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Wednesday, February 05, 2014

It is amazing that both Peyton Manning, Broncos quarterback, and younger brother Eli Manning grew up to be NFL quarterbacks like their dad. I have two sons. If they someday both end up hosting late-night talk shows, that will make me unbelievably sad. -Craig Ferguson

It is still cold all across the nation. It was so cold today that Al Gore called global warming a hoax. -Jay Leno

House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans. -Jimmy Fallon

In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm." -Jay Leno

Paul and I have been together doing this show for 32 years, and it is more or less the same show we started at NBC. Yes, at NBC things were going along great, and then I got fired. They caught me parking in Tom Brokaw's spot. -David Letterman

The ratings were very low for the president's State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because it's the State of the Union address, that's why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. -David Letterman

Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president. -Jimmy Fallon

The president said that unemployment is dropping, but critics claim it doesn't include people who have left the workforce. How about people who were asked to leave the workforce like me? Are we included in that? -Jay Leno

You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?" -Conan O'Brien

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch. -David Letterman

I heard that Justin Bieber is moving out of his $7 million home after he was accused of egging his neighbor's house earlier this month. His neighbors are very happy, while his neighbors' daughter is SO not talking to her parents EVER again. -Jimmy Fallon

Even though he has been arrested and caused a lot of controversy, Adidas announced this week they are still standing by Justin Bieber as a sponsor. Did you know that Adidas even sponsored Justin Bieber? What sport does he play? -Jay Leno

Subway has announced a major new campaign to get people to eat healthier. I'm no health expert, but maybe the first thing to do is not sell people piles of meat and bread by the foot. -Conan O'Brien

It was a strange show. Daft Punk won five Grammy awards. Neither one of these guys ever showed his face. By the way, this is how the robots will enslave us. First they take our Grammys. And then they take our freedom. -Jimmy Kimmel

After the president’s State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, “Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.” -Jimmy Fallon

They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it's pretty scary. In fact, it's so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent. -Jay Leno

The Bieber kid's in trouble. He's got to get a hold of himself. He was arrested in Florida for DWI — driving while insufferable. -David Letterman

We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest — you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second. -Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people are speculating about what's going on with Bieber? Are his parents enabling him? You know, does he have a drug and alcohol problem? Here's the question I have. Is the Lamborghini okay? Was that damaged? -Jay Leno

This week country singer Trace Adkins was on a country music-themed cruise when he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator. It was a nasty brawl. In fact, it took five Elvises to pull them apart. -Jimmy Fallon

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. -Craig Ferguson

They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying the plane. -Jay Leno
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