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    HILLSLUG98239   28,526
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Back to Wallowing in Self-Pity

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

I was so happy last week that I'd finally kicked that cold. Went for a 6.5K run on Saturday. That may have been too much, and it probably didn't help that I ended up driving 500 miles this weekend instead of doing some easy activity to help my muscles relax.

Monday morning, as I got out of the car, I felt my lower back seize. It's not really painful; it's more like someone wrapped me up in duct tape. Everything feels tight. I have that weird old-person walk: it's uncomfortable to move forward by bringing my knees up (using my quads/flexors primarily), so I'm kind of shuffling along with these little baby steps. And my posture looks really stiff.

The weather has turned. We're having "unseasonably" cold weather. Heck, it's winter: what other season has single digit temps? And it's been windy. I could handle the cold if it was just the cold. I can't handle 15 and 25-mph winds.

I may try a Group Ride class tomorrow night, after my follow-up visit with the chiropractor. Monday, he said I was the tightest he'd ever seen me be. After another adjustment tomorrow, I'm hopeful the spin class will help my back relax. I'd love to be able to run this weekend, but I'm going to play that one by ear.

So I'm really being a crybaby about all this. I've been consoling myself with treats. It's not overboard - a "fun size" candy bar one day, half a cupcake another - but because I'm not working out I certainly don't need the extra sugar & fat. And I'm crabby, because I haven't been to the gym since Friday. (I was thinking about swimming, but the lap pool is kind of chilly. Not sure my back will enjoy exercising in that.)

Times like this cause me to exagerate my self-described "can't win for losing" cycle. Often, I will get started on the right track, and then something derails it. Work blows up. I get sick. Saddle sores. Weather doesn't cooperate. Too many meetings. It doesn't happen everytime, but when I'm wallowing in self-pity, I don't view history with a clear lens. So I boo-hoo and whine about how the fates are out to get me.

The thing is, this - like every detour - is temporary. It's a detour, not a derailment. My wheels are not off the tracks, they're just a little off course. I don't get to control the road ahead; I can only control how I react to its twists and turns (and occasional detours). So while I'm complaining, truth be told, I kind of enjoy this wallow in self-pity. Sometimes the detour serves the purpose of giving me a break I didn't know I needed. I'm getting blown off course for a week, not months. DWI, Kim - deal with it.

But I'm still going to whine.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINFITFEMINIST 2/9/2014 5:13PM

    We all are attracted to self-pity but don't admit to it. Thank you for your honesty. You are right you have had a little detour and honestly I don't think it's going to last.

Sometimes when I need to vent and ready to blow I start shouting things out in my car, in the shower, on my walk, at my cats (they go and hide), and I do feel better afterwards.

Life is a journey of detours.

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SPEEDYDOG 2/9/2014 1:19PM

    Hi Kim,

I know how frustrating a little pain in the back can be. You may need to take it a little easy until you feel better.

It is OK to be a crybaby and temporarily wallow in self pity.

Thanks, Bruce

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EBRAINK 2/6/2014 8:35AM

    This: "The thing is, this - like every detour - is temporary. It's a detour, not a derailment. My wheels are not off the tracks, they're just a little off course. I don't get to control the road ahead; I can only control how I react to its twists and turns (and occasional detours). "

Detours are part of the journey, too. It's only when you wallow around in them and forget truly where you're going that you can say that you're "lost" or that you "lost direction".

What did you get from this detour? Confirmation of something you already knew - take it slowly while bouncing back from having a bad cold that kept you away from exercising. Also, that whining is part of the process for getting out of a detour - because (I'm going to go out on a limb here) you don't seem to like being a whiner, much. So (I think) the unpleasant self image of being a whiner (even though you've got good humor about it and you certainly made me laugh) helps you get back on track. I suspect that even though you worry about getting completely derailed or knocked off course, you know you haven't been - instead of spiraling out of control into a pit of "never going to get out of this" despair, you're recognizing it, naming it, whining a little, joking about it...and getting back on track.

So. Keep plugging away. No one said it would be easy.

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MRSKATEDUVALL 2/5/2014 8:46PM

    OUCH. Your body is telling you to take it easy. The weather is telling us to make a crock pot of something healthy and stay inside.

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MISSG180 2/5/2014 3:39PM

    I have so much sympathy for your "one step forward, two steps back" situation. It seems like every time I start to get some momentum, something comes along to knock me back down. It's frustrating, but we keep plowing forward.

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