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Down, and working to get back up...

Thursday, January 30, 2014

As you might have noticed from some of my statuses last week, I have been struggling with feeling down, completely in the dumps as a matter of fact. And before I go any further, let me just say how very grateful I am for all of my Spark friends. You are all wonderful! And I appreciate everyone who made comments or tried to cheer me up. You are the best!!

I like to think I am a pretty positive person. I very rarely get mad or if I do I am very good at controlling it. So much so in fact that one of our daughters has a life goal of getting me mad enough to use the "f" word just because she thinks it would be such a huge accomplishment. I am the oldest of 11 kids and I was raised to be pretty flexible and work with everyone with a great attitude. Insisting on my own way in anything has never really been something I do. And I usually don't let hormones control me. My husband has always appreciated the fact that my TOM can come and go and he will never know from my attitude about life. Not to say I don't get in bad moods, because I do sometimes, but I don't like to recover as quickly as possible.

All of that being said, I was so very, very sad last week. So sad that just trying to move seemed like work and just about everything made me cry. One day I looked at my current profile photo on Spark and thought to myself "I can't even remember how being that happy feels. It hurts just to look at myself smiling"...yea, it was pretty bad. I am not entirely sure why, but I just flat felt like I was in a fog of depression. I have felt some of this for awhile now, but this was a whole new depth.

I know part of it came from the fact that Amanda has been far more independent since she has been back at school after Christmas. And I know this is a good thing, it really is. She is growing up and I am so proud of her! But it hurts because I am not part of her life on a daily basis anymore! I miss her so much! And because of everything I have been through with the oldest one I am terrified of losing her altogether.

And then there is the fact that now that the girls are gone, I am taking a look at my life and evaluating where I am at and where I want to be and the brutal reality that I am now 36 has hit me and I suddenly feel so old. I feel like I am sitting here accomplishing very little of what I want, and then part of me is trying to figure out just what exactly it is that I want. For starters I am not at the weight that I want to be at. My house is not at all the way I want it to be. I still have 95% of the furniture that my husband purchased for his ex-wife and then from her in the divorce....and not to complain too much, but it is really, really hard as the "new wife" to be stuck with furniture picked out by an ex. I am not at a job that I am crazy about (I left my job when I got married, took a few years off to raise the kids and then have taken jobs since then that allow me the flexibility to be there for the kids, but aren't part of any plans or ambitions on my part) and while I love our girls as my own, I don’t have a child of my own, which is something that makes me sad on a daily basis. I can't imagine going through life without holding my own newborn, being called "mommy" or getting to enjoy all the adorable stages as they grow up. I have missed the excitement of a child on Christmas morning as they look for what Santa brought. All silly things I suppose, but every time I think about it, it hurts so badly, and I think about it all the time. And to make matters worse, I know my husband doesn't want any more kids. He avoids discussing it, but I can tell where he is at. I can't even begin to describe the mental anguish this brings on when I think about it.

I have neglected friendships and that isn’t good either. My family has been my priority for so long (something I wouldn't change) but I have to make some more time for grabbing wine, meeting for lunch, going hiking or whatever else. I have allowed clutter to take over my life and I know that has a very bad impact on how I feel and what I can accomplish. Sometimes I think that all the frustrations of the house, dealing with the kids (and bio-mom) and all the disappointments along the way have dampened my enthusiasm for life and I am just flat burnt out emotionally right now. Not that I don't have hope. I do, I really do. And I am purposing to make some change this year for good. And to rise above the frustration and live a life I can be proud of regardless of what I have to contend with. If I make a point of thinking about it, I do have a lot of things to be grateful for. Next on my agenda is making myself some serious goals for this next year so I can make sure I am achieving my goals and living a life I can be proud of.

I apologize for the extremely long rant. I am hoping that “blogging it out” will help me sort out my thoughts and get back on track. And if you are still reading after all this, I thank you for your attentiveness. Stay tuned for some goals coming up very soon.

And I will leave you with a photo of me with Amanda's kitty.

