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It's a fertility kind of week...

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Yeah, I'm just having one of those weeks.

It's all about the fertility issues.

I've told my therapist that I tend to focus on one problem at a time, lol. If I'm feeling good about work, I'm usually obsessing about my (in)fertility. If I'm feeling good about money, I'm hating my job. LOL.

This week is just one of those times - the preggos are coming out of the woodwork. People I didn't even know were trying (what? they didn't send me a memo?). Anyway...happy for them and all that...blah blah blah. Maybe I'll be happy for them next week.

Talked to Zvika again about adoption and nailed down a deadline - will start the process by Nov. 1st if not pregnant with a healthy baby by then. We'll get a lawyer, find an agency, etc. Alright, well at least that's something I can look forward to and it isn't just something out in the ether. I keep telling him we can still keep trying. I just need to be able to focus my energies on an actual take-home baby.

Food was horrible today, but I don't cope well with the baby stuff. Money, relationship, work, etc...I can cope. When the baby stuff comes up, I'm hopeless. It is what it is. Something to work on, anyway.

My few days off have been spent being lazy and tomorrow will probably be more of the same. I'm reading a book that I've neglected for a while (Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, I'm on #5). I'm vegging out. That's all I feel like doing.

I watched a movie called Quill on Netflix yesterday and went into sobbing fits every 15 minutes. Spoiler: it's a Japanese movie about the life of a guide dog. He's born and spends his first year of life with an amazing couple (I immediately noticed: no kids). They love him so much and talk to him like a real person. They buy him a stuffed bear and it is his favorite toy. Bawl. When he's a year old, he goes to training. The trainer is amazing. Bawl. Quill gets paired with a man who I don't particularly like, but it's one of those harsh-turned-softie characters...goes from basically hating the dog to loving him more than his own children, I think. Bawl. The man takes ill and Quill stays by his bedside. Bawl. But he has to go back to the training center until the man gets better. He is there 3 years. Bawl. There is a scene where Quill is in his kennel and hears the man and goes crazy and runs to him...he remembers him 3 years later. Bawl. But the man is clearly sick. They have one final walk together. BIG bawl. The man dies and Quill goes to the funeral. Looks at the man in the casket. Big, big bawl. Fast forward. Quill stays at the center as a training dog until he is 11 years old. I saw this coming a mile away but still cried quite loudly: he goes back to his first home where the owners spend the next year with him. It has been 10 years since they last saw him. Bawl. Bawl. Bawl. He still remembers where his toys were kept and promptly gets out his stuffed bear. BAWL. One day, he is in the yard and collapses and is taken to the vet. I see the mets on the thoracic rads, not sure if anyone else picks that up, but I also wonder if he had hemangiosarcoma considering the way he collapsed. I digress. The husband and wife stay by his side day and night. They are with him as he passes away (yes, I am now crying as I write this). HUGE bawl. Ugh. The movie was so emotionally draining, I had to take a nap.

Later, I watch a movie about a family and people are getting divorced and are dying and are reuniting and are having babies...I shed not a single tear.

Story of my life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to watch Quill. I use to sob all during Lassie while my dad would threaten to not let me watch it again.

    I think it's great about having a deadline for getting ready to adopt. You need to be proactive. You will get that baby.
    972 days ago
    It's good that you have set a date to start your adoption process. It might take some of the pressure off of you and you could become pregnant a little easier. But if not, you know one way or another you're going to get the baby that you were meant to have.

    Hang in there!
    975 days ago

    Dear Eddy, I hope the tears were in some small way cathartic... healing might be too much to ask for at this point, but cathartic/cleansing would be good.

    I really like that you treat yourself with compassion (I didn't do enough of that)... I think that is so important. I also really understand the need to be proactive and moving forward regardless of how life plays out. Your faithfulness will be rewarded... Im certain of it.

    ...a movie you might also appreciate (also Japanese) is 'Milo and Otis'... it's about a dog and a cat.

    975 days ago
    Big hugs to you. (((Hugs))) emoticon
    975 days ago
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