetic that sounds.
Luckily we do have a plan though, we have had it even before I got fired. Our plan was to move back home to Hungary between May and August this year. Now that I'm fired we said we'll move back on the 1st of April. We're relatively happy with the outcome of this year and a half spent here, but me getting fired overshadows everything, especially for me.
I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my boyfriend, but I wish I had a 'regular' friend here whom I could talk to, but I don't, all my friends are in Hungary.
I live in a house with my boyfriend and his younger sister (she's 23, me and my boyfriend are 27), and I just can't get to like her. I'm not being a bitch with her or anything, but I don't really communicate with her much and I even feel like avoiding eye contact when we're both in the kitchen for example and I just generally don't even want to come out of me and my boyfriend's room into the kitchen when I know she's there, I just like to wait until she goes back into her room, which is - again - pathetic. She has never been mean to me so I don't have a good reason, I was the same with my boyfriend's dad and especially mom too (I used to live with them for 6 months a few years ago), even though they were nice too. Sometimes I even plan my daily routine based on when she's home from work, when she's not sleeping, so I can cook and do stuff in the house when she's at work or sleeping, just so I wouldn't meet her at all. It's all in my head, and every time I see her or even just think of her it reminds me of how effed up I am and that I'm a bad person if I don't stop thinking like this of her. But I can't stop thinking like this of her. Before we moved here, I went to a psychologist for a couple of months, and I wish I'd be at home and I could talk to her again and tell her how I feel about my boyfriend's sister and how I feel about feeling like that... I feel like a mean and grumpy and bad person, and I don't want to be like that but I can't stop thinking like that of her.
Anyway, I'm here again on SP because I want to do a little 'blogging', I want to write about how I feel and what I'm going through because keeping it in just makes it worse. So I want to write every day, maybe even more times daily if I feel like it, just writing about how I'm doing, what I'm feeling, feel free to NOT read it as it's mostly for my own good, not for feedback. :) I don't MIND feedback though, but that's not the goal here, that's all I'm saying. :)