Thursday, January 30, 2014
Last Friday I started to feel a bit better. I got in a boot camp workout on Saturday morning and all was fine. And then Sunday night, illness sprung back upon me. I ended up missing work Monday, Tuesday and part of yesterday. Finally went to the doctor and got some meds as it turned out to be a "bad case of sinusitis." I'm feeling a bit better than I was at the beginning of the week, a bit exhausted, but I'm rather annoyed with the whole sickly-woes thing.
This Tuesday was also the five year anniversary of my mother's death. Sometimes it's hard to believe five years have passed and other times it feels like much longer since she died. My mother's death acts as one of the reminders of why I'll keep struggling on this journey even on the bad days...I'd like to live past sixty-five without a heart attack or being miserable with my life. I mean, I realize we don't have control of how long we get on this planet, but I can do everything in my power to stay for as long as possible, right?
Needless to say, another rough week with a weight gain of a pound. The past two months, with the holidays and life and sick/injury, I feel like I'm gaining/losing the same ten pounds. I try to remind myself that this is better than gaining, not losing...and that I should be proud of myself for picking myself back up and moving on after the hard days/weeks, but sometimes, it's really hard not to feel frustrated.
It's more evils from the logical versus the emotional brain. My emotional brain, while happy for everyone doing well, sees other people's successes as what I should be measuring myself with and then likes to say things like, "Obviously, you don't really want it! Obviously, you're wrong and bad and a big 'ole healthy-living dummy!"
And my emotional brain wonders why it has no friends. It's mean.
Logically, I know that as Paula Abdul would say to her past American Idol contestants, I'm a "unique snowflake." The basic science of calories in/calories out is at the core of everyone's weight loss, but everything beyond that varies in little degrees. Logically, I know that struggling does not mean I'm bad or undeserving. It's all about waking up each morning and keep going, learning from my mistakes and finding solutions to ongoing issues that arise. Mostly, my logical brain really wants me to rethink my relationship with emotional brain.
So I'm going to post it here. Remind myself, yet again, that I can do this. That I'm strong and capable. I've already accomplished a lot and I can do so much more. I know how to do this and I just have to stick with it and not give up. I deserve to be healthy and happy. If I keep repeating it, maybe one day my emotional brain won't have so much sway over me.