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Chasing away the demons

Thursday, February 06, 2014

I've always battled a totally different kind of demon within myself which the average onlooker might not even realize.

Over the years of hearing negativity about me from those around me I've become this strange person who has double standards for her own self.

It's quite paradoxical really.

I love what I see in the mirror - at the point I am right now - and when I reached this stage before, I was then also.

But if I have the slightest premonition that someone - family or friend might be thinking otherwise it used to make me get all worked up and aversive.

I'd rather not meet them or make up excuses for being the weight I was even when no one's even mentioned anything about it.

It's strange - like I'm defending before anyone's even had a chance to criticize.

And another thing - when I receive a criticism - at that moment I brush it off and ignore it.

But later on, it'll come back and I'll be thinking about it and fretting over it and trying to change myself and feel inferior.

I knew I was doing this. I knew I had to stop. But how?

My rational was - that if someone is criticising - and it is constructive or for improvement, then if I think it's right, then I should act on it.

For example:

I haven't seen this one friend of mine for a long time.

Last we spoke over the phone she said that she'd come and whip me into shape as well as another friend who's watching her weight. This was because she hadn't seen me for years and last she saw me I was a UK 18.

At first I brushed it off as her just being silly - but later I pondered that if she'd see me - a healthy size 12 (UK) - and herself also being weight conscious and a much smaller size - would she then think I'm fat?

Or the worst thing I've had said to me - "You've lost a lot of weight, but you could still do with a lot more..." or things like: "You're not fat, but you're not slim either..."

In all honesty - if I shut myself away from all these weird people - I wouldn't be thinking about it - at all.

Yes, I was unhappy at 18, 16, 14 sizes but I've seen what I look like below 12 and I don't like it.

Right now - I'd say I'm the best me I can possibly be.

I can accept my faults for what they are and it's not such a big deal.

I realized recently - I've been thinking...if I'm so happy when I'm on my own and feel beautiful - why do I think I won't be when I'm around these people?

I'm stronger than that, aren't I?

If I said to someone close - hey, you should lose a few pounds - and they said, but I'm happy and comfortable where I am.

I wouldn't ever say that to them again - because they're happy.

So the same goes for me. I have the same right.

I'm happy where I am - thank you very much, but I have what I wanted.

Those demons will have to find someone else to bother - because I am not budging. I am not changing, just cos my family or some friends think I should be thin(er).

I am happy, I feel beautiful and comfortable and so does my husband - so why would I change now?

I'm going to adorn myself and strut my stuff for everyone of the naysayers to see - what are they gonna do about it?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Remember that God doesn't create anything less than perfect. It is only how we as humans perceive that beauty that makes it anything less than it is. When we learn how to see things as God does, the we will realize the real beauty that we all have both inward and outer beauty.

    1474 days ago
    You are very beautiful! You've done really great job and I hope you'll get rid of your double standarts soon.
    I wouldn't thought looking at your picture that you are size 12, really, I would say size 10, not bigger. Don't think if your friend (or anyone else) sees you she will think you're fat. You're looking pretty and healthy.
    1475 days ago
  • AHAVAH123
    You are very pretty! You have beautiful hair and you are very stylish!!
    Great job, all your hard work has paid off!!
    Always treat yourself gently!!
    1475 days ago
    Thank you so much for your kind words Seatlle58!

    Nuts to everyone else! I love that! LOL!

    1476 days ago
    You so pretty! I'm a size 12/14 and I think 12 is a perfect size. Nuts to everyone else!
    1476 days ago
    I saw your blog on the side of one of the teams and I had to come and read it! Oh my, you are one beautiful woman! A size 12 too?! Wow, that's what I've been aiming for since I started losing weight. It's sad isn't it, that we as a society, judge each other by how much extra weight we have on us! If we each could see each other for who we really are. It's how good we feel about ourselves too and when we feel good, we portray that feeling with our words and actions. I know that negative feelings can be so imbedded in us and I know I have issues to deal with too, for the rest of my life also. It's like we have to re-program ourselves to think good of ourselves. I'm wishing you the best with your re-uniting with your friend and I truly hope that you can let your happiness can flow all around her. Thanks for a good blog that caused me to delve deep within myself too. Each one of us is a project for a scientist to figure out what best works for us to be healthy once again. This forever changing into a better person! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1476 days ago
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