I've always battled a totally different kind of demon within myself which the average onlooker might not even realize.
Over the years of hearing negativity about me from those around me I've become this strange person who has double standards for her own self.
It's quite paradoxical really.
I love what I see in the mirror - at the point I am right now - and when I reached this stage before, I was then also.
But if I have the slightest premonition that someone - family or friend might be thinking otherwise it used to make me get all worked up and aversive.
I'd rather not meet them or make up excuses for being the weight I was even when no one's even mentioned anything about it.
It's strange - like I'm defending before anyone's even had a chance to criticize.
And another thing - when I receive a criticism - at that moment I brush it off and ignore it.
But later on, it'll come back and I'll be thinking about it and fretting over it and trying to change myself and feel inferior.
I knew I was doing this. I knew I had to stop. But how?
My rational was - that if someone is criticising - and it is constructive or for improvement, then if I think it's right, then I should act on it.
I haven't seen this one friend of mine for a long time.
Last we spoke over the phone she said that she'd come and whip me into shape as well as another friend who's watching her weight. This was because she hadn't seen me for years and last she saw me I was a UK 18.
At first I brushed it off as her just being silly - but later I pondered that if she'd see me - a healthy size 12 (UK) - and herself also being weight conscious and a much smaller size - would she then think I'm fat?
Or the worst thing I've had said to me - "You've lost a lot of weight, but you could still do with a lot more..." or things like: "You're not fat, but you're not slim either..."
In all honesty - if I shut myself away from all these weird people - I wouldn't be thinking about it - at all.
Yes, I was unhappy at 18, 16, 14 sizes but I've seen what I look like below 12 and I don't like it.
Right now - I'd say I'm the best me I can possibly be.
I can accept my faults for what they are and it's not such a big deal.
I realized recently - I've been thinking...if I'm so happy when I'm on my own and feel beautiful - why do I think I won't be when I'm around these people?
I'm stronger than that, aren't I?
If I said to someone close - hey, you should lose a few pounds - and they said, but I'm happy and comfortable where I am.
I wouldn't ever say that to them again - because they're happy.
So the same goes for me. I have the same right.
I'm happy where I am - thank you very much, but I have what I wanted.
Those demons will have to find someone else to bother - because I am not budging. I am not changing, just cos my family or some friends think I should be thin(er).
I am happy, I feel beautiful and comfortable and so does my husband - so why would I change now?
I'm going to adorn myself and strut my stuff for everyone of the naysayers to see - what are they gonna do about it?