And a photo of the frozen landscape this week.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUGIRL06
    I hope you have been able to find some light since this post! I am sorry you are feeling so emotionally drained. It happens to the best of us and if you need someone to listen, I am here! Sometimes you just need to let it out!
    1483 days ago
    Hopefully you are feeling better. Thank you for being such a great support. Let me know if you need anything.
    1497 days ago
  • KIMMAS82
    I don't have anything to add to what your oh so wise spark friends have already said but wanted to say that I hope you can work through everything you are feeling soon so you can feel back to yourself.
    1504 days ago
  • IRP1114
    I really hope getting it all out has helped you in some ways at leas. I know it really can help to blog about this stuff. Sorry I hadn't commented before. I did read some of this when you first posted and had to run out before finishing. (It never feels right to comment without reading everything!) Sigh. Life is tough on us sometimes isn't it? I mean we are so blessed but at the same time we can feel like the world is against us punishing us for something we have no idea we did! It really sucks you can't even talk to your DH about your desires of having a child. But I know how it can be to have a topic that just can't be brought up... I have many similar fears in relation to what you are going through so don't feel alone in this. We all question many parts of our lives. And none of us are 100% happy with the way every part is.
    I really hope you can make some small changes to slowly turn things in the right direction to help you feel like you are truly living the life you want!
    1505 days ago
    I can relate so much to how you feel about never holding your own newborn. My husband and I have been trying for 4 years now with 3 miscarriages and no living children. I know how it feels to think about never having your own child. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be knowing that you can't even TRY. So different situations, but I have the same feelings. (((hugs))).

    What I found interesting was that you've always been positive and rarely been mad, as you say. It makes me wonder if that's part of why it is difficult for you to cope when you do have negative feelings, because you haven't had the last 36 years to learn how to deal with those kinds of feelings.

    I've recently started seeing a therapist and it has helped tremendously with coming to terms with maybe never having my own child. We'll start the process to adopt by the end of the year if the IVF we plan on doing around June doesn't work. I've been able to shift those feelings to those of excitement about adoption. I see her about every 2 weeks. You really have to find someone you click with. Insurance will often cover it, too.

    ((((BIG HUGS))))
    1506 days ago
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    1507 days ago
    1507 days ago
    I think we all struggle with the post-holidays blues and getting our barrings for a whole new year now. If it's any consolation, I too have been having a difficult month, but February is tomorrow and I am ready for the new month!

    I have a black kitty too!
    1508 days ago
    Bostonbluesgirl may have a valid point. I, too am 36, and perhaps it's the age thing that I've been going: am I doing everything I want to do with my life?

    emoticon Big hugs
    1509 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear you've been down. You're always so upbeat and encouraging:) I agree with others on here that getting moving really helps. I too, along with others on here, suffer from depression the best hting that works is working out, keeping contact with positive friends, setting goals and maintaining balance and eating good. I spent a lot of 2012 and the early part of 2013 feeling similar. It helped to talk to a counselor. And this community is so amazing, I can talk to people on here about things that I'd never put on my social media and it's so positive and uplifting.

