Thursday, January 30, 2014
A friend of mine was talking recently about how hes been having the same odd dream, not so much scary, just the same dream, that he is being chased by a bear. And sometimes he can see it and sometimes he cant, and sometimes he thinks it isnt a bear, but some other large animal or unseen predator.
I told him I feel this dream means he is running from something he has left unfinished.
Or some mistake he knows he needs to go back and fix.
Something he thought he left behind him but maybe its undone and that is why it chases him.
I told him to sit and think of things he might have left unsaid, undone, some debt he owes, someone he might have wronged.
I can dispense this advice easily but why cant I follow advice I so readily give others?
I have been running, hiding, denying for so so long and putting off the inevitable.
Just wishing and hoping it can be fixed or repaired or at least duct taped until it at least holds a little longer.
But I know it cant be.
I am just scared, just like my friend is scared of what chases behind him in his dream, I am scared of what lies hidden in dark corners and ahead of me down dark unexplored roads.
I know I need to make so many changes in my life.
and I know that baby steps right now has to be the way for me.
I dont seem to have really strange or scary dreams, I often dream I cant find the phone or that I find the phone and need to make an important call, and the phone is broken, or I keep missing the numbers.
Lately I have noticed my sleep interrupted, not by dreams, but by me and the fact that I need to dust off the old cpap machine and start using it again.
I hadnt used it in probably 6 to 8 months, but maybe its the heat on in the house and my sinus' being dried out or maybe its the foods I am eating and the fact I get very little exercise lately.
But I am going to clean it good tonight before bed and back to using it again.
Back to the changes I need to make....
I am starting with this Sunday, after my neices babyshower is finished Saturday and I am able to get that commitment over.
I am going to begin getting my life organized.
I am going to begin with cleaning out the little things, like reducing my monthly outgoing payments, I am going to have my cable tv either fully turned off or reduced to the most basic bare channels.
The fact that I never turn my tv on, except to check the weather, watch Days of our Lives, if I am home, and maybe the evening news.
I have sat here since about 6pm with the tv off and have no desire to turn it on.
I love Game of Thrones on HBO and the Walking Dead.
I can watch these online or go to my sons or a friends.
This alone with save me between 35 and 75 per month.
Next I am going to pay off store credit cards. I have one that I only owe 26 dollars on, that one is easy, the next is 102, that one will be next and then the bigger one of 460, this one will take a few payments to get lined out but no more charging.
Next after that, I currently have vonage at a rate of 18 per month, that will go up to 29 in a few months, I am going to look into Magic Jack, where I might even be able to get a payment of around 10 dollars a month or less for home phone service. And the only reason I have home phone service at all, is because I live in a very poorly serviced area for cell service, yes I can get a signal at my home, but I have to go outside to send a text and I can get a call on my phone but it is dropped the minute I pick up my cell.
So therefore, as long as I live in this home, I will have to have a home phone.
And that is another issue, my electric bill sky rocketed his month, doubled in 2 months and I am seriously going to have to watch how much kilowatt hours I use.
Honestly I just think the power company gave us such a huge rate increase that it wont matter.
Then I am going to start organizing my home.
I clean out rooms repeatedly and seem to never really get anywhere.
I have sold several larger items and a whole shelf of books and a laundry basket full of my old clothes.
Next is going to be sorting thru what I absolutely need and cannot live without and the items that I havent touched and or looked at in years.
Then and not lastly its time to focus on ME.
My physical health is NOT going to improve as long as I stay stressed out emotionally.
I know I have to make a hard decision and I know I have to do it soon.
But lately, it doesnt seem all that hard.
And like I said, tonight I sit here alone, no tv and just the dog for company and it isnt all that bad.
The fear isnt what lies behind me, its what lies ahead.
And that isnt just the thoughts what I might be giving up, but what I might find.