As you might have noticed from some of my statuses last week, I have been struggling with feeling down, completely in the dumps as a matter of fact. And before I go any further, let me just say how very grateful I am for all of my Spark friends. You are all wonderful! And I appreciate everyone who made comments or tried to cheer me up. You are the best!!
I like to think I am a pretty positive person. I very rarely get mad or if I do I am very good at controlling it. So much so in fact that one of our daughters has a life goal of getting me mad enough to use the "f" word just because she thinks it would be such a huge accomplishment. I am the oldest of 11 kids and I was raised to be pretty flexible and work with everyone with a great attitude. Insisting on my own way in anything has never really been something I do. And I usually don't let hormones control me. My husband has always appreciated the fact that my TOM can come and go and he will never know from my attitude about life. Not to say I don't get in bad moods, because I do sometimes, but I don't like to recover as quickly as possible.
All of that being said, I was so very, very sad last week. So sad that just trying to move seemed like work and just about everything made me cry. One day I looked at my current profile photo on Spark and thought to myself "I can't even remember how being that happy feels. It hurts just to look at myself smiling"...yea, it was pretty bad. I am not entirely sure why, but I just flat felt like I was in a fog of depression. I have felt some of this for awhile now, but this was a whole new depth.
I know part of it came from the fact that Amanda has been far more independent since she has been back at school after Christmas. And I know this is a good thing, it really is. She is growing up and I am so proud of her! But it hurts because I am not part of her life on a daily basis anymore! I miss her so much! And because of everything I have been through with the oldest one I am terrified of losing her altogether.
And then there is the fact that now that the girls are gone, I am taking a look at my life and evaluating where I am at and where I want to be and the brutal reality that I am now 36 has hit me and I suddenly feel so old. I feel like I am sitting here accomplishing very little of what I want, and then part of me is trying to figure out just what exactly it is that I want. For starters I am not at the weight that I want to be at. My house is not at all the way I want it to be. I still have 95% of the furniture that my husband purchased for his ex-wife and then from her in the divorce....and not to complain too much, but it is really, really hard as the "new wife" to be stuck with furniture picked out by an ex. I am not at a job that I am crazy about (I left my job when I got married, took a few years off to raise the kids and then have taken jobs since then that allow me the flexibility to be there for the kids, but aren't part of any plans or ambitions on my part) and while I love our girls as my own, I don’t have a child of my own, which is something that makes me sad on a daily basis. I can't imagine going through life without holding my own newborn, being called "mommy" or getting to enjoy all the adorable stages as they grow up. I have missed the excitement of a child on Christmas morning as they look for what Santa brought. All silly things I suppose, but every time I think about it, it hurts so badly, and I think about it all the time. And to make matters worse, I know my husband doesn't want any more kids. He avoids discussing it, but I can tell where he is at. I can't even begin to describe the mental anguish this brings on when I think about it.
I have neglected friendships and that isn’t good either. My family has been my priority for so long (something I wouldn't change) but I have to make some more time for grabbing wine, meeting for lunch, going hiking or whatever else. I have allowed clutter to take over my life and I know that has a very bad impact on how I feel and what I can accomplish. Sometimes I think that all the frustrations of the house, dealing with the kids (and bio-mom) and all the disappointments along the way have dampened my enthusiasm for life and I am just flat burnt out emotionally right now. Not that I don't have hope. I do, I really do. And I am purposing to make some change this year for good. And to rise above the frustration and live a life I can be proud of regardless of what I have to contend with. If I make a point of thinking about it, I do have a lot of things to be grateful for. Next on my agenda is making myself some serious goals for this next year so I can make sure I am achieving my goals and living a life I can be proud of.
I apologize for the extremely long rant. I am hoping that “blogging it out” will help me sort out my thoughts and get back on track. And if you are still reading after all this, I thank you for your attentiveness. Stay tuned for some goals coming up very soon.
And I will leave you with a photo of me with Amanda's kitty.
And a photo of the frozen landscape this week.