    SEnding good thoughts your way as you battle this. You seem to have a lot on your mind and I hope being able to blog helped you sort some thigns out. We're all here for you:)
    1509 days ago
    So sorry you're going through this. Can't wait to hear about your new goals! emoticon
    1509 days ago
    Sorry to hear things have been so blah. I really hope things turn around and you can make the changes you desire. emoticon emoticon
    1509 days ago
    I have to echo the advice that BOSTONBLUESGIRL gave. You know me and my struggle lately, and I can't even begin to tell you how much the combination of exercise, a little bit of counseling, and a dab of social interaction (for me at church, but I don't have any other friends here, really) has been to pull me out of the darkness. It started with the counseling though, and over time gave me the confidence to add the rest in. At the very least, write down your thoughts and feelings somewhere, talk to your friends here at Spark (like me, anytime!), and talk to your friends/family/support system. I'm sorry to hear you're so down, but I know you can find the strength to get yourself back up. It takes a strong person to seek help and you've already taken a first step by talking to all of us about it. BIG HUGS to you!
    1509 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. It really sounds like you have depression, even if just situational, but all the same, if you are avoiding seeing friends, you have no energy to do anything, and are just in general the way you are describing, it might be time to seek professional help. Talking to someone about it all could be a good thing. I don't advocate drugs as a solution...they aren't...but in some cases, it is needed to regulate brain chemicals and some people don't even have to be on them all the time. It might be a short-term thing. Again, a professional would be able to determine this. I speak from experience. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I see a therapist and I take a small dose of Prozac which helps. I had tried to go w/o the meds and found for my particular case, that I needed the small dose to just regulate the chemicals and I reinforce all of it w/ therapy and behavioral changes I have learned (plus exercise helps a lot). Geez, if you've read my latest posts due to the sicknesses I've dealt with, I've been really depressed over it all and have been consulting w/ my therapist more as a result and it has helped a bit. At any rate...just a suggestion as it is not good if you are missing out on life or having no energy or feeling like you have no purpose. That isn't how it should be. It's one thing to have situations where you feel sad or low or whatnot--it's totally normal-- but ask yourself if you are feeling this way more than you are not and if the answer is yes, maybe it's time to see someone. One is good you recognize it. Many can't recognize the signals and you are so you should be proud of that. Now, it's time to figure out the "why" in all of this and again, someone w/ professional psychological experience may be able to help you sort through it so you aren't trying to do it all alone. emoticon
    1509 days ago
    I totally hear you on the ex's furniture. We got left with everything she didn't take for herself which was pretty much anything decent looking. As for feeling your enthusiasm for life being dampened, I can relate. I feel like I'm always worrying about others (which I really do love taking care of people) but it takes a toll after a while. Hang in there though. You've come too far to let these things hold you down. Make up your mind to work on your new goals and you will get there. And if you ever need to talk, I am here. emoticon
    1509 days ago
  • LYNSEY723
    I'm so sorry to hear you are so blue these days. I wish there was something to say or do to make it better for you, but I know there's not. Just know that I am here for you if you need someone to talk to and you always have my support! You are a wonderful person and you deserve all of the happiness in the world!!!

    1509 days ago
    I'm so sorry you are feeling so emotionally burnt out. I always find the emotional burn out is SO much harder and hits us so much stronger than any physical burnout that we may feel. You are in my thoughts. I wish for you to find something special for yourself to maintain your happiness. Have you considered volunteering? Or maybe just having a quiet spa day to re-energize your emotional battery? emoticon emoticon
    1509 days ago
    Kitty looks just like mine, and as pleased to be picked up emoticon

    I had no idea you were the oldest of 11 (wow!) or struggling so much with no baby plans. So sorry. I can totally relate to suddenly feeling super old (I'm 35) and sad about that. My face is bothering me a lot... sun damage, broken blood vessels, and why doesn't anyone tell you about chin hairs? LOL.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you have a beautiful family and although you're making a lot of sacrifices for them now, there will be a time when you can explore your own wishes again. It is bittersweet to see them grow independent, but it will mean you can pursue your interests for a change.
    1509 days ago
    It sounds like you need to get out and MOVE. I was experiencing some depressive symptoms last week and weekend very similar to yours. I, too, tend to be very positive so this was a hard shift that my friends picked up on quickly. Nothing they said or did cheered me up though, even though inside I could tell myself how fortunate to have friends who care. It wasn't until I forced myself to exercise that I started feeling better.

    You have some legit things weighing in your mind that aren't going to resolve on their own though. Have you thought about ways you can feel connected with your daughters even though they don't live with you anymore? Sometimes it's as simple as putting a date on the calendar that you can look forward to. Kids of your own is much more difficult and if your husband isn't budging then it might come down to finding peace and happiness with what you have. (And maybe harassing for some grandkids in the next few years, lol)

    I know you'll pull through this. Keep your head high and come here for love and support any time you need it. Hugs!
    1509 days ago
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