Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I have a strange relationship with food. I'm very interested in natural health and wellness, which is obviously closely tied with fruits, vegetables, grains, healthy fats, etc., but I'm also very addicted to sweets and snacky foods. I used to sit with a guy I worked with every day at lunch, and he often joked that I was both the healthiest and unhealthiest eater he had ever seen. I'd have a salad with organic vegetables, a bowl of seasoned quinoa & greek yogurt for lunch, and two hours later I'd raid the vending machines for candy, chips and Mt. Dew.
I often start the day with healthy foods, only to eat more snacks and candy than I should later in the day. I also often eat to the point of feeling like throwing up because I've eaten so much. But because I've never actually thrown up from eating too much or MADE myself throw up, the thought of having an eating disorder never crossed my mind. It was tonight after supper when I had a craving for sugar so bad that I filled a 1 cup measuring cup with powdered sugar and ate it with a spoon that I thought to myself, "This can't be normal. I wonder if you can have an eating disorder where you binge but don't purge".
Well, one search for "binging without purging" on Google confirmed that what I do is not uncommon, but is in fact an eating disorder. I eat "bad" foods when I'm not even hungry, and I eat them to the point of feeling sick. I use "bad" foods to cope with stress and/or depression. I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself after I binge.
So now that I know I have a problem, somehow I have to figure out how to deal with it. There's so much information out there that it's overwhelming, and I feel like nothing would help me anyway. I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing, but I don't know how to change.