Friday, February 07, 2014
Yes from the song "Closing Time".
Heard this song on pandora the other day and this has been rattling around my head ever since. I had never even noticed those lyrics til now oddly. Guess you hear what you need to hear. I'm typing this blog on my iPhone so forgive me for typos ect. Trying to avoid being busted screwing off at work.
This is a recurring theme right now in my life. Not surprising however as that is the nature of life. The only constant is change. Up to this point I always had an unhealthy resistance to change. Notice my choice of words upto this point because I hope this is something I will be able to grow beyond. I must really. If I really want to change my physical I have to be willing to CHANGE. Fear is my limiter, pain is my catalist. Anyone who's been following my blog for a while knows I'm a recovering alcoholic. No point beating round the bush been sober 13 years and I'm not at all ashamed of my recovery. I would not be able to be half as decent a person without it. It is who I am. And in AA we say that when you get in enough pain you will be willing to change. So that's where I'm at.
So Is my pain sufficient to motivate change? It's getting there. I think it's time to go back to therapy. I have been unwilling to deal with my situation long enough. The pain of staying the same is motivating me to consider my other options. Therapy will help-provided I am willing to be HONEST. By the way this is a crutial principle of recovery. The willingness to be honest. My sponsor asked me to consider the things I might be able to do to improve my marriage. I said I could think of a couple things and she asked me to follow up on that and get back with her about my progress. Came to the stark conclusion this morning that I can't do one of the things I thought of. Or Won't. It's pretty personal so I won't elaborate more but you get the idea.
A contributing factor in this state of reflections has been the emtions evocted from watching this past Sherlock series. That I think speaks volumes of the quality of the show when it causes you to reconsider your whole LIFE. There is a recurring theme of change and loss and emotional evolvent in this past series. Watching it again and considering Shezza. It may have been for "a case" but I consider that to be a flimsy excuse. (For those who did not see HLV Shezza is Sherlocks street name whiles "undercover for a case" when John finds him in a crack house. Looking cracked out. It's heartbreaking. ) Because bottom line he's become vulnerable by allowing sentiment. And suffers the resulting pain that comes with vulnerability. This is just a nesessary aspect of life as we all know. But one unfamiliar to our character so it is heartbreaking. He is an extremely emotional man who has managed to always control and limit him emotions by not allowing anyone in. I can kinda relate.
I don't know what else I want to share. Just that this has been on my mind non stop. And I'm seeing the parallels in my life and where I am. When the pain of inaction outweighs the fear of change I will take action. But being a good alcoholic I'm going to have to get in enough pain before I'm willing to change. My outward attempts to chane ie diet exercise change my appearance are well intentioned and good. But not good enough. I'm realizing that now. I KNOW that from prior experience. I've lost the weight, got skinny and you know what? I was still me inside. My insides didn't change so it didn't even mean a dam thing. That's another of my limiting fears. Why bother getting fit? It's not going to change anything. And it's true. It won't. My material state is a direct manifestation of my emotional state. Wow I'm getting deep!
So friends I think I could use some help on this journey. I know I can't do it alone. I need my sparkers. I'm slogging away on 2 nights in a row of crappy sleep. And wearing an ill fitting pair of jeans. But my friend said I look rockin in them tho. I just have to pull them up every couple mins so I think I'll stay parked at my desk most of the day. But trying to keep my chin up and focus on all the positives in my life. I've got a great job I have friends who care and a healthy daughter. Life is good!